Feeling hysterical and out of control

[don64]

I moved back out into the world of people 6-7 months ago, and my issues of feeling safe have skyrocketed to the surface. So far, I have been able to work through each bubble of terror that has surfaced. What happens to me is that what "normal" people do or don't do every day can be cataclysmic for me, and require extraordinary amounts of energy for me to work through. I have grown and grown and grown during this period, BUT it has required a huge increase of my limited budget to manage my anxiety and terror while I do this. I have needed much more medication, ice cream, candy, have overeaten more, and this is not sustainable for me financially or physically.

Therapy is not an option because of available resources where I live, as well as it is not viable financially. I live on a small island in the tropics, and in another month or two I will have to air condition about 10 hours a day to survive. The temperatures combined with the humidity for about 6 months is more than I can manage. Electricity is about 5 times mainland costs.

So, I'm getting squeezed and am aware I can't do everything I have been doing. I simply don't have the income for it.

So, I'm faced with the prospect of having to withdraw some from people just in order to afford to survive physically and financially in the hot months. The choir I sing in and the church I go to are big healthy additions to my life, and at the same time they cause serious reverberations with all my safety issues. Moving out into the world of people has meant much more financial outlays. I don't drive, and have to pay to have someone take me shopping each week, and pay to get back and forth to church. If I didn't have such an increase in my food/medication budget because of uncontrollable anxiety triggered by facing my increased dealings with people, my budget would be in balance. I've also increased the money I spend on movies because just sitting with my anxiety is not doable for me.

So, either I grow some more very quickly which will enable me to have much more control over my choices, or I have to set rigid boundaries about the amount of exposure I have to people over the next several hot months so I don't need so much temporary but necessary anxiety/terror relief. I just hadn't thought I would need to withdraw again. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'm in the midst of a painful but productive shift. But, I'm feeling very panicky and out of control at the moment.

Don

 

[Bardo]

Don,
I'm sorry you are in a rough spot at the moment. On the practical side, is there any assistance available for utility costs? Sometimes municipalities have programs to help those on limited or fixed incomes survive the high energy costs during peak use. Likewise for your medications, not knowing if you are in an American territory or otherwise, is there assistance available for your required medications? These things may be a lifeline that can help you get through the financial squeeze while you deal with your safety issues. Sometimes churches can help as well. I don't feel wise enough to guide you in your emotional journey, except to say that as you shift in and out of anxious and panicky moments, the sky above you remains the same ecstatic blue. This you know, but it has helped me in times of suffering to realize that my states are temporary, however horrible they are, and that permanence and beauty are always there and accessible to me if I can only see them. Sending you all of the love and compassion that I can.

Freeman

 

[lostc]

sorry to hear about how you've been feeling Don. could it maybe be an idea to try to combat the panicky out of control feelings by trying to set up and design a plan (maybe a digital one so you can add and remove and change things as you think of things) about how to proceed forward with things so to create some sense of order and control on the situation?

I'm not sure if this could ever of much help but I came across this free online thing recently, MoodGYM, "Learn cognitive behaviour therapy skills for preventing and coping with depression." https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome/new/splash

Haven't tried it myself but could be useful for developing coping skills and so on.

 

[traveler]

Don -

a couple of thoughts -

first, this is actually a good sign, in some ways. you used to panic at the thought of going out into public. now you are panicking at the thought of having those excursions curtailed. that is pretty big progress, if you ask me! something to be thankful for.

now for a suggestion or two:

would it be possible for you to hitch a ride with someone else - another choir member or a neighbor? a while back, i was in a tight spot where i had no way to attend a support group if i had to provide my own transportation. i ended up having to ask for help from other members of the group and a couple were willing to pick me up and bring me home. that was difficult for me because of my pride and independence. for one guy, it was not much out of the way, so no big inconvenience to him. we became good friends as a result of our weekly rides together. the other guy was willing to make an extra trip and put lots of miles on his car to help me out. it was humbling - and difficult for me to call him the few times that i needed his help. but it was a wonderful gift that i learned to accept.

i hope you will not be offended by the next idea. if you are over-eating and using a lot of ice cream and candy to self-medicate, this may be an opportunity for you to make some more healthy choices. not necessarily cut it out entirely, but maybe limit and ration your intake. if you approach it as a healthy decision to help yourself, maybe it might help with both the budget and your general physical well-being. maybe you can also find some other, less expensive treats - reading or music recordings instead of movies, watching movies more than once and looking for previously unnoticed nuances, etc.

one more - can you use fans rather than the air conditioning for part of the time? that might reduce the expense as well. we have lived in the tropics for the past 20 years and had varying degrees of access to power and AC. in our present location, we have no AC but the fans do a pretty good job much of the time.

hoping you find some viable options,
Lee

 

[Acorn2Oak]

Hey Don,

Gosh, what you're sharing sounds a lot like what I went through after a flashback a few years ago. Very intense. No fun atoll! (I still don't understand why people dislike puns.) Just told about a website last night, calmclinic.com. Looks like some pretty good info. If you have a smart phone, there's an app called iChill that may be helpful.

And one of my all time favorites, search "EFT Tapping" online and on YouTube. Simple enough technique to be self-facilitated (though having a facilitator helps) and has done wonders for me over and over again in various staged of emotional turmoil, rage, anxiety, even panic attacks -- in a matter of MINUTES. There's even a book, EFT for PTSD. Search EFT Tapping Summit for info, including documentary videos, about what EFT can do.

In any case, though it may not feel like it, there IS a way through this. For what it's worth, my T encouraged me to be gentle with myself as I dealt with crisis. It's very unsettling. We all need compensators from time to time and it's practical to me to temporarily use cookies, donuts, etc to ease the intensity until I can achieve a more permanent resolution.

Seen a lot of good, practical suggestions on here so far. Hang in there.

 

[GoodKiwi]

Bless you Don,

As hard as it sounds, what you've said seems really positive and I'm hoping its a painful and productive shift as you say.

I struggle with weight (borderline obese) and am having to make the sort of conscious decisions Lee talks about to do with exercise and diet - easier said than done but there must be a way.

Wishing you well,

GK

 

[Bluedogone]

Don,

Over time you've offered so much love, support and encouragement in your posting, and I'm sorry I don't have any quick fix answers now that you have this feeling hysteria and out of control. I hope some of the above suggestions will be helpful to you in this very difficult time.
I would suppose that a great many people there are tourists or transient so transportation can be a real problem. Since I no longer drive I realize, too, how tedious and anxious depending on others can be. As was suggested, I hope the folks from the church group can help, especially since it seems the benefits of getting out are so vital to your well being and continued healing.

I now have a fixed amount of monthly income, so it's sometime ominous when unplanned, unexpected expenses come up, but somehow there is always a way, even if painful cuts are necessary.

I hope, because of limited finances, you won't stop getting out more and more in the world of people, and continue leading the "normal" life. Fortunately, the really hot months are limited, and too, as you get out more the medical expenses related to anxiety should be less, and comfort food would not be so vital for your survival.
Hang in there. And this time it's me - sending you love and support.

CJ

 

[Nothing Man]

Don -- I am proud of you for getting out as much as you can. That is a huge step forward.

I have no advice, just love and support to send you just as you send it to everyone else. You're a great guy!

Mike

 

[don64]

Hi Freeman,

As is usual for me, my difficulties are always thinking difficulties, and rarely have anything to do with physical reality. As my thinking cleared up today I moved out of victim mentality and, thinking clearly, made two changes to my budget that gets me the money I need to a/c in the hot months. It always amazes me how I can move from an old state of 'the world is coming to an end' to a state of clarity in a relatively short period of time. I love the image of the sky is always the same ecstatic blue. That will stay with me. Thanks for your love and support.

Don

 

[don64]

Hi Lostc,

Thank you for your support and caring. That is always what is most helpful to me. I look forward to checking out moodgym.

Thanks for being here for me.

Don

 

[don64]

Hi Lee,

You are right on target!. The choir and church are very healthy additions to my life, and I decided very quickly there was no way I would let them go from my life. I moved out of victim mentality by Monday morning. As my thinking cleared up it was easy to make two changes to my way of doing things that are easy and free up the money I need for the hot months.

I, too, have difficulty with asking for help. I'm getting better at it, but, oddly enough, the place in me that had to develop is a place where I get the help from myself. And, this is especially true when the help I give myself is to tell myself that I need to ask for help. I have/have had a really hard time moving out of dependency on others for my reference point.

Thanks for the suggestions about changing eating habits. I always do move out of the serious overeating stage. This is a pattern I am so very familiar with. A shrink I really liked said to me one time, "Don, I can't give you enough tranquilizers for a horse!" However, there are periods where I need enough tranquilizers for a horse, or I move into dangerous territory of low impulse control. At this point I have become familiar enough with myself to know when this is and take measures to keep myself safe, so occasional ice cream and candy therapy. It's conscious with me now and provides me with the timing I need to make broader changes so I then don't need the extra tranquilizing. And, the pattern over the last 25 years is as I give myself permission to have what I need in the moment, I have needed less and less help manually calming myself down. CSA is a very tough nut for me to crack.

Lee, I am still chuckling at 'finding the more unnoticed nuances in movies.' I don't know why I am finding that so hilarious, but it is really making my day. And, I confess I do really enjoy finding the missed pearls that additional viewings can uncover.

Thank you so much for your experience, wisdom, and caring.

Don

 

[don64]

Hi Acorn2Oak,

I don't understand why people don't like puns atoll either. Makes no sense to me. I look forward to checking out calmclinic, and I do like tapping and have for years, I just forget about it. Thanks for the reminder and thanks for your care and concern.

Don

 

[don64]

Hi GK,

This really is a painful but productive shift. In many respects it is the product of 45 years of a conscious effort to stay alive long enough to heal.

My CSA and physical abuse left me without a reference point within myself. Consequently, I stayed in aggressive dependent relationships with people who weren't able to see me or value me. And, I certainly wasn't able to see or value myself. I am so very grateful for the depth and wisdom of sites like MS. MS especially has been my saving grace. During the 1 1/2 years I've been here I have received the support and very esoteric references I needed. I had to understand that the very early damage I sustained is lodged in the brain stem. And, this experience is extremely difficult to access by higher brain functions, as it is at the level of instinct. It's why it is so very difficult to bring early traumatic experiences into consciousness where they can be healed. It's been hard work, but slowly I have been able to form a cognitive framework in which this experience has felt safe enough to rise to the surface. Just my opinion. But, I do figure I am the only one who can be an expert on me.

I feel very fortunate to be in this good company GK. Thank you for your participation.

Don

 

[don64]

Hi CJ,

Thank you so much for your kindness and warmth. A major thing I love about where I live is the absence of an energy to conform. It's made it so much easier for me in the process of finding myself.

I find having only my fixed Social Security to live on to be a huge relief. I know exactly how much money I have each month, and I figure it will always be there. It removes so many options for me that I have all my time to spend thinking about ME. And, you're right! As I become more and more comfortable soaking up the real and natural love present in this small spiritual community I am a part of, I am naturally healed. It's just taken so long for me to become strong enough to walk through the anxiety and fear associated with my trust issues. The only way I can have new experiences is to be strong enough to have them.

Thank you for your love and support,

Don

 

[don64]

Hi Mike,

This is a huge step forward for me, and I am so surprised and feel so fortunate to have found persistence in myself. Thanks for being part of the support I need to keep taking the next step. I'm beginning to sense that love and support is all I ever need. My answers are always within my self. It's just that fear has usually impulsed me into premature action, always with unsatisfying results.

Sending you love and support also,

Don

 

[GoodKiwi]

Hi Don,

Choir on a tropical island - that's hard to beat.

I hear what you're saying about the brain stem stuff being difficult to access and change. I'm starting to see recovery as operating on two levels. On one level we work on ourselves and with other people to make things better. On a deeper level I think we are guided towards understanding at the right time and place but we can't control how that will happen. It might just take more time for those brain stem responses to be put right.

GK

 

[don64]

Hi GK,

I have been aware of the deeper level for such a long time. It's just been extremely hard to develop a trust in the process. I remember studying early child development in school. There is a developmental period--I think before 2--where when a ball is moved behind a screen the child intuitively looks to the other side of the screen for the ball to emerge. I've stayed stuck in out of sight, gone. It's only now in my mid sixties I'm beginning to have faith and trust in the process, and am beginning to be able to calm myself down long enough to sort out things reasonably instead of going into fight or flight all the time. And, I just realized reading your post that I have only recently even embraced the idea of having the ability to recover from my injuries. Even though I have been involved in some form of self help for most of the past 45 years, I never had conscious hope until very recently.

Thanks for the dialogue.

Don

 

[sorryson]

Don64 when I read this I thought you are very brave facing so much and stil having the ability to weigh options and what you need to do to survive while still feeling anxiety. It sounds like you still have a sense of control. I am sorry for your financial situation. Is their any type of government programs that can help you with medication. You have people around you, can they help in anyway or are their small jobs you can do for others. I have read your story for some time and you have come along so well. You found your way back to people and that is important as we try to heal.

I hope you find the support you need on the island.

Paul

 

[don64]

Hi Paul,

I'm having some amazing realizations as I continue to process all this. Tonight I am beginning to see not a right or wrong or good or bad in all this, but just an is. And, when I get to an is I see my money expenditures, my needing so much help to calm down and my hysteria just as a picture of how much out of balance I have been. And, when I am now able to view my situation more dispassionately, I see it's very easy to move the pieces of my life around so I have the time and space and money I need without having to go outside myself.

I am always amazed when I get to this place and see I already have the resources I need, it's just that I had not seen how to deploy them to work well for me. And, all that is tied up in fear and terror and helplessness rising and releasing from my early abuse. I have been playing out a belief system of learned helplessness and dependency, imprinted with sexual abuse and physical abuse. It always seems to be the way with me that as my early, previously hidden, feelings come up to clear, I feel them fully and don't realize I am in a clearing process. I become the feelings, so they play out in my life. And this is the first time I'm able to see so quickly that the difficulties I was feeling so hysterical and out of control about were simply a reflection of my interior, of a time when I had no power or control. And, I was manifesting this energy because it was still unconscious. Once I get past the previously hidden feelings, I am able to look at my imbalance for what it is, imbalance. I can then, eventually, figure out how to bring balance back without going to my child place of helplessness. This is very empowering for me, and I can see how I am learning pattern recognition. Pattern recognition has been absent for most of my life.

Thanks for your support.

Don

 

[justplainme]

You have the answers within you Don, i know you'll pull through. You're a smart chap.