Feeling Bad Today So I Did the Unthinkable

[KMCINVA]

I have been down all day and not sure why I did what I did. I went to a Catholic Church near work. I had been there in the past for a funeral. It is staffed by order priests and not the Diocese. I thought I would see if I ventured back into Church would relieve my feelings. I thought the Mass was at noon but it was not until 12:10. I stood at the back of the Chapel (it was not in the main church) and I guess I was fidgeting and maybe he thought I was some type of person stalking the place. I have to admit I was anxious and went in and out the doors. The priest must have seen and he came back and asked if I was well. I said I am not sure why I am here or if I would stay. He said what bothers you. I said I am Catholic--and have been away from the Church for some time. He said we have many others like you. He asked why I had been away. I said I only come to Church with a wonderful friend when she is in town. He said you are welcome here any time. He asked why did I need to have someone with me. I choked and said something happened to me as a child in a church and she makes me feel safe. He looked kindly at me and said whatever happened it was not your fault. He then asked if I would remain behind after the Mass because he wanted to talk with me. I said yes and then stayed in the back as the Mass went on. I kept asking myself why did I say yes, and thought I should bolt before the Mass was over.

I did not leave and after the Mass he came back and we talked. A nice guy, maybe 10 years younger than I. I told him part of my story and what was happening today with the Diocese. He asked if I had family support and I said I have friends who have become family because many in the family turned. He said it happens and for me to keep my heart open to them because they must have problems in their lives that they suffer and have not faced. We talked about the Diocese and said it is sad the abused has to rely on justice from the church that is responsible for my pain. He said he would pray for me and told me to visit anytime. He told me a story of his time in seminary. One of his fellow seminarian's was abused by one of the priests. He said his friend had difficulty forgiving the abuser to this day. I asked did he become a priest? He said yes but has since left. He said the seminarian's family could not believe he was abused and they basically strong armed him into remaining. He only lasted as a priest for 6 years. He said no place is 100% safe. He said to me you were a child and the seminarian was 21 years old and he like you could not comprehend what happened and how it changed you. The priest said with everything we know today to hear people speak there is no damage done to a person abused is frightening.

I thanked him and said sorry I did not go to communion today because I have not been to confession. He said you do not need to confess for whatever you may have done was from the abuse and it is I who ask you for forgiveness from the Church.

Wow I felt better and have been thinking about this conversation all afternoon. Do I despise the church or do I need to have the church back in my life?

 

[Elad1]

(((((Kevin)))))

 

[Zappafan]

Sounds like an amazing and brace thing you've done. Why pressure yourself about a decision on what the church does or does not mean to,you after ONE solo visut!!!!!!! Cut yourself some slack. I've been realizing more and more on my own personal journey how hard I've been on myself?

The priest sounds very compassionate and non-judgemental. It never hurts to have an extra one of those people in your corner. Just go slow and realize the magnitude of your own bravery.

 

[focusedbody]

Kevin:

Often the unthinkable is just that because the taboo on breaking the silence feels so normal.

Thank you for your inspiring story.

FB

 

[i-m-Bri]

Kevin,

That was so brave to step into that building. It seems your courage was wrapped in kindness and understanding. All of which you deserve.

That had to have been a powerful experience. You certainly don't need to decide anything right now. Can you just let it soak in and see where it takes you?
If you start to think you may want the church back in your life, maybe speaking more with that same priest. Even if you don't, he doesn't sound like he will convert you, but he may offer some peace.

 

[George]

Kevin,

That was a major step in healing, I'm glad that your talk with that priest was a good one.

"Do I despise the church or do I need to have the church back in my life?"

I think it's very easy to despise what the people running the churches did & their hiding of it. Those people are not the church though. The church are the congregants, all the people. If you decide that you want to be back in church, it can be good for you, and good for the other parishioners, too. Being someone sensitive to suffering like we all are, you can be the someone who should've been there for you, you can be an added shoulder, eyes and ears for the vulnerable there. That's a powerful way to turn the bad stuff from the past into something good.

 

[KMCINVA]

Elad1,Zappafan,focusbody,BDD and George

Thank you. I do not know if it was bravery or impulse. I have done somethings impulsively during the healing, for example visit and sit outside the abusers home, go to the church where the abuser served, and a few other things. When I did them I was not truly thinking. My T was surprised and warned do to my dissociation I could have reacted in a way that would have caused harm to the abuser. Sometimes the outcome was good and other times brought me back to a dark place. I guess trial and error at work.

I am searching for a way not to feel depressed, downtrodden or letting the feelings of control by the abuser and tormentor take over.

Yesterday I may have thought I am able to go to church with my friend when she is in town and I feel safe. I know I must learn to feel safe on my own. So I ventured out and did not want a Diocesan church. I knew of this church from a funeral I attended a few years ago. I have to say I have been fortunate to meet several priests from the one who embraced me when my mother passed and showed compassion for what had happened to me, the Bishop of the Diocese extended himself and said it is they who need to ask for forgiveness, a priest from my old university and now this priest. Maybe I need to truly accept and not just say it is not the institution I despise but rather some of the people within the church.

With everything that I have been doing with the Diocese over the abuse in the past months maybe opening me up to see the people, individuals, are responsible and not the whole institution. I have hope it will help to let go of the pain.

The priest yesterday said I needed to keep my heart open to those who have turned on me. I have kept my heart opened. We did talk about that a bit more than I wrote. He said sadly many people are afraid of the abuse and some in my case are running from their truths, their problems and what was done to me. He said for many accepting their childhood was not perfect is rid in guilt of hearing over and over how wonderful the parent was and how they did everything for them and how this other person was not a good mother or father and so on. He said the mind control of a parent is difficult for a child to let go. He said many marriages suffer because of parental and siblings control. We talked in more detail about events. I jokingly asked was he a psychologist, he laughed, He has spent many hours speaking with them as he tries to help his parishioners because he is not an expert of how the mind works and how it influences emotions and behaviors. He did say, it seems everyone who turned on me is an expert in psychology--he said they need to evaluate their depth of understanding. I laughed and said good luck. He smiled.

It was a wonderful talk, I may attend Sunday Mass. Which church not sure because I will be in DC in the morning.

I am on the edge and have decided I need to explore alternatives that may help in healing. I know there is no one solution. Speaking with him set my mind in a different direction, a positive one. I think I needed it after reliving the abuse and torment in words and images, reading the medical reports and knowing who triggered events, reading writings I supposedly did in dissociation made me wonder why and how this priest destroyed my mind to run to the ways of the abuse. At the same time I thought of all who have supported me, my friend her smile and love, and those who went on searches to find me to make sure I was safe and not harmed. And at the same time I felt sadness for those who left me on the streets in a blizzard without care or concern, probably hoping I would not survive so the world would not know of the spit, the ransacking, the abandonment, the destruction of property, the threats and I thought of the outlandish stories that the ex, children and her family have told of the abuse. No mention of the spit, locking me in a room and so on, much exaggerated and not in proper context. I need to weigh everything and realize the goodness of many outweigh the destruction and repulsive acts of a few.

I am focusing so I can begin to work again. Work has suffered because the mind has been absorbed with the abuse.

Thank you for reaching out and your support.

Kevin

 

[JScott12]

What a brave move Kevin, I have often tried to go near places where the abuse takes place to see what it stirs up.

Your experience at the church seems very profound, Like others are saying you should let that moment settle before you start to consider having the church back into your life, after all, it is YOUR choice.

 

[zookeeper]

Hey Kevin

I'm glad that you felt empowered enough to this because it was what you wanted to do. I feel like that you have taken a step to reclaim some of the things that were stolen from you. Bravo my friend!
Zoo

 

[Nothing Man]

Hi Kevin,

What a brave and powerful thing you did by both going to the Mass and talking with the priest afterwards. It sounds like you found a great priest, someone who is kind and understanding and who knows that all that has happened to you as a result of the abuse you suffered was not your fault. And that is the important message to take out of your encounter. You did not deserve what was done to you. You deserve justice and peace. Only you will know whether peace includes the Church or not. But I am confident that whatever decision you make will be the correct one.

 

[manipulated]

((((((HUGS Kevin))))) You again are such an example of forging ahead when we don't see how. Powerful act. Powerful example. Time will tell.

 

[KMCINVA]

I took everyone's advice and am going slowly. In the past my impulsiveness most likely pushed me back. I am learning slow and steady may be the way instead of fast and wobbly. I did not go to Church even though friends went, I staid behind.

Thank you for the guidance.

Kevin

 

[Ceremony]

Good. You can use fewer triggers in your life. It seems the Diocese will be a part of those for some time. Therapy about your past and current needs. Seems like a full plate?

 

[KMCINVA]

Triggers yes fewer the better. I lived in a house with triggers that were shot faster than an M134. They laugh and say they are not real. Well the Diocese has been a better place than they--and yes less triggers if you discount my need to recount the elements of the abuse. I am feeling better and only now realizing after talking with the priest their "depth of understanding" of CSA is quite shallow and maybe they are truly shallow people without substance. I learning those that trigger derive their substance from mocking, humiliating and denigrating others.

Thank you guys I am trying to keep it together. Well I keep saying the abuser is 83 but that was his age when I first had my meeting with the Diocese. It is 4 years later and he is 87 so time is running out.

Kevin