Feeling dirty

[tone]

there are these days (more often then not)when i get up and look in the mirror and can only see ugliness and filth. A deep feeling of being unclean both mentally and physically. I go about my business and i know people are looking at me with diguss (or so i perceive). It is a really overwhelming state of mind. I hate that state because it turns me into this malevolent creature inside. I think the worst of people and myself. In this state i want people to suffer like me, i want people around me to fail. All these bottled up emotions come out on the surface and they are so hard to control. Sex becomes an emotion in itself filled with remorse, guilt, shame, violent, with me being the thing that needs to be degraded.
I find myself asking god to help me become a better man in those instances.
I wish for a better future, for me and my family. I rage at the thought of not being able to protect my children from this world. Maybe that is why i don't have them yet.
And then the rage subside and the anxiety diminishes, and i no longer see the ugly person in the mirror, and no longer wish others around me to suffer, and i can smile again.
It is hard to feel that way and do the million things we have to do in life. If only my friends and coworkers could feel that way just for an hour, they would understand better when i don't want to be with them or be at work.

 

[al]

In this state i want people to suffer like me, i want people around me to fail. All these bottled up emotions come out on the surface and they are so hard to control.

Guess i kind of go one step beyond cuz i know i've failed. Everything just shuts down, i shut down usually curl up in a ball somewhere and the only thing that works at all is the tear factory. Maybe its from having been told so much as a kid but i just feel like such a burden, i know i'm dragging everyone down and nobody wants me anymore. it gets so deep i have no idea how i find my way back up. sigh

 

[James_dup1]

No kidding, I'm feeling something like now with the crap I'm going through in my apartments. I just ready do lay down and die. Why bother, the harder I try the worst it gets. I try to leave everyone alone, they keep fucking with me, the more I leave them alone the worst it gets. So why try to be a better person? Why not just lay down and die? Why keep up the fight? It's pointless.

 

[Mike Church]

Tone Al & James.


Why bother? Why indeed! All three of you know the answer to that. Because there are people around you who respect and love you in spite of your feelings of worthlessness. And because there are people that you love in return.

Tone

I find myself asking god to help me become a better man in those instances.
I wish for a better future, for me and my family. I rage at the thought of not being able to protect my children from this world. Maybe that is why i don't have them yet.

See what I mean brother wolf

Al my little brother

Maybe its from having been told so much as a kid but i just feel like such a burden, i know i'm dragging everyone down and nobody wants me anymore. it gets so deep i have no idea how i find my way back up. sigh
Al you know who loves you and who you love. Poor me's again my little brother

Al you know who loves you and who you love. Poor me's again my little brother

James

Why bother, the harder I try the worst it gets. I try to leave everyone alone, they keep fucking with me, the more I leave them alone the worst it gets. So why try to be a better person? Why not just lay down and die? Why keep up the fight? It's pointless.

James my brother wolf why? Because you are a better person and you have the Pack here. We are all in this together. You are no longer alone. We know you are a better person. Your posts indicate that.

Some advice. Be gentle with yourself and just take it a day at a time.

AAAAAAWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEE

 

[Lloydy]

if I said that days like that become less and less, eventually they become hours, which also become less.

Would you believe me ?

Dave

 

[Wuamei]

I find myself asking god to help me become a better man in those instances.
I wish for a better future, for me and my family. I rage at the thought of not being able to protect my children from this world.

Yeah, Tone, that's what I do and that's what keeps me going too. That's why, James, I keep up the fight and try to be a better person even when my paranoid self thinks the whole world is against me and that I really deserve that. That's how, Al, I know I'm not a burden dragging everybody down even when I feel so unwanted & empty.

We will smile again. We will find our way back up. We will be better.

Even when we get up and look in the mirror and don't like what we see, and we go out and look at the world and everything just seems to reflect and magnify that.

Not easy for me to say as I've really been feeling
that since the accident & especially it seems today.

We are worthwhile in & of ourselves. There is a point to our lives. You and I can & do make a difference for good in this world.

Victor

 

[ScottyTodd]

Guys - Boy do I hear you loud and clear. I remember the times I used to rant and rave, cursing at God for everything that happened, putting myself down, yelling about the hopelessness...even throwing things (I used to have a really mean temper!! ). I say remember because as I moved on in my healing and more of the wounds got cleaned out, I've experienced and seen in others that those yelling, depressive, explosive, hopeless periods get less and less (as Dave said). The important thing to remember...(and I clung to this)...is to say and mean, "This too shall pass"; Say it, mean it...and hold on! Get crap out!!

Howard

 

[ernie]

Your posts are from the heart. All of us go through it, some of us more often than others. It has to be part of the healing because the rebound is terrific. We learned early in our lives that pleasure made you feel bad, that you were not worthy of it. So therefore as we get older, pleasure still must make us feel bad, we don't deserve it. Well, yes we do, and then some, each day I am grateful for what I have accomplished as much of an uphill battle as it has been. The good is finally starting to over take the bad because, I AM LETTING IT. I deserve it, I earned it. On good days, I try to write down why it was good, what happened, how did I feel, just a few minutes worth, then on a bad day, I have something to reflect on and it is amazing how many time I can say "Oh Yah, that was great, you know, I don't have it so bad after all, I am that good person I want to be, I am deserving of good things.
Take care, stay strong
Bob