Well, I'd say there's a big chunk of un-spoken info there to chew on, so here goes my response, in no particluar order...
First off, in my opinion, the best thing that you can do for yourself is try to reach a point where you're "okay with things not being okay". Kind of an acknowledgement that, yes, things aren't good. That's always a major first step in any form of healing, or moving on.
I definitely relate to feeling like I shouldn't need help. I mean, I look around sometimes, just in life in general, and see all these people who have had things so much worse than me. Why should I be F'd up by it when these people are going on like nothing happened. Well, in all reality, yes, I probably need help less than they do, just because I DO know I need help sometimes. Denial can make things so much worse, and sometimes even create new problems.
Feeling guilty about recieving support is sometimes a natural response: You, even on minimal levels, have to think about and acknowledge whatwever it was that happened to you, and that's not always a very easy or comfortable task. And sometimes we all would rather NOT think about it, but when someone comes along and goes "Hey, I know what you've gone through, let's talk about it and get it off your chest" you, want to or not, will at least touch breifly on the thoughts, regardless of sharing them or not.
I would say you should figure out a comfortable way to tell your wife about it ASAP. I definitely know the fears invovled, as do we all, I'm sure, of "what if so and so doesn't look at me the same once they know." The truth, is that they probably won't. That knowledge will change some of their thought process towards you. Most often, it simply makes them aware that some things might trigger feelings that are hard to deal with, and they try to be aware and respectful of that. My wife used to mess with me by saying "No Daddy" at random times, in a little girl-type voice. That drives me crazy, because I don't like identifying my abuse with her. I rescently explained that to her, and she doesn't do it now, and she understands why I used to be so adamant about her NOT doing it to me. She still loves me, and that hasn't changed. If your wife truely loves you, then she should be supportive and try to help however you're comfortable with her doing so. If she doesn't, well, that's a different problem that would show itself eventually, regardless of anything else, as sad as it is.
There's nothing wrong with you feeling the need and want to be here. By our very nature as humans, we seek out places and others, who we have commonalities with. There is nothing wrong with that. Failing to do so can be a problem though, trust me on that one, I've gone through it. I'm a wee-bit anti-social face to face. On-line I'll tell you my whole life's story without any other reason than you asking. *grin* Resason: You asked
And finally, I'd say if you feel like you're being a "fraud" for having such a "fabulous" life to most people's perceptions, take a look around you at other people. And think "Are they hiding something from the rest of the world? Did they have something horrible happen to them when they were young? Did they see their best-friend die right infront of them?" (all examples, nothing more)
I would tell someone who claims to have no hang-ups about anything in life, thaty they are full of nothing but crap, that they're in denial, and they need professional help, NOW. Why? Because even if we just have a pet-peeve about people stepping on the cracks in the side-walk, we ALL have something(possibly multiple somethings) that we get hung-up on at times. So to that end, maybe you can take some comfort in the idea that no matter how bad things are for you, someone else, somewhere else, has probably got it much worse, and can't even function because of it. I know that's a bit of a morbid vewpoint, but hey, I'm glad I can get up in the morning and go do my job, rather than lay in bed for most of the week, pumped up on pain-killers and anti-depressants like my step-father. Not that I don't have compassion for him, but I'm sure you understand the comparison.
So I guess to sum up everything I've said so far... Don't worry, you're fine. We all have our rough spells, and you'll get past it. Just hang in there, and trust that someone will be able and willing to help you when you need help. There's no weakness in that. And even less in accepting help. I think there's a greater weakness in NOT accepting help, personally.
Okay, I'm done with my schpeal.
