Feeling guilty

[Caetel]

I can't help feeling guilty about not having been able to sort out my feelings and my relationship with V. Most of all I feel guilty of having surrendered to his no win tricks. I have abandoned him which is just what he expected and what he had worked on.
I keep thinking it could have turned out differently if I had acted differently with him. I keep thinking there is something I should do still to help him.
It's not rational but I keep thinking it is my fault I couldn't help him and meet his needs (especially in the healing area). I would like to take all his pain away but I can't. He hates me now, doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't want to clear up misunderstandings. I don't want to call him because I am afraid of his last two violent outburst of verbal abuse. But I don't want to be afraid of him. I am doing the right thing for myself, healing and working on my studies and all my other projects. I am turning into a workholic but it doesn't stop the pain. I miss him and it's so unfair that our break up was based on so many lies some people made to undermine our relationship. V believed all these lies I never had a chance. The more I tried to explain,to prove I was innocent, the angrier he became. Again every thing was left unexplained, break up included. And yet, I keep feeling guilty and can't get over him.
Sorry about the venting here, I am going back to work now. Thank you for listening.
Caro

 

[Lloydy]

Caro

I keep thinking it could have turned out differently if I had acted differently with him. I keep thinking there is something I should do still to help him.
It's not rational but I keep thinking it is my fault I couldn't help him and meet his needs (especially in the healing area). I would like to take all his pain away but I can't.

Read that last sentence, and believe it.

Dave

 

[dwf]

I have often wondered why those irrational thoughts of blaming myself for the various tragedies of life hold so much power over me.

With some help, I have come to understand that, at least in part, the persistence of these self-blaming, guilty, it's-got-to-be-my-fault ways of understanding reality is because that mode of relating to the world was a very effective coping mechanism for me.

After all, wouldn't it be preferable for me to think that the horrible things that happened (my Dad abandoning me and my family for example0 were somehow my fault, rather than to accept that they were simply events completely out of my control and power?

If the type of things that you were describing were my fault, that would mean that it would be within my power to change them. You know, if I could only try harder, do things differently, change my style or whatever then these horrible things would not happen and perhaps would go away and change.

If I were good enough then maybe my Dad would come back, I'm sure that is what my childs brain told me. Result is an obsessive-compulsive personality that I developed early on.

I'm saying this to you in an attempt to suggest that you want so desperately for the situation with your ex to be different, that it is hard for you to admit, that there is absolutely nothing you can do or could have done differently to make it change.

To admit one's powerlessness over things such as the effects of child sexual abuse is a very scary thing to do. But it is in accepting my personal powerlessness to change other people, that I am finally released to love them as they are.

I hope this helps comfort you some. I feel a little inept at expressing my thoughts so forgive me if they are awkward or difficult to follow.

Take it easy on yourself. The effects of sexual abuse are profound and terribly difficult to erase--even with professional help. It is definitely not a job for us amateurs, though it may be strangely comforting for us to imagine that we could have/should have done better.

Thanks for sharing this today. It has helped me remember.

Regards,

 

[Emerald]

Most of all I feel guilty of having surrendered to his no win tricks. I have abandoned him which is just what he expected and what he had worked on.

Oh yeah, I know this feeling! It's awful when you know that you've proven them right when you react to their efforts to push you away ... and you never wanted to go away. And inside you know that they don't want you to either ... but they were so afraid of being hurt they had to test you ... and you "failed." But what could you do?

You know, there's something wrong here. This is the way it felt to me too. But this absolves them of any responsibility for their actions. He's the "victim" again ... and YOU got hurt.

Actually, I got the feeling in my situation that the victim role was a comfortable place for him. He could just wallow in it, absolve himself of all blame and not have to be responsible for any of it. And somehow I bought into that picture too.

It's not true. People are responsible for their actions and choices. You deserved better than this. Look at his actions and believe that this is who he is...or at least a part of who he is. You didn't abandon him. He abandoned you. You didn't hurt him. He hurt you. You didn't run away from the issues. He did.

The only power you have is to choose to give yourself the love that you'd willingly give him and let him go. Sorry. I REALLY know where you are. The hurt is so deep.

The irony is that it's that love you give that scares him. Take it back and give it to someone who's capable of returning it.

I'd wish for you that you could replace the guilt with anger. But right now it's your own "hope" that's blocking it.

HUGS Emerald

 

[crisispoint]

((((((((((((Caro))))))))))))

Irrational. This is the key word. And it doesn't help, does it, when we KNOW it's irrational.

You know, I know, that you did all you could. We wish we could do more, but we can't. The decision, right or wrong, to believe lies was V's own. Sure, it hurt like Hell, but it WAS his choice. Yours is looking out for you.

I know you love him, but you also have to ask yourself this question, "does loving him mean I have to destroy myself?" In the end, until he can work on his own issues of hostility, pain, and mistrust, it isn't worth destroying yourself to "save" him. He has to make the choice to work on salvaging your relationship, and you can't make him do that, no matter how much you want him to.

Rather, I'd like to see you continue working on yourself. You have pain to deal with too, and you have other people who need you. Caro, I see a precious person in you, one so much capable of love and outreach that you will have a great effect on this world. You also have to turn that great heart and compassion on the person who needs it the most, you.

You see, you've had such a profound impact on people just HERE, that I KNOW of what you're capable. I want you to release yourself from the pain you're feeling and see the greater thing I see, that wonderful person you are.

V, if it's his choice, will heal and perhaps work on returning to your relationship. This is up to him. How YOU live and how YOU heal is up to YOU.

I can't wait to see you happy and fulfilled, the way you're MEANT to be.

Peace and love,

Scot