Feeling Conflicted and Sad

[Bill_h_pike]

Sometimes I just want to cry alone. But whenever I do people come and try to help me. I treat them like they are harrasing me and they eventually walk away feeling hurt themselves. Other times I want people to comfort me but no one is there.

Sometimes I just want to cry but I don't because my parents would see me. I see that look of grave concern on their face when they see me crying. I feel so guilty pushing them away because I know how concerned they must feel watching their only child fall apart in tears.

I kept this pain to myself for four years and I feel so bad letting it spread to other people. The night I told my parents it was like I pulled out the dagger that was in my heart for four years and stuck it through their hearts. I could see they were hurting for me. I hate to see them sharing in my pain.

My parents constantly apologise for not picking up on the signs I was being abused. I forgive them easily since I went out of my way to hide my shameful secret. But I haven't told them I was deliberately trying to hide it. I don't want to cause them more pain.

They said they understood everything but they don't. It's not like the words "I understand" are a magic wand that allow someone to suck out a person's emotions and examine them.

 

[reality2k4]

Bill,

nobody could share the hurt of an abused boy, but your parents at least tried.
Parents constantly want to know your hurt, but silence stops you telling how hurt you really are.

That is how I felt, my parents knew, and my father tried his hardest to get through to his little boy, but I could never explain this hurt to my dad.

The hardest thing I can think of, is carrying this type of hurt with nobody to talk to, who could ever understand.

I can only understand my own hurt at the time, so I guess it may be close to where you are feeling.
My advice would be to accept hugs off your parents, it is a mistake I made.

I promised dad, that I would tell him at 14yo, so he takes me on his bike to the sea, and a bee stung me so bad, guess it was the only chance, but somehow I missed it.

I was on the same beach picking blackberries the day before, and my dad whispered that we come back tomorrow and talk about things.

Guess the bee saved me,

Guess not,

ste

 

[time2heal]

Bill,

I like to think of crying as cleansing for the soul. I am in my thirties and I do cry alone. The pain needs away out and each tear takes a little away making me stronger. As I read and feel the hurt that each person has here I can release a little more and a little more. I learn more every visit and desire to be free of it. One day I will get there and one day you will too. I believe that is what we are all looking for.

 

[jesse7]

I am ashamed of crying and I hate myself for it. I can still see my father shaking his head in disapproval. "Men don't cry," he tells me. "If you don't stop crying right now, I'll give you something more to cry about." This is what my father would often tell me right before he proceeded to whip me with his belt. I hated myself because I couldn't help it. But over the years I finally learned to take his whipping "like a man." I kept it in all these years. I was proud to take the pain without shedding tears. Even today at funerals I don't cry. I only feel numbness all over.

Originally posted by Bill_h_pike:

I kept this pain to myself for four years and I feel so bad letting it spread to other people.

According to a book I read, when someone sees another person crying it touches their own unresolved pain. That's why parents who have suffered through abuse greatly discourage their children from crying. It touches their pain like these posts touch mine.

Jesse

 

[Elad 12]

I never was able to cry. My parents still say, "You were the best boy cause you never cried.". Like Jesse said, I just would feel numb all over. I still do but sometimes but sometimes I really feel like crying I think, but can't most of the time although I have a few times, about 3 in the last few years that I can think of. It does feel good though it scares the hell out of me because I'm afraid it won't ever stop. I say if you can cry let it out. It's better then holding it in.

Dale

 

[JAAY]

My dad would tell me "I will give you something to cry about" and "I will make a man out of you". He also would beat me, verbally put me down and was the bastard who sexually abused me. When I look back on it I know that it is amazing that I managed to go to school and get a job.

People who abuse children do not have a clue about how to love and support them. They must be unhappy or insecure with themselves but need to control others. I do cry but this only within the last year. I have also found that the more I admit and mourn my abuse the less I need to cry.