Feeling lost and alone...

[SilentNoLonger]

So it's been a while since I last posted here and thought it was time to post again.
[Sorry for the huge post, I guess I've just had a lot of time between postings and need to get stuff off my chest. I've tried to break things into paragraphs to make a bit more sense and organize things better.

Also sorry to those who saw/replied to my post last year around this same time, I did read the replies and am very thankful for the supportive words. I'm still very shy and have a hard time allowing myself to respond to messages for fear of sounding stupid or saying something wrong. I'm still trying to learn to accept/understand that there are others out there who feel the same way and can relate and help out. I'm still fairly new to all of this and forums in general. Hope I don't sound like I'm repeating myself from a year ago, though I'm guessing that's normal (or not?).]

I just feel very lost and lonely right now and I don't know how to get out of this rut and it just feels like such a slog going through my day-to-day routine, which at this point is pretty much nothing and just feels like my life is so far off course at this point in my life.

So a little about me to help illustrate how I'm feeling and what my life is all about right now: So I posted my CSA story about a year ago and it felt, at least for a moment, somewhat freeing. I felt like a little bit of weight and a little bit of fear had been lifted, or at least that I was doing something positive in my life. It's been 3 years since I got out of an emotionally abusive relationship and I'm just starting to admit to myself that I haven't really even recovered from that yet, let alone started to recover from what happened to me as a child. But a few positive things were at least happening at the beginning of this year: I was in a pretty good relationship with a relatively good and stable woman, I had a great job prospect in the grasp of my hand, I was getting a better handle on controlling my eating problems, and I was starting to gain confidence and feel some progress at my weekly counselling sessions.

Unfortunately, that has all fallen apart. The relationship I was in wasn't as good as I was letting myself believe it was; there were a lot of communication problems and she just wasn't giving me any time and I just wasn't a priority for her. It really hurt when she texted me to break up with me (after making excuses as to why she couldn't come see me constantly and avoiding questions through text) and then telling me that being unemployed for a few months in combination with being "depressing" around her was making her unhappy being with me. I only remember having a down week the week before she broke up with me but tried very hard to put on a happy face when I was around her before that (and in the 2 weeks leading up to it and all throughout the relationship actually being happy with where I was at for once). Anyways it's over and done with and I've accepted that already, it's just a real punch in the guts how she did it and lying to me telling me that I had nothing to worry about and that she still cared for me deeply, still making plans for the rest of the year.

On top of that, that job prospect fell through completely. My prospective employer kept throwing me curveballs and just wasn't doing his job to help me get the position. I had a little job for a friend of the family around Christmas time last year but otherwise have been unemployed for over a year now. I applied to this position last November, had my interview mid-December, was told I got the position mid-January, waited on a police-check all throughout February (they were no help in trying to get that fast-tracked or anything either), waited on paperwork from them (which should've been ready for me in that time once my police check cleared mid-February) until late March and then just lack of communication until I just gave up in April. The job, by the way, was only supposed to last until mid-June, so I don't understand what was going on with them or why I had so much trouble making any progress with them. In the meantime, I was still applying to jobs and still not getting any responses (which is still the story of my life to this day).

So with all of that happening, I also had the worst attack of gout I've ever had and gained a lot more weight.

Oh and did I mention that because of the CSA and my mind trying to work this all out, trying to adapt to the modern world and just being an adult who wasn't socialized properly growing up, not to mention being naturally introverted, I don't have a social life and have very few connections with the outside world? The only real friends I have live almost 2 hours away, won't come visit me (I live in a small town with nothing to do here) and don't answer texts very much. I don't know, it just feels like climbing a mountain trying to make new friends or getting accepted into some kind of group. If I were working I could at least try and make friends at work. I'm considering volunteering, I guess I'm just worried about the social aspect of volunteering and don't want to come off as a creep or weirdo to people who can't take some time to get to know me.

I also found out that a guy I knew from my childhood committed suicide over the summer. I hadn't seen him in about 10 years or so and didn't know him as an adult (also wasn't really close with his family), but it shocked me and hit home. All I know is that he was battling depression and probably had some other things going on in his head that he just couldn't deal with. Talking with my family about it didn't help much cause they just couldn't fathom how he got to the point of suicide and even just the depression just didn't make any sense to them. While I've had some thoughts about suicide in my past, I've never been close enough that I've ever actually thought about doing it, but I can relate to his depression and feelings of being lost and without purpose. And that's where I differ from my family, they just can't see things from the perspective of someone with mental health issues, which obviously makes it hard to communicate my feelings and thoughts with them. It's just made me feel like I can't go to them about what's going on in my head cause they won't understand or will ignore what I'm saying and say whatever they think would make them feel better. I feel bad even mentioning my own feelings of depression when talking about him because I don't want to take away from his passing or make things about me.

And now the loneliness and depression are just getting worse and with winter coming I'm just getting really worried about this part of my life continuing this way. I hate being jobless, not having any friends, being overweight and out of shape, depending on my parents for financial support, and just feeling so powerless against my emotions and memories.

I guess this is mostly just a rant, I just want someone to say they understand or at least just listen. I feel like my support network, my family, doesn't understand me at all and they just don't say the right things and just can't get to the same place as me to understand what I'm trying to say or wanting to hear from them (or not hear, maybe I just need them to just nod their head and just listen, I don't know).

I'm just really frustrated and maybe need some advice from people who have maybe gone through something similar (or are currently feeling the same sort of things). I guess it really is true that you need to experience something before you can understand it. That's why it's so hard for me to get people who've never experience abuse or a mental health issue to understand and empathize properly.

I'm just looking for a way to "get back to normal", or at least get my life back on track.

I'm 29 and I don't want to spend another year or more being single, jobless, overweight, alone, and confused/frustrated with my thoughts and feelings. It really sucks. I hate waking up in the morning (or afternoon, sleep hasn't really been normal for me for a few months) and just wanting to go back to sleep because my dreams make me happier than being awake. The beginning of this year just felt like some great progress and felt like I was making some good changes, and now all of that is lost and I feel back to square one.

And it really doesn't help reading or hearing from people on other sites and what not to just suck it up or how everyone has crappy moments in their life and manage to get by, or how there's plenty of people out there living with worse things than me who've managed to succeed in life. Or feeling like I'm complaining over nothing or like I just don't know how to deal with "first world problems".

Sorry if I rambled or if my sentences went off track, I tried to edit my thoughts into something that made sense and could get my point across.


P.S.

Anyone have advice for someone like me who's still afraid of being judged and has trouble trusting weather people will care and have something positive to say and be of help? I think that's what has kept me from posting in the past, I just get scared off because I keep doubting myself and have a hard time accepting help and accepting that my feelings and thoughts are valid and worthy of care. I'm just really introverted and it takes me time to trust people (hell I still have trouble trusting myself and my family!) but I don't want to continue to go through this alone and end up living the rest of my life in isolation and continuing to fail to meet my potential, whatever that may be. I'm also still trying to gain the courage to be more active on this site, still really the only forum/social media type thing that I'm a part of.

 

[KMCINVA]

SilentNoLonger

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time with everything. I think CSA has a way of putting us into moods that seem so overwhelming. Too be honest I have been in one lately and I write here trying to get my perspective back. Life is not fair and it throws us curve balls and for some it is like a pitching machine out of control. We need to find our stance so we can take aim and hit the balls out of the park. It always sound easy.

The sense of being judged I believe comes from the sense of worthlessness many of us develop because of the abuse, we feel damaged and fear other seeing this damage. I have recently been under attack on social media and told of accusations which are not true and these have been spread to many, and I thought I had control not to allow the people to push me back. I realized I did not have it fully under control, I have slipped over the past several months in my sense of being valued, because I have let the judgment and half truths and lies of others push me back a few steps to being that boy in the church cellar, waiting for whatever the priest decided I "needed" that day. I have felt despair and had fleeting moments of ways to just chuck it in. I said no because I have much to do for myself. I struggle. Giving in to suicide will deprive you of the life you deserve, one with happiness and void of loneliness. We understand what you are feeling.

I understand loneliness, I have a wonderful special friend who is overseas on assignment. When she was here life seemed so enriched, so full of laughter and understanding. She could be with me, silent and I felt safe. It was something I needed to heal and move forward with life. When she left I was in good shape but the attacks and accusations and hearing about them from others has set me back. We talk and it helps, but not the same as having her here. She will be back soon for a few days. I have other friends and they are wonderful but that one on one emotionally and physically is something that we need. I know in time you will find someone who will give you that sense. It takes time and sometimes you have to put yourself out there to meet that person.

You have challenges which can turn into opportunities. You mentioned you are overweight, start an exercise program, walk each day and increase the distance, it will be good for your mental and physical health. Overtime build up the level of exercise.

You said you thought about volunteering, go for it. A few hours here and there and you will build up our confidence. It can be behind the scenes, putting together pamphlets or mailings. You will meet and feel a sense of contribution.

Take one step at a time and then figure out what you want to do as far as work. You need the confidence to be in the workforce.

I see strength in your words and reaching out for help. You need professional help to work through the issues. Being scared is part of facing the issues. Once you slowly begin to share you will begin to release the poison of the issues.

You are not alone, we all struggle and being here helps me to remember there is hope and a future--

Kevin

 

[jas4159]

hello silent no longer:

I do understand and relate to your story and feelings. It is good you are questing and searching for answers. it is a good sign of a beginning for recovery. I have been on this site for several years now and your questions and story are so familiar. What is frustrating for me now is that i use to be you and now i have had wonderful success at recovery. I feel so different now.
The frustration is i hear you and feel for all who feel like you and now that i feel differently it is hard to explain how I achieved my success with recovery.

If i had to say there is one thing that allowed me to move forward with recovery it was realizing and accepting that i was not to blame. I don't mean just the words being said but really understanding in my soul that it really was not my fault. Believing this really opened the door to recovery for me. Realizing i was not to blame allowed me to look at my condition differently. It allowed me to focus on healing the wounds and repairing the damage done to myself-esteem, and so many other things.

I never would have believed recovery was possible back in the day and to feel as i do now and not be able to easily articulate my experiences frustrates me when trying to answer your request for advice.

I outlined my recovery in my book whole again. you can read it in my blog. Recovery is real and very possible. My approach was to reach out to people and professionals, and do my own work and learn as much as i could about other survivors, what abuse does to a child and anything else i could learn that would help my recovery. in the back of my book is a list of very interesting articles and books that helped me. My recovery became my crusade.

I hope this helps you a bit;

stay in touch

rich

 

[tommyb]

(silentnolonger)


"And now the loneliness and depression are just getting worse and with winter coming I'm just getting really worried about this part of my life continuing this way. I hate being jobless, not having any friends, being overweight and out of shape, depending on my parents for financial support, and just feeling so powerless against my emotions and memories."


Post here, as much as you want. I'll definitely read your posts all winter and more.

 

[brightheart]

It sounds like the classic puke blowout that happens whenever someone is handed a poop storm on a brick sandwich.

Dude, you're definitely not alone. You obviously already went through some stuff that will mess with your perception of things, but try and get a grip on even one of those things and speak directly to it.

Those 'things', they used to have power over you, but you're an adult now, and I bet that not nearly as many have the death grip they used to.

Keep posting, keep it steady, don't try to eat it all at once.

I *HATE* Winter - it makes me feel utterly hopeless and angry, so you're definitely not alone on that one. I'm *sharing* this with you so that you don't have to go into it feeling alone.

FYI "trying to adapt to the modern world and just being an adult who wasn't socialized properly growing up"

 

[intochange]

Whenever I start to sleep, I wind up clenching muscles corresponding to what is in the dream, or I get almost attacked by a snake but not quite. I despise snakes. I take klonapin. I relax a bit. But, I'm thinking about money as I have never had to think about it before in my life. Fear of not balancing and being punished with a fine for not balancing gave me the sweats last night.
My dog died. For the first time since 1985, I am alone in my home. No dog to say get up and feed me, let me out or play with me. No cat (boring) to stand on me and purr, meow and beg for food.
Not working due to disability. Been fortunate to have income from my old work trickling in, but that is almost completely over.
Purposeless, I stayed in bed for last three days except for a two or three hour stretch here and there.
Going to the pool this afternoon and to a support group meeting this evening. Coming home from those magnifies my home's silence. If I can sit still long enough to read, I try to do some of that. Music helps a lot. A jackhammer digging out where new granite curbs will go is a welcome sound. And then, of course, its not.
Apparently my adrenal system is furious about being held on high alert day and night for years and continuing up to now. Meditation can help with that. But, I'm sweating at the slightest potential for a conflict. I am consciously letting others fumble around until they reach their own consensus, or if I can ultimately help, I do. I don't tell the group what we should do and why. This is a lack of control that requires the highest awareness of where I am and who is saying what. Very hard.

 

[intochange]

Oh, as to this notion of normality. You'd never have guessed that behind the evergreens in the big white house my father was throwing me around, slapping me and punching me. Only recently when I started to talk about this did anyone I went to school with have any idea of the physical abuse to which I was subjected. So even before I was sexually abused I had been taught that I was a stupid, bad boy, a loud mouth and a liar. So with that "normal" upbringing I was primed for sexual abuse at age 8- 8 1/2.
I constantly remind myself "You're a big boy now." That helps a lot. I tell this story about me often; each time something shifts slightly for the better. My social anxiety is still through the roof. Once I can calm down around people, they see the me who loves Susan Sontag, Mark Rothko, Clifford Still, Augusten Burroughs and Paul Theroux.
Right now, I have to finish a big piece of work. Little details need to be attended to. I stew about it a lot. If I'd worked on it as much as I've worried about it, I'd have finished by last Friday!
I was taught to do something kind for someone who will not know who did it; do something kind for someone who is fully aware of my help; do something kind for myself. Gets me out when nothing else does. That little discipline has changed my mood so many times. Thinking about covertly helping someone else gets me thinking about them instead of myself.
We shall hibernate this winter together, but separately.

 

[KMCINVA]

It sometimes is easier said then done to fight back. Sometimes the emotions can be overwhelming. You think you conquered the demons but they are not laid to rest. The world and others resurrect the past by words and actions. You think you are immune to their remorseless and merciless attacks. Then they find new ways to rob your soul of the healing you have worked so hard to achieve. If the world knew and if something does happen to me, I do hope the world learns of the attacks filled with words of untruthfulness and words of events that I do not know but may or may not have occurred, thrown my way in emails, in social media so others can join their bandwagon to protect them from the truth. I have written what needs to be written and to be shared with the world when I will be but a distant memory.

I have tried to recover, to understand but others have done all in their power to make it otherwise. I believed I had overcome much of the damage. Many wonderful people rallied for me despite the words and actions of others, who were hurt and I accept, but to believe treating a human being as I have been treated as I struggled to overcome one of the most devastating acts a child can experience and live with for a lifetime is beyond my comprehension.

I struggle today. I am blessed to have met wonderful people as I struggled. Many are there for me but have their lives to live which brings new and exciting changes for them. For me, I somehow after the recent events by family members find myself in this funk. I have to push myself to do anything and it is a struggle and sometimes exhausting. I know they laugh and think they have succeeded in hiding the truth from the world, but others will read of what I lived in detail as a way to know and more importantly share with the world, to educate and spare another victim or survivor of CSA or any other abuse victim from experiencing such callous and malevolent treatment.

Recovery is possible but it takes the victim to first face the past and to be surrounded by people who support recovery and not those that thrive to protect their perceived ideal world and the truth by sacrificing a victim or survivor. The sacrificial lamb, the scapegoat to hide the truth of what was done to unravel, trigger the flashbacks, dissociated episodes, the nightmares, the clawing at the arm until blood appeared and abandonment. At last their wish will be here and they can bask in their words and actions, pat each other on the back and say a job well done. Be proud of yourself for no one else will be if they knew the truth.

Sometimes one must leave in order to escape not to feel alone. For those who have stood by me, you are true heroes who had the courage to be there for someone who was struggling and the cowardice of those who thought they played no role in my spiraling into the world and control of the abuse. Yes to the latter group you did, the abuse was real despite what you have told others, I lived it and carried the scars for a lifetime and you reopened and deepened those wounds.

 

[Jude]

Hi SNL,

The title of your post caught my eye this evening. I'm feeling a little lost and alone myself tonight.

So I can relate to your having some setbacks. Okay, ALOT of setbacks. One of the keys for me has been learning to stay in the present. Even a shitty present. And not reliving the shitty past, or projecting to a shitty future.

So a couple of weeks ago I got an annual performance evaluation at work that was somewhat negative. My standard response to this kind of thing would be to replay all the bad experiences I've had in the past, and then anticipate all the bad experiences I expect to come in the future. Once a loser, always a loser, right?

But the reality is that the past is the past and can't be changed. It does me no good to live there. The future is beyond my control, good, bad, or indifferent. I can't live there either. So that leaves today. I do what I can to make today the best it can possibly be. And the good news about a shitty today is that it won't last. Today always ends and tomorrow always comes.

I'll end there because I'm starting to sound like a Hallmark card. But hey it works for me.

Jude

 

[LinEar]

Recovery is possible but it takes the victim to first face the past and to be surrounded by people who support recovery and not those that thrive to protect their perceived ideal world and the truth by sacrificing a victim or survivor. The sacrificial lamb, the scapegoat to hide the truth of what was done to unravel, trigger the flashbacks, dissociated episodes, the nightmares, the clawing at the arm until blood appeared and abandonment. At last their wish will be here and they can bask in their words and actions, pat each other on the back and say a job well done. Be proud of yourself for no one else will be if they knew the truth.

I found this paragraph to be inspiring. I'm not sure how much you meant it to be that way, but thank you. It's late at night and I'm having a hard time making sense of some words (my overtired fault, not yours!)

 

[SilentNoLonger]

Thank you all for your responses. Sorry its taken me so long to respond to your posts, I guess its still the fear of being judged and fear that I'm alone in this journey that kept me from replying sooner.

The first time I read the responses my brain didn't seem to want to let me believe what I was reading, trying to suck me back into that form of self-preservation. I'm still not used to seeing such positive and supportive words from others and it will still take some time to get used to.

I'm slowly getting back to making progress with my counselor and really trying hard to listen to her words of support and re-train my brain to love myself and accept myself for who I am, and to allow me to get back in touch with the person that the abuse has suppressed all these years.

Anyways, I will be pushing myself to visit this site more often (and log in when I do so) and reach out for that much needed support, and hopefully be able to give support to others too.

[Rhetorical question] Why does it have to be so hard to face reality and recover? I really hope the coming year has more ups than downs, I'm really looking forward to being more happy than not rather than having more down days.

 

[tommyb]

(silentnolonger)