Feeling... out of place.

Feeling... out of place.
Dewey2k

Dewey2k

I guess I kind of feel like a duck out of water, so to speak. I visit MS and a few other sites for survivors and, although I can relate to some of what people say, and some of what people have gone through, I have not found a site I feel entirely comfortable at.

I'm not what I would refer to as your typical survivor for a lot of reasons: My abuse occurred in only one eight-hour episode, not over months or years; I had no idea about my sexuality until eighteen years later; and I don't see (or haven't found) the same 'serious' emotional or psychological issues that some people have.

I'm not complaining: far from it. It just makes it harder for me to relate to a lot of what I read. Maybe it's that I haven't fully tapped into the emotional reservoir I'm keeping inside. *shrug*

I dunno. :confused:
 
Hey, Dewey2k,

You know we have another saying here...you're going to hear about a lot of sayings that we have here, but this one says, "Thou Shalt not Compare one's abuse to any other." Well, it's not said just like that, but I think that you get my drift.

Listen, if you were "just" abused for an eight hour period, you might be telling someone else that their four hours of abuse isn't very bad, either.

Please don't hear this as critisizm, I'm just trying to tell you that if you were abused, it doesn't matter for how long or how, "little." You were abused, and coming here
and working through how it made you feel, is what this site is all about.

I don't know if you have or have not posted your story in that section, but if you do post what happened to you, I'm sure you'll find what you need in the other mens' responses.

Dewey, you're as welcome here as any of us.

David
 
Thanks for the reminder, David.

With my relationship ending I guess I feel like I don't belong anywhere rught now.
 
Dewey
check out the post by a new guy Syris, what you feel isn't uncommon. But once, twice or a thousand times - it's abuse, and the important thing is how we deal with it.

Dave
 
Dewey - I was groomed over a period of time by someone that 'pretended' that they loved me as a 'son/grandson/ much younger brother', before the abuse even started. When it commenced, it was in such a way that I was led to believe that 'everyone did it, but no one talked about it'.

I was someone special - that has screwed with my mind a lot.

Before I came here, I wished that the abuse had occurred through a violent attack, because then at least it wouldn't have been a total betrayal of trust.

When I came here and started reading other peoples stories, I realised that I certainly would not have felt better if the abuse had been initiated in a different way.

Slow grooming process v instant physical attack - abuse is abuse, there is not one type of abuse that is preferable to another. It is the abusers that should count the time (in jail) as a result of these actions, not the survivors.

As David said, we do not compare our abuse with that of another. 10 seconds of abuse is 10 seconds too much!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Thanks for reminding me that abuse is abuse, regardless.

I'm starting to move through some really painful issues with my T now, and it's left me feeling anxious all around. I've identified my first few triggers, and I'm surprised at how minor/commonplace they are. Something as simple as hearing a phrase of speech or a stray thought can set me of. Fortunately the result is not incapacitating.
 
Dewey,

I think we all have had feelings at one time or another that we don't belong here or can't relate in some way.

I have felt that way because I enjoyed my abuse, even sought it out during the 3.5 years it was going on. It was only toward the end that I began to hate it and eventualy put a stop to it. Sometimes I read about the traumatic stuff that went on with others who post here but it wasn't like that for me and I think 'why am I here?'

I can tell you though that the damage to me was real and the emotional pain I feel is real regardless of whether I "enjoyed" the abuse or not. I also recognize that I have found a place here where others understand what I am going through even though it may not be exactly the same as what they are. I have found a support system that I didn't even know existed or was possible a month ago.

Don't think you are out of place here. Some of your responses to other posts have been a big help to me and I know others feel the same. Also some of the threads you started have echoed my own thought, feelings, and issues,which has also been of benefit to me.

We are all here leaning on each other and helping each other along the road of life.

Courage,

John
 
I can relate to Rick57 and Walkingsouth.

I had someone who I looked up to and felt was a friend like a father I didn't have growing up. I was made to think it was all normal and that it was stuff people didn't talk about. I had mixed emotions and feelings being told I wasn't gay and it is normal for guys to do this sort of stuff. He was I think about 30 years older.

I feel my sexuality/identity is screwed up. I enjoyed the attention I enjoyed being appreciated, now I feel like it was only because I was young and cute and their was something there for him.

I have found talking about it after many years of silence and some counciling has made a difference but I sometimes doubt myself and I don't like being aggressive to women I don't feel like trying to be a stud. I'd mention more but I don't want to trigger anyone in a negative way.

lostone
 
Dewey,

You are welcomed and belong here. There are no entrance exams or inventory on the amount of abuse you suffered. The fact is you suffered.
Peace, Andrew
 
Just My Thought--Once anyone abuses a child they steal the Soul of that child and everything or nothing after that is Just More Crap But the Deed is done in the first few Moments. That is why whether it was a few times when i was 5 or once when you were 12 or all of your life. The Deed was done With the very First action all the rest was Numb-You can't steal a soul a piece at a time-It's an all or nothing deal.....In My Opinion.
 
Dewey,

I know you're feeling better now and part of all of this is that others get to give you their perspective. That often helps I know. The contributions that others make also address other issues that some of us other also face so we all end up helping each other. I know I'm not saying anything new here, but just getting it out sometimes helps (me at least).

What I wanted to add (without hijacking your post) was along the lines of what a few others have commented on, and that's the "liked side" or the "looked forward to" side of the abuse. I guess you just need to bundle it all up into what happens in a childs mind when things are done to them that should never be done to them - abuse.

In a twisted way, as I came from a emotionally void family with NO physical contact and no emotional bonding, my abuse became my only form of receiving comfort and my little boys mind looked forward to that. Unfortunately it came at a high price - sexual abuse. My point is that I also had to work through the thoughts that I "looked forward" to it and realise it was all wrong, all abuse and not my fault.
 
Dewey,

Enduring an 8-hour episode of abuse sounds pretty horrific to me! But as others have said, its a good idea to avoid comparisons. That said, I think we all do it, usually in ways that allow us to run ourselves into the ground some more.

One thing I noticed is that being here has completely changed how I look at my abuse history and what I have to do about it. I came here thinking okay, I need to talk this out and that's it. Discovering that I wasn't alone was an almost euphoric experience, but then week after week I was discovering something new and trying to put together what everything meant and what I needed to do.

I say this because you comment: "Maybe it's that I haven't fully tapped into the emotional reservoir I'm keeping inside". That has been really hard for me as well. I coped for decades by "turning off", and allowing myself to feel again is a frightening and daunting challenge. But bottling up the emotions is part of the pretending and denial I guess, so learning to acknowledge and deal with emotions is a key task for me. Perhaps for you as well.

Take care,
Larry
 
Thank you all for your thoughts. There is just so much coming down on me right now that it's hard to keep a proper perspective on everything.


My wife and I have come to the mutual conclusion that it is time to go our own ways before things become bitter between us. We're in the beginning process of separating now. We're still living in the same house, in the same room, sleeping in the same bed. We have two girls (6 & 3), and my mother- (or monster-) in-law lives with us.

The MiL is an egocentric narcissist. Her first question when she heard about the trouble my wife and I were having was, "What about me?" Not, "What can I do to help," or even, "I'm sorry you're having a hard time."

My wife is a recovering pill-addict effectively in her first ninety days doing the "90 (meetings) in 90 days" program, which means she's gone from home at least five hours a day.

I have been working the graveyard shift, 9PM-7AM four nights a week. If anyone has ever tried to keep those kind of hours, you know that one hour of daytime sleep is worth a half-hour of nighttime sleep, if that. Add small kids to that mix, and you get your sleep interrupted a half-dozen times. The end result is not much rest.

I can't go to bed until after my wife is back from my oldest at school, about 8:30, and then my wife leaves the house between four and five every day, which means I have to be up before or shortly after she leaves. This means that I get from 9-4 to sleep, which means I get maybe 3 or 4 hours sleep with all the interruptions.

Add to that the stress from the awkward living conditions between us, the stress from the presence of the Monster-in-law, and the stress from working through the roughest part of the SA therapy... I'm about ready to lose my mind.

My T asked me to write out everything I could remember about what happened to me. Last night I did as she asked. I remembered more than I thought I would, and more than I ever wanted to. My wife... well, let's just say that she wasn't very supportive.

We had some words yesterday regarding the resentment we feel toward each other and the fact that she demands I be available essentially at her whim. It makes me want to move out...

As it is, I'm contemplating sleeping in the kids' room where I normally sleep during the days I work from now on. I need that separation, because, frankly, I don't feel safe when I'm around her.

Sometimes life just sucks.
 
Dewey,

I hope your marriage isn't dead, If you think there's any chance you can keep it alive, check out "Divorce Remedy" by Michele Weiner-Davis. There's a bb dedicated to the ideas in her books at divorcebusting.com .

If you're going to split, then here's some advice from a survivor whose wife was not supportive (she told me when I found a local group for partners of male survivors, "It's not that important to me.") and whose mother in law moved in with us (and even stayed with me for months after my wife left).

Don't move out until you talk with a lawyer about what's best for you. Do NOT expect a monster in law and your wife to do what's best for you, or even what's decent and fair, if you move out before you know what that can do to your rights to be with your kids.

Write up a summary of your marriage sitch and discuss it in the free initial consultation with each lawyer you meet. (You should talk to more than one.)

My heart goes out to you, man. The kinds of betrayal I suffered from my soon to be ex wife are at least as painful to me as the stuff that brought me to this site years ago.

Hang in there.

Joe
 
Originally posted by kaceechase:
Once anyone abuses a child they steal the Soul of that child
Click to expand...
kaceechase,
Your right about "stealing the soul". Something is taken that you can never get back. It's pure innocence. That is something worth more than all the money in the world. A little boy's innocence is such a precious commodity. It is delicate thing and should be protected. One who steals that has no business taking up space in this world.
 
One thing I've learned from my 17 years of recovery and it's that whether it takes 5 seconds, 2 years or more, during the abuse an exchange occurs. Your abuser gives you emotions, screwed up ideas and other crap while he takes our normal feelings of safety, good selfesteem and the like. It takes just a matter of seconds. Yet, to give him his crap back (get rid of what he gave us) and to take back what he took (the stuff that heals our wounds and makes us feel 'normal' again) takes some of us a lifetime. For me, I explain my recovery as giving back TO my perp and taking back FROM my perp. It is not measured in length of time but were you ever abused!

Howard
 
Originally posted by ScottyTodd:
whether it takes 5 seconds, 2 years or more, during the abuse an exchange occurs.
Click to expand...
ScottyTodd,
What you just said above has made the most sense to me ever! It is exactly what happens. I just have never heard it said so well and to the point. I was always concerned that the 20 minutes or so 44 years ago was not that big of a deal (compared to what has happened to others on here by comparison) but always wondered why it bothered me so much.

So in the context of marriage, sex creates an emotional and physical bond that is both good and right. Otherwise, if it's between a male camp councelor and a 12 year old impressionable boy, there is still an emotional and physical exchange but it is both bad and wrong. So the little boy's brain gets programming that is extremely flawed and causes the lifetime of problems. With innocence taken in such a perverse way that the "emotions, screwed up ideas, and other crap" are planted and then grow into something grotesque. All because of some idiot's selfishness.
 
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