feeling broken.. and cant sleep

[KK07]

I cant sleep. like at all. my body is exhausted but my brain just wont shut up. every time I close my eyes my mind races or I replay things or I get this sick feeling in my chest. sometimes its memories and sometimes its just fear with no picture attached to it. I lay there staring at the ceiling thinking about everything I hate about myself and everything that feels broken. nights are the worst. daytime I can fake it better.

a lot of the abuse wasnt just one thing or one time. it started when I was really young. like a small idk when and it went on for years, up until I was 12. when mom finally left him. I think thats part of why it feels so deep in me. like it shaped me before I even knew who I was supposed to be. sometimes I dont even know which parts of me are me and which parts are just like dammage.

the abuse changed how I see myself. I feel dirty a lot. or weak. or like something is wrong with me as a guy for letting it happen or not stopping it. I know logically thats not true but my brain doesnt care. it just keeps saying it anyway. Idont trust my own thoughts. sometimes I dont even feel real, like Im just watching myself exist.

I feel terrible all the time. anxious. numb. angry. sad. d even umb. sometimes all at once. my mind never slows down and it’s exausting. I just want one quiet night. one night where my body doesnt feel like it’s in danger anymore.

my dad has been trying to contact me .. I keep avoiding it. I tried to block I cant . I dont even fully know why, I just feel sick when I see his name. part of me feels guilty and part of me just cant do it. I dont have the energy to explain myself or pretend Im okay or open things I dont know how to close again.

my mom acts like Im dumb. like I cant figure things out or learn. .like I cant handle life or make decisions or take care of myself .in a way that makes me feel weak and stupid and small. like no matter what I do it wont ever be enough
stepdad is nice to me and i think likes me but to treats me like Im not capable of doing anything on my own.

it messes with my head because part of me already feels behind and broken.. I have this habit of wondering off for hours by myself and nobody knowing where I am.. in my head I guess I dont know were i am to. like my stepdad made me put life360 on my phone so they can find me lol.. I dont answer my phone when i do this and they not like it.. like i said they act like im a kid.

i dont really know how to ask for help and honestly I hate that Im even writing this. but I am so tired of carrying this alone. if anyone reads this and gets it… I guess that matters. I just needed to say it somewhere.

 

[GaD3!]

Obviously I just read your post. I can understand what you have shared. The abuse causes deep wounds and those wounds cannot heal without help. My abuse also started very early in my life so I never knew "normal", as I said I understand what you have shared. It is good that you have shared here, it helps, and we are here for you, but you truly need to get in person help. I know you are 18, so still on your parents health insurance, many insurances cover mental health issues. No I am not saying you are mentally ill, by mental health issues I mean therapy. Most insurances will cover therapy. In the case for survivors we need to work with a therapist who is trained in dealing with sexual abuse and trauma issues, a regular therapist rarely has the skill level necessary to truly help a survivor. You need to get some help to deal with all of this. Continue to post and vent as I said we are here for you and we care. If I can help at all feel free to send me a dm, but please try to look into getting into therapy. I truly wish you peace and healing. There is hope in all of this, cling to the hope. Take care.

 

[KK07]

Obviously I just read your post. I can understand what you have shared. The abuse causes deep wounds and those wounds cannot heal without help. My abuse also started very early in my life so I never knew "normal", as I said I understand what you have shared. It is good that you have shared here, it helps, and we are here for you, but you truly need to get in person help. I know you are 18, so still on your parents health insurance, many insurances cover mental health issues. No I am not saying you are mentally ill, by mental health issues I mean therapy. Most insurances will cover therapy. In the case for survivors we need to work with a therapist who is trained in dealing with sexual abuse and trauma issues, a regular therapist rarely has the skill level necessary to truly help a survivor. You need to get some help to deal with all of this. Continue to post and vent as I said we are here for you and we care. If I can help at all feel free to send me a dm, but please try to look into getting into therapy. I truly wish you peace and healing. There is hope in all of this, cling to the hope. Take care.

Thank you, Im actually not on their insurance but I am working on trying to get some kind of insurance though.. I was not aware I can be on it maybe I will talk to my stepdad about the insurance thing. I just really needed to vent

 

[GaD3!]

Keep venting, it helps. Take care.

 

[LittleSteve]

Yes you can be on your parents insurance up to age 26.

Children can typically stay on their parents' health insurance plans until they turn 26, regardless of their living situation or financial independence. This coverage is mandated by the Affordable Care Act, which helps ensure young adults have access to health insurance.

 

[cjchopes]

I cant sleep. like at all. my body is exhausted but my brain just wont shut up. every time I close my eyes my mind races or I replay things or I get this sick feeling in my chest. sometimes its memories and sometimes its just fear with no picture attached to it. I lay there staring at the ceiling thinking about everything I hate about myself and everything that feels broken. nights are the worst. daytime I can fake it better.

a lot of the abuse wasnt just one thing or one time. it started when I was really young. like a small idk when and it went on for years, up until I was 12. when mom finally left him. I think thats part of why it feels so deep in me. like it shaped me before I even knew who I was supposed to be. sometimes I dont even know which parts of me are me and which parts are just like dammage.

the abuse changed how I see myself. I feel dirty a lot. or weak. or like something is wrong with me as a guy for letting it happen or not stopping it. I know logically thats not true but my brain doesnt care. it just keeps saying it anyway. Idont trust my own thoughts. sometimes I dont even feel real, like Im just watching myself exist.

I feel terrible all the time. anxious. numb. angry. sad. d even umb. sometimes all at once. my mind never slows down and it’s exausting. I just want one quiet night. one night where my body doesnt feel like it’s in danger anymore.

my dad has been trying to contact me .. I keep avoiding it. I tried to block I cant . I dont even fully know why, I just feel sick when I see his name. part of me feels guilty and part of me just cant do it. I dont have the energy to explain myself or pretend Im okay or open things I dont know how to close again.

my mom acts like Im dumb. like I cant figure things out or learn. .like I cant handle life or make decisions or take care of myself .in a way that makes me feel weak and stupid and small. like no matter what I do it wont ever be enough
stepdad is nice to me and i think likes me but to treats me like Im not capable of doing anything on my own.

it messes with my head because part of me already feels behind and broken.. I have this habit of wondering off for hours by myself and nobody knowing where I am.. in my head I guess I dont know were i am to. like my stepdad made me put life360 on my phone so they can find me lol.. I dont answer my phone when i do this and they not like it.. like i said they act like im a kid.

i dont really know how to ask for help and honestly I hate that Im even writing this. but I am so tired of carrying this alone. if anyone reads this and gets it… I guess that matters. I just needed to say it somewhere.

I read every word of this, and I want you to know it landed. Nights are brutal for so many of us. That exhausted‑but‑wired state, the replaying, the fear with no picture, the sick feeling in the chest—I know that place. Daytime can feel like acting; nighttime takes the mask off whether you want it to or not.
What you said about the abuse starting so young and lasting for years matters. When harm happens before you even get a chance to know who you are, it can feel like it seeps into everything—identity, safety, self‑trust. I’ve spent years wondering which parts of me were “me” and which parts were damage. That confusion doesn’t mean you’re broken; it means you adapted to survive.
The shame you describe—the feeling dirty, weak, “what’s wrong with me as a guy”—that voice is loud and cruel, and it lies. Knowing that logically doesn’t make it shut up. I still struggle with that too. And the dissociation, the not‑feeling‑real, the watching yourself exist… that’s a nervous system that learned it wasn’t safe to be fully present. It makes sense, even though it’s exhausting.
Avoiding contact with your dad doesn’t make you bad or guilty. Your body is protecting you. You don’t owe anyone access to you, explanations, or emotional labor you don’t have the energy for. Same with being treated like you’re incapable—when you already feel behind and damaged, that kind of “care” can cut deep. You’re not wrong for feeling angry or small about it.
I want you to know you’re not weak for writing this. You’re tired. And you shouldn’t have had to carry this alone in the first place. I’ve found that even naming it—putting it somewhere outside my own head—can make the weight shift just a little. Not disappear, but become survivable.
I get it. Truly. And I’m really glad you said it here. You’re not alone in this, even on the nights when it feels endless. I hope you get a quiet night someday soon—and until then, I’m here, and I hear you.

 

[Trev]

Hey KK hoping your able to find rest this evening.

 

[Curiouspaints]

This helps calm me down

 

[raffa_will_fight]

06:54 am
mind racing and empty at the same time
I feel something beat but could be anything