Feeling Down

[Mark S]

I feel shit.

Is it the that it is my ex girlfriends birthday on Sunday? Is it that it is the anniverssary, 16 years ago that I was raped for the first time. I really thought things were looking up.

I've always found this time of the year difficult but after two years of therapy should I still be feeling this bad?

Many of you know my story, how I was repeatedly raped/abused by a male nurse during two long stays in hospital once having brain surgery, the other being admitted, paralysed after an accident. Christ, I never asked him to stop not once. I've read post's on another site where a three year old child ask their perp to stop, I was 17 and 19 when I was abused and I never asked him to stop!!!! What the hell was I thinking?

My ex was the first person I had told, I'm missing her sooooo much. I wish she was here to hug me. I just can't stop crying.

 

[andrew-almost52]

Hi Mark, You're clearly feeling a sense of loss, a loss of intimacy and companionship with your ex. Time is a great healer when it comes to failed relationships. Gawd only knows I am an expert in this field. I can remember years ago when I lost my highschool sweetheart of 4 years duration. I would have cheerfully thrown myself over a cliff and onto some rocks. I never thought I would get over it, but in time, I did. And you will too.

I hope you won't continue to compare your reaction to your perpetrator with the reaction of other people. Everyone is different and responds in a different way, not always in a way that makes sense. Being victimized makes no sense. We are not prepared to be victimized. You, particularly, were in a hugely vulnerable position as a hospital patient. You shouldn't have had to object. The responsibility for what happened isn't on your shoulders Mark. Time to move on. Have a good cry and then get out and have some fun! Peace, Andrew

 

[Wuamei]

I've always found this time of the year difficult but after two years of therapy should I still be feeling this bad?

Mark, my friend, it's not a question of whether you "should" be or not. You are. There is no "should." You are who you are, only you went thru exactly what you went thru. No doubt you are doing the best you can do in your circumstances. You are quite a survivor!

I've read post's on another site where a three year old child ask their perp to stop, I was 17 and 19 when I was abused and I never asked him to stop!!!! What the hell was I thinking?

Brother, you were having brain surgery which is definitely very traumatic, and you were paralyzed following a trauma, an accident. If you were able to think at all, much less get any words out, it would be almost unbelievable! And if you did,
what were you going to do to stop him in that condition anyway?

Mark, take it easy on yourself. That jerk has hurt you enuf already, to say the least!

Of course it still feels bad! And thinking about not having the girl who first comforted you after such unspeakable horrors...

Yes, Mark. Cry, grieve, feel the pain--and you will be able to climb out from under it, and live!
You are a survivor, and you will thrive!

Take it easy and take care.

Victor

 

[Mark S]

Andrew And Victor.

Thank you for your kind words. I know what you said to be true but how long do we have to wait to truely put all this crap behind us. I feel such a hypocrite. In recent months I have posted replies that whilst we never forget in time we can learn to live with our abuse, intergate it, take something positive from it and grow.

I don't feel like I'm doing much growing at the moment. Like Dave I'm on a counselling course that will eventually allow me to obtain my goal of helping fellow survivors, but is this goal truely realistic? At the moment I doubt it.

I understand that there should be no should's that we all just are, so why does it still feel so wrong. I was able to talk. I had visitors, If only I had told one of them. Instaed I believd his threats dreaded having my familiy and friends visit in case they found out. I was ahshamed, but what of. I didn't ask to be abused. I now understand that the erections I got were an involuntary reaction, not that I was enjoying it.

It's all just sooooo confusing at the moment and like I said I desperately want a hug from the only person I have felt close enough to see the real vulnerable me.

Mark