I think we all withdraw when the past takes hold. It is such a dark place. I withdrew into my own world, happy to be away from situations that I felt put me deeper into the past. The hurt and pain of reliving the past was so great and then to be in a situation where people pretend or deny the abuse only made life a living hell. Even today some still try to make it a living hell and their denial is only hurting them. However, once I accepted the past the more I found myself enjoying people again. But it was not easy--people reached out to me, and that had not been done in such a long time by anyone. I realize everyone expected me to give, to be there at all hours, to be second or third fiddle in life as long as their demands were met and most to be ignored as I struggled and asked for help. I look back and the signs were there I was struggling but no one paid any attention, just demanding more and more. Having people reach out to me, helped take me from the isolation and to focus on today and not the past. The past was something that controlled me for so long, but the grip was very slowly weakening.
I think once you get to the point, and for each of us it is at different times, of feeling the priest (abuser) no longer controls then there is the hope of re-entering the world. The isolation I believe was my fear of others knowing that I was "damaged" by the priest decades ago. Once I did not care what others thought I was able to move forward. It is not easy and may be because I am older I do not care a rat's ass what others think of me. I worried for so much of my life, it stifled me, all because I was an altar boy who was abused. Well hell, did it stop the abuser, no. It only hurt me. Letting go has let me find peace and love and allowed me to find a connection, an intimacy, with someone who reached out to me and she saw the damaged child could be who I should be. I am I 100% over the abuse, no, do I have times where the past creeps in and pushes me back, yes, will I ever be 100% free of the what was done in the church cellar, I do not know. But one thing I do know I want to be happy and have joy in my life.
Writing this made me realize how lost and isolated I felt over the past 10 or 15 years. I found myself crying, why was so much of my life lost I kept asking. No one was there except myself and memories of the abuse. I may have done things that were not me but with my history of dissociation I will never know for sure. I have memories of seeing movies but where, when and with whom I do not know, being on streets or in places only knowing I had been there but why and when I do not know, coming back and being in places and streets not knowing how I got there, so many gaps in my life. The abuser had a control on part me, that the rest of me denied. But at least today I know who I am and what I need in life and the people I want in my life. I think my friend taught me this in a silent way, by how she lives her life. What will become of us or will I ever meet anyone like her again, I do not know, but what she has given me is a sense of being whole. That wholeness has made me feel "found" and not lost.
