Feeling low and frustrated

[andrew76]

I have tried to open myself up to others about my abuse but at times like others have posted I feel like I have to be strong and show no signs of weakness but yet today I feel very low and very weak I have tried to share what I feel about becoming a father to my spouse and how I feel about my life as it exists today and I told my spouse I am scared of becoming a father as I don't know what type of father I will be even though I took on the responsibility of my nephew from day one when he was born thanks to his low life father who did not care at the time.In some ways I feel it will be completely different being a father 24/7 then just taking my nephew every weekend.

I feel like I am coming apart at the seams and i find it hard to try and rethread those seams together.I feel like everything right now is coming apart and all i want to do is wrap it all back up and shove it deep down inside of me and deal with it later.I have wanted to confront my abuser for so long that I am frustrated the meeting has not happened but yet on another hand maybe I have too much running through my head already and need to focus on letting go of the things that I have been having problems for many years and unable to allow myself to deal with such as the feelings of will I be a good father or not and with my abusive spouse this all wraps up into the mind set of the weakness I talk about on one hand I feel like I am strong but on the other hand I feel so weak right now and I am trying to be the perfect person that feels nothing at all and can numb out everything.My mind is running overtime and I am trying to deal with it as it comes along with dealing with letting go of my health I have finally decided No more if i am to survive as I have lived a fighter then no more hospitals,doctors,nurses,medications.If it's the man upstairs plan to take me then take me and get it over with if not then let me have my health and quit screwing with my life and with my head.No machines,No life support if it's my time to go then let me go,I have explained this to my spouse last night as I am coming apart and my spouse lost it last night I told her I made the decision that she is not to make anymore decisions when it comes to my better well being only my mother who is a nurse and I have instructed her that I want to be let go no more medical torcher

Therapy has helped in the past for me to get through but no amount of neuropsychology or other psychology will help me cope with what I am facing now if its my time to go then it is my time to go but if the man upstairs does not want to take me then fine from this point on I am just along for the ride no more trying to fix things or trying to control things or trying to act so strong when I know I have weaknesses that are undealt with now is the time to face these weaknesses head on no matter how low it takes me this is the only way I am going to come out on top and survive if its the plan the man upstairs has for me.This is just some of the feelings that I have right now that I am facing it is a very difficult period and frustrating period for me I will not take my life so I don't want any one to worry if its gods plan then its my time if not then some how I must survive and fight.

 

[ForeverFighting]

I'm sorry you're having a bad day. The lows are really tough. And I understand what you're saying. My wife and I have had this conversation. I'm not going out on purpose, but if I have a tumor, don't you dare keep me alive one more day than I have to be. Is that sick or what? But it's the truth. And thankfully, she feels the same way.

It does get better. Don't give up on therapy. Maybe a different therapist, but therapy is the only way I know to get out the other side of this big, black thing we're in. For me, it's letting go and feeling the pain, not being the tough guy--that's what helps me feel better. The pressure builds and builds until it comes out anyway in a lousy day full of conversations like you had with your wife.

I know you won't fall apart completely. It is possible to do this work and feel better. And I don't think it's "weak" to feel hurt about the mess some jerk chose to make of our lives. It's mourning the loss of the decades of our lives. I lost the thought of having any family at all, the hope of having my mom say that I'm OK. I've lost a lot, but look what we've gained. People who we can be close to. They know our pain, and they still like us. Those are the real friends.

Hang in there. And I think the fact that you care what kind of father you'll be shows that you'll be a good father.

 

[Bobby]

You guys keep me so humble. I can't imagine either one of you ever talking about weakness. You both show unbelievable strength on your journeys. Bobby