feeling guilty

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feeling guilty

I've been unsure about myself, I know something happened, and it took a long time to call it abuse. But that's what it was, he was my uncle. Only 8 years difference, and it started when I was about 8, and lasted on and off till I was 13.

I remember lots of great times with him, and that's why I feel guilty. I enjoyed the times, with him. Where the abuse hit was when he rejected me. We hadnt seen each other for about a year, and when I suggested we do what we'd always done, my hero had said. Only faggots do that.

I've been noticing that I've been really angry lately. I don't know if I owe it to this, or what. But, I am hoping if I talk about these experiences, maybe I will learn something and I can get on with my f-ing life.

thank you
joe
 
Welcome, Joe
Glad you found this place - sorry for the happened that caused you seek it out - but I think you will find that this is a good place for exchange - finding out that you are not alone - and for healing. We are all survivors here and there is always several that know exactly what you may be talking about.
I have worked with abused kids for some time and have noticed that some struggle with the fact that they enjoyed, on some level, the sexual activity of their abuse - many didn't - but for me, the essence of abuse is the control that someone puts on the victim. At an age of 8, being sexually involved with a 16 year old is grounded in control by the older over the younger person. It is very different from the exploration children have with their peers. The 16 year old is well into his adolescense and his sexual interests and needs are very different from an 8 year old. It is abusive whether you liked it or not. And it was bound to change a child's steady growth and healthy development.
What he did at the end of it was cruel and must be a lasting scar. You have a right to be angry over his cruelty as well as his control over you. He was doing it for his own needs, not yours.
I applaud your courage for wanting to deal with this and move on...I hope that we can in some way be a part of that process - AND WELCOME ...thad
 
Joe,

It took a lot of courage to seek out support around your own sexual abuse. As Thad has said, you will find wonderful encouragement from others who have walked a similar path. I'm sure you'll be able to draw some strength from the contributions that are posted here. Glad to have you aboard, amigo!

Dynamite Don
 
JOE...........i'm sitting here crying at your post......you see, my uncle sexually abused me also.....it began at 2, lasted until i was 5.....then had several recurrences throughout the years culminating with my rape and sodomization at 14.......but i too remember the attention i felt from him.....the love he gave me.......i had actually forgotten how much i adored him and how much i loved and idolized him.....those memories along with the memories of the abuse have consumed my life for the past few months......the flashbacks/dreams.......the feelings of hopelessness, the emptiness.......i've let his abuse ruin my whole life......after the rape when i was 14, i began sleepwalking and a couple of months later i attempted suicide for the first time.......i've tried many times since.......finally ended up in the psych ward in january and began dealing with what is causing me to despise myself so much.....it is the guilt and shame over what happened.......i loved my uncle so much.....the really bad dreams and flashbacks began 8 years ago when i saw him the last time at my grandmother's funeral.....i just thought i was having really sick fantasies.....to my horror, i've begun realizing that the fantasies were reality......a reality i've run from and avoided my entire life.....i can't run anymore.....running does not work......if i keep running, i will kill myself......i know that would be easier and less painful, but it just seems wrong to me.....just like sex seems wrong to me......i've never had sex with anybody since the abuse, i'm afraid i'd freak out and really hurt somebody......i just cannot allow that to happen......i'm so sorry joe that this has happened to you.....i wish i could say something to make the intense hurt go away......unfortunately, those words do not exist.....but be aware that my heart goes out to you......i understand the confusion with love/sex/attention..........i feel it every day, every minute...........try to find a counselor you trust......it is helping me....sometimes it feels like everything inside me is being ripped apart, but my therapist assures me that in the long run, it will make me happier.......i so hope he is correct.....take care of yourself......if you want to contact me, i'm at [email protected]
 
welcome Joe!! you have found friends here who understand. I hope you will find some solace in our comments. this is a safe place to say whatever you need to say. I'm glad you are discovering why you hurt. we have all been traumatized by people who've abused us. we didn't deserve it, even though some of it may have felt good at the time. stay with us. chuck (pondboy)
 
Joe,

Welcome. This is a good place.

I am glad you found us, i think you fit right in, the confusion, the conflicting feelings, the guilt, the anger, the struggling to get things to work and not knowing why its so damn hard all the time, yeah, i think you fit right in.

I am sorry you even need to be here and i hope you get your voice and can make some sense of it all and get your life back.

Welcome. This is a good place.

John
 
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