feeling betrayal

[don64]

As I sign in this evening, I feel like I am going to be hurt being here and there is danger here. There is no actual truth to my feelings. I know that. But it doesn't change the feelings and accompanying hormones coursing through my body. It just makes me want to cry. I can cry a little, but not as much as is there.

I have been feeling betrayal a lot lately. I have intellectually known a little about betrayal, but have never been able to feel the betrayal by my parents--never felt personally connected to those sick people who were supposed to protect me betraying me. It feels like I am submerged in poison.

Along with a very personal, emotional connection to being betrayed by those unconscious monsters is a feeling of surprise--surprise at being able to feel at all. I so successfully shut down my ability to feel, that there is actual surprise at feeling the depths of the betrayal I feel.

It feels kind of like a limb that has gone to sleep finally feeling the blood flow returning.

Thanks for being here for me to share these things with. Being able to feel anyone being there for me is very new.

Don

 

[tbkkfile]

Hi Don

I understand how you feel and offer my support, you're not alone.

I guess that feeling betrayed is a natural emotion to the abuse that we were subjected too, we were after all children who should have been protected.

It seems that you've reached another stage in your healing in that you're able to feel these emotions, maybe your body is telling you something here. I find that as I reach a new phase in my healing and I unpack something new that for the short term it feels like I haven't made progress, it hurts I know, think of it as another step to climb each time we take it it's a struggle but slowly we are climbing those stairs to a better place.

Sending you love and support

David

 

[finallyhere]

Knowing your fear was unfounded was very good although I understand what we think and what we feel as so opposite at times. I too would like to assure you of my support and comfort knowing we are all here for you. We've got your back. New feelings can be good as is the 'new' feeling you expressed that someone is now 'there for you'. Take care.

 

[Nothing Man]

Of course you are safe here, and I send you what you so routinely send us: Love and support.

 

[don64]

Hi David, finallyhere and Nothing Man,

It's new and scary for me to ask directly for support the way I did in my post. Actually, after I finished my post I did cry deeply for a short while, just feeling the possibility of asking for support, and that it might be ok and safe. It feels good to read your words, and I feel a little fragile right now. I also know I am in new and much healthier territory. Thanks for being here with me and for me.

Don

 

[JW1230]

Don,
You are here for so many people and have helped me out tremendously in my short time here so far. I just want to thank you for that and want you to know that I too send love your way. We are ALL here for you!

John

 

[don64]

Thanks John. As I settle in a little to being open to receiving help, I'm touching a deeper place in myself that just cries "Don't hurt me, please don't hurt me." I know it's from my parents. And, this time around I'm feeling it, crying, and aware that it is no longer true. There may be a lot of feeling of this to release, but it is releasing.

Don

 

[traveler]

Don -

remember how far you have come since you first came here! i am amazed at the growth i have observed. and this is another giant step.

i also have a very hard time asking for help or any kind of favor. for me, and i wonder if it might be the same for you, it it the fear of being turned down or rejected. there is also the danger of appearing needy or weak or vulnerable. that might leave me open to ridicule or contempt.

the good thing about MS is that all of those things are not likely to happen here. sounds like you realize that intellectually, but our emotions don't always coordinate or cooperate or communicate with our minds.

anyway, congratulations on this new sign of strength and health.
Lee

 

[don64]

Hi Lee,

Thanks for the encouragement. I was so battered in infancy and early childhood, I expected rejection, and just learned the only survival lay in not feeling and not being seen, and not needing. It is such a wondrous thing to find the independent observer place in me and observe me changing. In the past 24 hours I have observed me in two situations with the outside world able to walk through difficult situations and change the outcome. Both times I was confronted with what was only recently very challenging situations. Previously I would have precipitated a negative outcome by being negative and aggressive, out of fear. Fear that I was helpless and unable to effect an outcome. This time, though I was panicked inside and my heart was racing, I was able to see myself inside the situation, and continuously sent love into my panicking interior. One situation worked itself out well yesterday, and the other today. It took a lot of effort from me in both situations, because my old mental attitude was still there and I expected to be helpless.

This is very rich stuff for me, though very challenging to go through. This, I think, is that elasticity quality of the brain where it is able to rewrite itself. My old learning doesn't believe it yet, but this is the first time I've been able to do this with other people in a real situation.

When you share your own experience with me, Lee, it helps me focus much more precisely on exactly what mine is all about.

Thanks,

Don

 

[tbkkfile]

Hi Don

I just wanted to say that reading your posts over the last year I see a bud that's beginning to flower, you've come so far my friend and I am so pleased for you.

Wishing you love and support

David

 

[don64]

Thanks for the encouragement, David. Don

 

[kcinohio]

Don,

Hope this feeling is a way of passing through to the other side for you. Sometimes during this process when I have feelings and wonder "why now," it may be uncomfortable during them, but I do have a sense of moving past something holding me back (although it isn't always an "over and done with" kind of thing, but definitely a milestone in recovery.

Again, afterwards, those are the time where I get to a more healthy level of living. What you described just reminded me of those experiences.

Hope you are feeling in a better place today.

 

[don64]

Hi kc,

I'm feeling ok. And, I'm definitely moving through this and I know the other side of this is definitely a better place. It's just that it is very strenuous for me to do this work. Much of the time I feel as if I am stuck in the birth canal and won't ever make it out. If I weren't in the middle of the beginning of being able to do this, I would have some perspective. Right now all I can do is whine. Thanks for your encouragement and sharing your experience with me. It does make it easier for me to have all this company.

Don