feeling dirty/guilty

feeling dirty/guilty
O

onlyakid

I logged on to my computer this morning and MSN was doing a story on the orgin of the bikini. Well one thing led to another and before I knew it I was signing up for a membership to a site. Looking at the confirmation email I got, I just feel guilty that I would go to that page being how incest hurt me and feeling dirty and ashamed that if anyone ever saw the email, I would be humiliated.

Yes, I know that these people are probably just porn stars and not really related but I guess its my subconsious making me feel guilty.

To recap my story for those who don't know, I was molested by my brother at 12, he was 15 1/2 at the time.

Jason
 
many of us have acted out. it isnt always pretty, but it is one of many symptoms to hit survivors. it took a lot of guts to come here and confess. pat yourself on the back.

it's in the past now. try harder from here on, and let it go.

jeff
 
Jason, I am saddened to hear that you were molested by your older brother. Incest has an additional harm to it's victims. SA messes us up to a greater or lesser degree. The good news is that we can recover to the point that we are not emotionally tortured and can live a fairly normal life. It just takes time.

Ken Singer, one of the Admins here and a therapist for many years, has a paper that I can't find just now. But in that paper he suggests that before we act out--such as going to a porn site etc that we write for 30 minutes in our journal about what we are feeling that makes us want to do this. Usually, after 30 minutes of writting, most of us do not go to the porn or act out in some other way either. You may want to try that.

Don't expect perfection from yourself. If you err then just work harder at avoiding it the next time. Self-condemnation has not been proven to be helpful as far as I know. It certainly has not helped me, it just makes me want to err again to see if that might make it all okay. Which of course, it never does.

Peace to you.

Bob
 
Hey man, no need to feel guilty or dirty; you're just acting out your sexual abuse, and shaming yourself will just lead to more acting out.

I would suggest, however, that you refrain from acting out in ways that recreate your abuse scene, because that increases the trauma bond between you and your perpetrator. This is something I learned in therapy. What I found was that, when I did not fantasize about being abused, despite feeling aroused, I would come to feelings of hurt and sometimes terror which were the deeper feelings that acting out was covering up.

Hope this helps,
Jeff
 
Jason
this might be a contraversial view, but I think it's worth a thought.

Why did MSN put those images out there for all to see, why is there so much legal porn out there as well ?
It's something most societies have used since cave dwellers scratched pictures on cave walls with stones. Erotic images turn us on, and models in bikini's do just that. Millions of men look at them every day, and not because they have been abused, they just like the images.

Our problem is guilt by association, we associate our need to look with the abuse we suffered. Which might be exactly the right reason we go looking.
I know that I go looking for one particular kind of image, and that can make me feel very guilty. But regular and legal pictures don't make me feel that way any more. ( I don't go looking for illegal ones )But slowly I'm loosing the guilt over looking for my 'gay BJ pic's' . And surprisingly the urge to go looking has eased off dramatically.

We live in a world of guilt, we feel guilty and ashamed about "what we did". And that's all wrong, we did nothing to feel guilty and ashamed about, that's what the perp's should feel.

I don't think it's the pictures that you should worry about, work on the guilt that you feel instead. The pictures are are a symptom, the guilt is the disease.

Dave
 
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