feeling heavy, need to SCREAM

[midnight51]

This is from my journal tonight.

"I havn't been writing much these last couple of months. I guess because I'm afraid... I really hate my life right now, everything looks bad, everything... I'm still super paranoid and I feel like most everyone is out to attack me. It feels like I'm just deteriorating... like I'm decaying into nothing and pretty soon I'm just going to dissapear. I've still been sleeping non stop and really all I want is to be alone, but when I'm alone I'm afraid too. I hate this so much it practically feels like I'm dying. I feel like I'm two inches tall and noone cares about me. Jill... Jill is like my guardian angel, I love that girl so much. Oh shut up don't ruin the only good thing in your fucking life. I'm a fucking psycho case for sure. Like, I don't know what in the fuck happened but all the sudden everything in the world turned bad and it's not going away at all. It's like I'm in a maze and sometimes I try and search for the center but for the most part I'm trying to run and find my way out. But every time I run, the maze gets more and more complex and it makes trying to find the center that much harder. I wish I had my Dad... I don't even wanna be here right now... I find that every time I go to sleep it makes it that much harder to get up again. I don't wanna be awake because I hate what I see... and sometimes I even hate what I see when I'm sleeping because it reminds me of my waking life. Oh what a huge fucking mess... I don't even feel like a real person. I have all of this SHIT inside and I wish it would all go away. But no, it doesn't. It sits there and festers, growing mold and decaying. Decaying me; it never goes away. Nothing ever goes away. This is all bullshit, life seems like a huge waste of my boring time. I can't stand all of this shit! It feels like my chest is going to fucking just cave in and I'm going to implode completely inside myself and just dissapear, forever stuck in my maze searching and searching. And for what? It's all exhausting, I'm so sick of all this pain. The pain is real too... it's not a cut or a scrape... fuck, I'd rather be shot then feel this pain. At least that pain goes away, but no, this is real pain... the pain that latches onto you like a leech and sucks the life out of you until you can't breathe and when you fall to the floor crying in your own wasted space it squeezes harder because it knows you're vulnerable and when it sees you weak and broken on the bottom it attacks again like a fucking vulture... waiting for you to surrender... waiting for you to say "I give up" so it can swoop down and pick at your decayed fucking remains. Decaying... that's all I'm doing is decaying because I'm afraid to fucking live. Afraid that I'll turn my back and someone will point a finger at me and I'll feel it just cut right into me like a knife. Man I was talking to Rachel on the phone a couple nights ago and she was talking about people's paths in life and shit and how it really doesn't matter what paths you take so long as you're happy. I know it... I've been saying that shit for years... I don't even have a fucking path! It feels like I was just thrown into the fucking jungle without a map or compass. I didn't choose this... this was fucking thrown at me and it feels like a backpack full of rocks. And I keep walking... why? I dont know... maybe in hopes that one day I'll be happy... one day I'll be able to look back on all of this tedious bullshit and laugh... no I'd rather smile. It's like looking your enemy in the face... if you laugh he gets upset but if you smile it means you've won. -- What's it like to feel like you're alive? What's it like to feel happy, to feel loved, to feel like you matter? What's it like to say what you want to say and do what you want to do without being such a coward? What's it like to not always feel like you're making mistakes? What's it like to be a father, to have a family, to have a life? What's it like not to feel like everyone wants to just take you and own you and use you for everything you're worth and then leave you cracked and bleeding trying to pick up the pieces to your shattered life. Crawling on the ground in the dark, blind and hopeless trying to reassemble yourself but it feels like the pieces never fit right again. Any way you look at it, it's wrong. Any way you assemble it, it's still broken; still incomplete. And then you have those times where you just say fuck it, crawling in the dark is more safe then braving the light again. But it doesn't fucking matter anymore because you've been there so long you're blind and numb. A hate filled, bottom feeding zombie."

 

[theo]

midnight51,
i want to tell you a story. three years ago this november i was into the fourth month of the greatest hell i had ever known. the only woman i had ever loved up to that point had torn my soul to shreds in her abandonment and subsequent betrayal. for that period of four months i had been living as a zombie. i would drink myself senseless, wake up at six in the morning and go to work with my head in a wheelbarrow. my diet consisted of plain bagels because it was the easieast thing to make. for four months i was a walking dead man. one night it all came to a head. it was not because of what my ex did, it was because of the fact that i could no longer see who i was anymore. everything by which i defined myself was gone, and i did define myself by more than my marriage. i was no longer a person that i could percieve. my sister, her children, my uncle, and my mother were all there that night but i had kept myself secluded in my room. i was going to take my life. i left home that evening with every intent of making good my decision. i pulled into my parish and just sat there in the car for a long time. i went up to the rectory and rang the bell. the priest and i go way back. i asked him if he would let me into the chapel so that i could pray. i stayed on my knees for fortyfive minutes pouring out my soul. nothing came to me at all. i was sitting in the pew waiting for a few minutes before i was going to get up and leave to finish what i set out to do that night. as i looked up to the alter for the last time i saw a very faint light that had no reason to be there. i thought nothing of it at first till it moved forward a little. i started looking around for what the source could have been but there was nothing. i looked back to the alter but it was not there. i looked around some more and found the light by the lectern. once more that light moved forward toward me a little. once again i looked for a source of this but could find nothing. i looked back to the alter and once more the light was there. it moved forward toward me a third time. i had no choice but to accept that somehow God was responding to my prayer of not only a few minutes prior, but also the prayers of the past four months. it was then that i remembered something very important. the light was always there beside each of us, protecting us even when could not see it or believe it. i remembered that , then i remembered something else...i remembered to open my own arms to welcome the light i saw in the darkest part of my life. when i did that, the light came towrds me and embraced me. don't get me wrong. i am not saying that i saw visions of angels or anything like that. nor am i saying one has to get right with God. what i am saying is this, i was going to take my life because i no longer had one to live...but in some inexplicable way God reminded that so long as we keep looking with a true heart and are willing to embrace the light and hope we find there is always a reason to carry on. i was not cured of the pain i was still going through, i was cured of the hopelessness...that i was alone. midnight, so long as our heart is willing to look for the light of hope we are never alone.

 

[James_dup1]

Midnight,
Dont have any words of wisdom for you just wanted to let you know your not lost anymore. You have everyone of us to help you find your way. I hope that helps a little. ((((((hugs)))))
James

 

[Ivanhoe]

Geez, midnight, you sure can speak to your pain. Some of us are afraid to even say it, and you write about it so eloquently.

How's that for a paradox, a conundrum.........speaking so eloquenly about our pain?

That really is part of the battle, as far as I'm concerned.
My doc told me that I had two responsibilities in coming to see him. The first one was that I should tell him what's on my mind. The second one was, that I should pay my bill.

Sounds easy enough, doesn't it?
You wouldn't believe how many sessions that I just sat there and said nothing.

I think that he thought that I had been "pushed around," enough and left me alone until I was ready.

My point, and I apologize for taking so long to make it, is this: you certainly sound as though you're ready to talk about all of this with someone.

Do you have a good therapist with whom to discuss this pain?
And if you do, I hope that you're able to speak to it as you do here.

Don't hesitate to bring your hurt and suffering here but please let that important therapist know how you feel, too.

I'm still working on some residual stuff and wish you well as your brothers here, have. Let's both hope that we can talk about our painful pasts with the people who can help us the most.

Wishing you peace and courage as you continue the struggle.........know that you do have fellow strugglers who wish you strength in the fight for freedom.

Brother David

 

[Leosha]

I want you to know that I can feel so much of the pain you feel also. It was so difficult, to read those words, and see your pain and hurt and confusion. I could not even read the whole thing.I just hope that you know that you are not lost, you are not alone. You are a member of this wonderful group now, and there will always be someone here who can understand and relate. Please know that, and allow yourself to feel the caring and concern here. I wish you well.

leosha