Feeling lost (Triggers?)

[Printer57]

Greetings all,
I have not posted in several months...had health issues not related to recovery, needed surgery feeling better now.
Haven't had time to keep up w/ the board, but I kind of "checked in" and read some posts occasionally.
Now I'm starting to get that sinking feeling. That sense of being swallowed up by what happened to me as a boy again. I supposed thast since my health isseus are resolving, that my recovery issues are confronting me again. I know they never really left.
Lots of urges to go towards use of porn. I know its not the way to go for me. It only accelerates the spiral downward, but the pull is really strong right now.
My relationships w/ my wife is great. No other acting out issues present. Just lots of images in my mind right now, like a movie in fast forward.
Thanks for listening. It is always helpful to write this stuff out. It makes it real. Not just the pain that is felt and is real, but also that there is a real mechanism by which I can express what the heck is going on within.
Peace,
printer

 

[Mike Church]

Printer:

Good to see you back and well. Yes while the issues of health took a precedence the other never really leaves until we face it head on. Are you seeing a therapist. If not there is under Surivivors on this page a great source.


I know the pull to past coping mechanism is great. I mean it was safe and comfortable and when we deal with things it is unknown territory and that can be a scary thing. I think the best way is to take it one day at a time. We can fight the battles of one day but it is when we add those two awful eternities yesterday and tomorrow that we cannot cope. I yanked that directly from AA but it definitely has relevance for us.

Happy to see you again

 

[Lloydy]

Printer
I looked at porn on Friday night for about half hour.

Then I got bored with it and went to bed.

I'm not making light of your struggle though, I know what its like when we get, as Mike says, the urge to use our old coping mechanisms.
But the fact is they worked well for us, my coping mechanisms of acting out with other men and using porn probably kept me relatively sane if not alive. So I'm actuall grateful for them.

But we move on and heal the problems caused by our SA, and the coping mechanisms need to become more sophisticated, more in tune with the person we aim to be become instead of the person our abuse created. And acting out / porn isn't a part of that.

I'm not bothered that I looked at porn on Friday, I don't feel at all guilty about it - for two reasons.
Firstly, the time before I looked at porn was months ago, so that's GOOD NEWS as far as I'm concerned, and I concentrate on the positive rather than the negative now.

The second thing I do is dump the guilt and shame.
I look at porn - "so f*****g what!"
It's a direct result of my abuse, the type of porn I look at is the same as what my abusers told me I was good at. It's THEIR porn, I just have some 'attraction' ( can't think of a better word ) to that kind of act / porn that became a big part of my coping mechnasism, and some of it's still lurking there. Why should I feel guilty and ashamed of using my coping mechanism?

As time goes on I need my coping mechanism less and less, and the urges get weaker. When I do succumb, the power of the porn is also less each time. It's fading away fast now.

It was hard to start with, and I appreciate your battle I really do. But maybe try and look at it as something that helps? It's against our instinct I know, we want rid of it. But thinking about the whole "why do I use porn?" scenario from the abuse right up to your present day fight with it helps.
Don't just think of it as one episode, or a series of episodes, of using porn. Go back to the very start and understand why?

Then you'll hopefully understand 'how' to deal with it.

Dave

 

[Leosha]

Welcome back. I am glad that your health issues are better. I have a friend dealing with a serious health issue himself right now, and I know that it does 'push aside' the recovery issues for a while. But yes, they are always there. I hope that now that you are back here and able to read and share some more, you will have a better time with more support. Please take good care of yourself.

Leosha