Feeling Guilty for Not Speaking up Earlier

Feeling Guilty for Not Speaking up Earlier
B

Bill_h_pike

Registrant
Ever since I found out my perp had abused another kid I've been feeling bad about not speaking up earlier. If I had said something back when my abuse happened my perp wouldn't have been able to hurt another kid. I feel so guilty for not speaking up and letting another kid suffer. That kid's suffering is at least in part the fault of my silence. I has the power to protect him and I stayed silent. No kid should have to suffer sexual abuse. Now I have to deal with this guilt for the rest of my life.

I keep going back to those awfull memories. I knew what my perp was doing to me was wrong but I was to scared to say anything at the time. I didn't even resist him. I actually smiled in some of the pictures he took of me. If I had said something the police could have stopped him before he blurred out his face only and put those pictures on the internet. Instead I did the cowardly thing and stayed silent.
:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(
 
Bill,

The guilt you are feeling is the result of things your perp said to you. You are not responsible for what he has done. Silence is our only choice until we have healed to the point of being able to speak. give yourself a break and let your perp deal with the guilt. It is his anyway. Not yours.
 
Bill,

I'd also like to point out that no kid should ever have to suffer the agonizing decision of whether to tell or not. That is cruel to inflict that kind of shame on a kid.

You did nothing wrong, my friend. You were victimized all the way around as were the rest of us. Please don't think you need to carry the perverts guilt too.

***triggers below***

One of the guys that abused me tried to get in my pants, tried to force me to do things I didn't want to do. I fought and struggled. He gave up. I think it was because he was afraid someone would hear me if I screamed. He then took me out a lonely road and threatened to kill me unless I gave him the name of another child he could abuse. Eventually I gave in to his demands. I carried that guilt around with me for a lot of years. I was finally able to let it go when one of the men here pointed out that the perp was trying to place his guilt on me in order to buy my silence.

It's no different with you, Bill. The abuser placed the shame and guilt on you in order to buy your silence. They always figure out a way. It's slightly different for all of us, but the affect is the same. Don't buy into the lie.

You're a kind and compassionate guy. It comes through in your posts, even in this one where you're concerned about the other kid. Go with that part of your nature. It'll take you a long way in life.

Thanks for your presence here. You do a great work here in your own way.

Lots of love,

John
 
Bill, your not alone. If I had told when I was 14 an associate of mine wouldnt have been abused for 3 years, by my father.

I deal with that everyday, it wasnt my fault, just as it isnt your fault.

I cant make that feeling go away, its normal for someone in our position. Just keep on remembering its not your fault. Thats all you can do. Point the blame at the bastard that abused you both.
 
Bill, I lived for many years on a guilt trip which was not my burden.

At least you "spoke out"!
You have saved others from his clutches.
Just think of how many dont speak all their lives or end up doing drugs,or worse!

Give yourself a big pat on the back,

ste
 
i used to feel sort of guilty too, if i didn't do what he wanted, he'd go after my sister. he'd also play games like, "if you do this i won't touch her, etc." he'd give me the option.. "you or her"... make me choose.
i figured out it didn't matter, he was going after her too anyways no matter what i did.
i don't feel guilty about that, he's the one who should feel bad about what he did to her, not me, i was little and it wasn't my responsibility to take care of her.
you shouldn't feel guilty either.
jas
 
you know, you all did the best you could. we all did the best we could. yeah, we made mistakes, but we were kids, and we were messed up ourselves. how accountable are you in that state? i dont think i could have told then. i dont think i had the strength, and i wouldnt have even knew how. it is a shame another boy got hurt, but dont take his sin on yourself. that pedophile hurt the boy, not you, nor your silence. i think part of our abuse is to try and take too much responsiblity. the sin is his, not yours.

lets pretend you did tell, what then? the courts give him probation, put him on the street, and he goes on to abuse anyway. you cannot control other people, and if they do evil, it isnt your fault.
 
lets pretend you did tell 'yes phoster you nailed it ,telling dont mean it will stop the perp ,nothing stops them completly till they are gone from this earth .what if he abused some other kid before you bill ,do you blame that kid for what happened to you ?i know you dont so dont blame yourself.we talk a lot here about how telling is the thing to do but we dont talk about what you let yourself in for if you do tell.i told for two reasons ,first because he had an 8 year old that he was training to take my place ,and second because i was laying in the hospital and three very big policemen came to find out who hurt me ,i was more scared of not telling them the truth ,than i was of my perp or my dad .before it was all over i truely wished i had kept my mouth shut ,and my perp got a plea bargain and went on to abuse again anyway . those other kids dont blame you so dont blame yourself adam
 
My abuse ended because I moved; the other kids who were abused with me stayed with their abusers - who were, by the way, their parents. I didn't say anything for a long time because I was ashamed of what had happened to me; then, after I stopped being ashamed simply for being a victim, I still didn't tell, because I was ashamed that I had abandoned my friends to years of certain abuse and never said a word to end it. At least you have the excuse of never having known there was another victim.

There's all kinds of things we should've or could've done. If I hadn't tried looking for a short cut (and winding up spending 20 minutes extracting myself from some sort of residential maze complex) and just took the route I was familiar with instead, I would've gotten to my job interview on time, and I would be making a very comfortable living right now. If I'd run, jumped, and caught that home run (and I really could've done it, too), our team would've won the championship. And if I hadn't let myself be suckered in by the emotional candy, I never would've been abused in the first place. But I did try to find the short cut, and I did just stand there and let Centerfield run and miss the ball, and I did get suckered in. And you told when you told. No amount of wishful thinking, no post-hoc "rehearsal" of events, no time machine is going to change what happened.

The pervs don't just get into our pants; they get into our heads - and they stay there a hell of a lot longer. Don't let the perpetrator make you an "accessory" after the fact - you are a good person. Always remember that.
 
Bill,

A young man goes through a lot of changes when he is a teenager, including a lot of maturing in social and emotional ways. You are a lot more "at home" in adult society than you were only a few years ago. You are more independent. You are able to formulate and trust ideas of your own; in other words, you are more confident. You are 15 now. Look at the 12 years olds around you? Do you feel you have much in common with them?

What I'm getting at, Bill, is this: Don't hold yourself responsible for things you did or didn't do a few years ago, based on choices you see now, as a 15 yo. You didn't have those choices back then.

I remember when my abuse ended at age 14 I started looking back and tearing myself to bits over my "failures". Why didn't I say no? Why didn't I run? Why did I go with him? Why didn't I tell anyone? Blah blah blah.....

But I was an 11 yo trapped alone in a strange house with a trusted adult who suddenly turned out to be a predator. I did what almost any kid in that situation would have done: I froze, I got scared and confused, and I did what he said. I didn't see any of the choices I could see a few years later. And because I didn't SEE those choices, I didn't HAVE them in the first place.

On the specific point of guilt for not telling and thus exposing other kids to abuse, it's a natural thing that you should feel like this. It shows you are a responsible and caring guy. But the blame for what happened to that other boy belongs 100% to the perp bro. It wasn't your job to save that kid; it was the perp's job to keep his hands off in the first place.

Lots of survivors go through this guilt, Bill, but please, let this one drop. This wasn't your fault. An abused boy is in a state of emotional meltdown, there's simply no way he can find the resources required for this kind of step. Look at how difficult it was for you to come forward at age 15.

The bottom line, bro, is the mantra we see here a ot, but it is so true and we absolutely HAVE to stress this one: It is NEVER the kid's fault; you were not to blame, not for ANYTHING.

Much love,
Larry
 
Bill,

I did not tell. It still is not my fault. My silence was part of the abuse. However, that silence still has repercussions that affect the lives of many many people. Let me tell you what I know about the results of my silence.

When taxi guy finished with me, he started on a very good friend of mine named Wayne. Wayne is now on the FBI most wanted list for his activity as a pedophile. I also know that taxi guy went on to abuse others as well. Oprah Winfrey has Wayne's pic on her web site, I looked at it last night.

So the guilt I delt with about this has been a very large mountain for me. However, it is not my guilt. It belongs to taxi guy. I will not feel guilty for what he did or the long term results of his actions. I can pledge to be "silent no more." I can choose to speak out every time I have an opportunity. I can make a difference now. Leave the guilt behind with the perps it belongs too. Move forward and make today a better day.

Love ya

Darrel
 
I know that there were others before me, I also know that there were others after me! It took me over 30 years to speak up! Just think what damage he could have done in that time!

What I do know is that like yourself, I was the first to speak up! I don't blame those that went before me, because I understand how I was manipulated.

Be proud that you did speak up. You have broken the silence!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
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