Feeling empty (TRIGGERS!)

Feeling empty (TRIGGERS!)
C

crisispoint

Registrant
I feel like a selfish b*****d recently, coming here needing stuff when I prefer to help other, but I haven't been so strong lately. Today's a case in point.

I got into detail elsewhere, but it was a crap day at work, followed by simply feeling worthless as another piece of the abuse came back. Little Scot tried to protect me from it and he feels so badly now, but truthfully, I don't feel the outrage I thought I should.

Because, if one @$$hole in my childhood taking advantage of me, making me feel first loved, then worthless, and another one seeing something and not bothering to stop it, now there's a third. It seems that my abuser, my "daddy," shared me with another man and that man used me for a sadistic kidnap/rape/beating fantasy that he PAID my abuser for and my abuser took pictures of it to boot.

Now, today, I don't even feel worth it myself to get angry or upset over it. Just like when he raped me in 8th grade to keep me quiet in high school. This animal used our short time together to say so many vile things to me and do so many demeaning things that i know where the utter worthlessness came from.

A lot came from my father, most came from my abuser, and this guy made it worse.

No wonder I didn't scream for help when I was raped in the showers. Who would've helped me? Who would've cared?

Nobody.

I don't even feel like caring for me now.

I feel like the whore they called me.

I was a child and they made me a whore. They made me feel like a whore.

Fucking bastards.

:(

Scot
 
hey scot,

im so sorry that you are feelin so low, i wish there was someting i could do to take away all your pain and hurt, if there was a way i would do it at the drop of a hat, i would do it for any of the guys here.
i owe you all so much and i have notin to give but a kind heart and a shoulder to lean on when your low, dont give up scot we are here to help you now.

may the luck of the irish be blessed upon you all!!!
 
Scot.

I feel like a selfish b*****d recently, coming here needing stuff
Click to expand...
Most of would fit that bill if it were true. But a little selfishness in recovering is absolutely needed. And if no one talked about how they were feeling, I would be back where I was before: Alone.

You are not a whore. And you are worth everything in the world to me. Call me or PM me if you need to.

Peace and love, bro.

Marc
 
Scott,

I am sorry that you are feeling so down. I wish I could take your pain away. These freaks have caused so much pain.

Hang in there,
Jaay
 
It was not your fault (as you have told me before). Doesn't matter what they called you. None of that was true. It was not your responsibility to scream.

That caring and responsible adults did not step in to stop what happened to you before it happened was not right.

You deserved far, far better things than you received.

But you have survived all of it. You are here today to share your story, your frustration, your anger, and your help with so, so many. You've made a big difference in many of our lives.

I've written before about the small thin thread of bright hope that we cling to in the deepest, darkest of our experiences. Our survival is proof of our resiliency.

You have survived in spite of all they did and did not do. Your survival puts the shame right were it belongs--on their shoulders.

Whether you call it Karma, God's will, or plain justice, I believe that in one way or another they have been and are paying for what they did to you.
 
Scot,
You said:
"I feel like a selfish b*****d recently, coming here needing stuff "

I just want you to know you are one of the most giving and caring person I know. Never feel bad for asking for help from us. Thats what we are here for. I mean if you didnt "need stuff" then you wouldnt need to be here. You give so much of you to us all there is nothing wrong with asking for something when you need it. NOTHING. Im sorry your having a such a hard time right now Scot. Keep posting and email/pm those who you trust. Those pond scum who did these things to you are the "selfish b*****d's" NOT YOU. Your a kind, caring man who is learning how to cope with all the crap that was give to him as a chilld. (((hugs for you and little scot)))

James
 
Scot,

Take care of yourself. First and foremost, yourself. That is not selfish, that is prudent.

(((((( Scot ))))))

Take care,
Bill
 
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