Feeling down

[Robert1000]

Dear brothers,

It's been a tough few days for me. I'm having trouble at work, and I'm haunted by feelings of worthlessness. I recently read the story by Junot Diaz in the New Yorker, which has at its basis an experience of child sexual assault that he suffered. It's weird, but I feel like his whole piece is emotionally dishonest. To be honest, I've been reading him for years, and I always thought he had been victimized like that, like me, and I have always recognized in him the same propensity to bullshit that I have. It's a kind of masquerading bullshit that pretends to be truth, that even bares itself seemingly to the bone, but in fact it's an act, a facade to cover up the real truth somewhere beneath it. I hate it about Diaz, I think, because I hate it about myself.

I'm just upset. Angry. Hurt.

I mean, I feel confident that I can recover at work. Basically, I'm being disciplined for a few things that I messed up but which are only a problem because my supervisor is making it a problem, if that makes sense. There are a few late things, but nothing big, nothing that's different than what anyone else has.

Whatever. I don't know. Maybe it's not so bad. But I do find myself wrestling with disassociation, with a dark cloud of misery, with feelings of helplessness and just this notion that I don't fit in this world.

Send thoughts my way, please. I'm struggling. I'm feeling down.

Bob

 

[Ceremony]

Sending good your way, calming and connecting to brothers, who get you, and know when reaching out will help.

 

[Robert1000]

Thank you.

 

[Shyshark]

Hi Robert ...

What you're feeling is part and parcel of what we all share to some degree ...
so rest assured that you are not alone ... and understand that at a basic human level we all understand ...
no matter the manner in which we were abused.
How is really not the point.

What was done to us challenged our humanity and made us feel 'less than' ... not a 'who' but an 'it' ...
little wonder we often feel worthless ... and doomed to never fit ...
a failure at all things.

You know that isn't true.

At this point your only option is to tough it out ... do what you can to ensure this doesn't get worse.
Take care of business ... and while you're doing that spend a little time in introspection.
I'm absolutely certain you will find plenty of good in yourself.
Try to push everything else aside and dwell on that instead.

I'll leave you something that I have clung to ever since I was old enough to understand what it meant.
I'm sure you'll instantly recognize it ...
it bears repeating.
(There was a framed hand embroidered copy of it in the front hall. I couldn't have been more than 5 when Mom explained it)

God grant me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change ...
the courage to change the things I can ...
and the wisdom to know the difference.

((( Robert )))

* 'God' = what ever you believe

 

[woodenshoes]

Bob

You are worthy. Keep busy and with time it to will pass. We all are here for you anytime you feel the need for support.

(((Robert)))

Ws

 

[Dust]

Hi Robert. I think Ceremony and Shyshark are right. I can definitely relate to the feelings you describe. The circumstance of being discilined at work would challenge anyones sense of self-esteem. Your feeling down is normal. I know it's not a good feeling to be disciplined at work. I've been there. Please take it only as a signal to take action in the area neccessary to improve your work, and not as a statement about your self worth. You can and will recover from this. Glad that you are reaching out here for support.

 

[KMCINVA]

Bob

We are all here for you. We understand your troubles and sadness. We all have been there, trapped by the acts that are heinous and should not be accepted or tolerated. Children are not able to cope or understand what has happened to them. It molds their minds in a negative way in how we perceive ourselves.

I am not preaching because I know how difficult it is to escape the clutches of the abuse and abuser. He defined me so I thought. In time, and it was a long time of pain, self doubt, self guilt, self abusing, dissociating--why because he left me not whole. A part of me was lost, my childhood. I struggled and suffered pain, loss, abandonment, and more importantly I lost myself.

I have struggled and worked to overcome. I am in a good place now but I still have moments of self doubt, self abuse and a longing--one I should not have--is a wish the abuse had never occurred.

I have received support from many and Bob know you are in my thoughts during this time. Please vent, share and PM if you wish. I and everyone here supports you. I am sorry you are going through this difficult time--you do not need to do it alone.

Kevin

 

[Greg56]

Bob...Sexual Abuse...it is not an static one off concept. It can almost be called a "living thing" with many tentacles that reach into places we most likely may not be aware of. Our responses, actions, fears, anxieties, ect.. It usually takes form in any kind or type of relationship, in any given situation. We might recognize parts of it...but it is cunning and hides itself from us.

I believe that we all have hated ourselves, despised what we are/were at one time or another....maybe all the time. It is a reasonable response.

We must remember and accept however that we are our own persons. Although talking it out here/therapy will help guide the way. Ultimately it is us who have to make the decision as to whether to accept what we had believed ourselves to be or accept our ourselves for who we really are.

much love
Greg

 

[Robert1000]

Thank you. It's a relief to read through your responses. I'm stepping forward, finding the confidence, and moving ahead.

Thanks again. It means so much to be able to post here and then read your responses.

I'll write again soon.

Bob