Feeling bad for my perp

Feeling bad for my perp
I see it this way. Newborn babies are not pedophiles or murderers or robbers. They are born innocent. Something happens along the way to some of them and it makes them do evil things. I personally don't believe in the "nature" theory; that people are born evil; I honestly think that criminals are a product of their environment.

Therefore, all people, even perps, are born innocent, and, despite what they may become later, I can't forget that for at least one time in their lives, the perps were as innocent as I was when I was born.

The real crime is not so much what the individual perps are doing. It is the horrific cycle of abuse that keeps turning innocent, happy babies into criminals and abusers. Somehow we must stop this cycle. And I don't think the answer to stopping it is hate and anger. Like the movie says, anger leads to the Dark Side. Anger and abuse are what turned the perps into what they are, and I fear that it would turn me into something I wouldn't like if I allowed anger and hate to rule me.

So when I say I feel sorry for my perp, yes, I am assuming his tears are real. I fully understand that they may not be real and that he might be faking it. However, if they real tears; coming from that hidden shred of an innocent child left within my perp, what do I become if I ignore those tears and continue to hate him? Do we not owe it to ourselves and humanity to reach out to that innocent child, and in failing to do so, do we also fail humanity?

And just as a disclaimer, this does not mean in any way that I condone my perp's crimes. I just feel that instead of harsh punishments, maybe justice might be better served if we tried to reach through and allow the perps the opportunity to rehabilitate themselves, and in so doing, end the cycle of abuse. If the perps are unable to rehabilitate, that I completely support measures such as removing them from public life, as they would pose too much of a threat to children if allowed to be at large.
 
Rehabilitate?! They will always pose a threat. Harsh punishments? They get fed and clothed, receive medical care, watch TV etc.. You and I pay that for them to do that. That is little satisfaction. Is life in prison difficult for them, yes! That is least of my concerns. Are some raped in prison and beaten, yes. Most should enjoy the return of affection, to bad if they don't. In California they are segregated from the regular prison population and enjoy playing basketball together in a safe environment. I did not get that safe environment, did you? To worry about the hashness of punishments they receive is ridiculous. As many times as I was raped and prostituted through the years I did not go out and continue the pattern of abuse. I turned it on myself.

What is so damn special about the word "Perp"? Does it sound kinder and gentler? Are we that damn politically correct that we cannot identify them for what they are...Pedophiles and Child Molesters/Rapists. This society has spent enough time turning there heads to the problem, looking away because they do not want to admit that these things happen. In this forum I would never have expected a dumb down for the sake of not wanting to offend or make others feel uncomfortable.
 
You have to compare apples to apples. You cannot take one rare instance and apply it to all. Once you are in your late teens and into adulthood you are accountable period. His offenses at 11 are sad but the conviction shows intent.

My comments are based on the 99% of pedophiles and child molesters and rapists that are out there. You can't take an isolated instance and use that as a discussion point. The majority are never changed. That is fact! To hell with there crocidile tears. They will not find sympathy or empathy at my feet. They are only upset because the got caught. They were not very remorseful when they were doing the deed. Look at the broader picture and stop trying to make silk out of a sow's ear.
 
SS - yes I did speak out, as many of those that have been here for a while know! It ended in court this year!

Jacob - I can understand that the case you refer to may be different to those that most of us have expereinced! I can see that there may be some differences when it is a young person that is the perp, the level of understanding will be different to that of an adult perp.

I really only know the circumstances of my own case, and that is the only one that I can fully comment on! I do however believe that I could never forgive an adult that stole a child's right to a 'normal' childhood.

Breaking the cycle - why did we not repeat the cycle?

In this country, the judiciary and government have experimented for too long by pandering to the criminals. The result is that we are rapidly loosing the tolerant society that we once had. There are more people now, than ever before that believe they can just take anything they want, from anyone they want. They know they will not suffer for doing so! Stuff teh criminals (literally wouldn't be such a bad thing for some of them).

When people go to prison, they should not have better living conditions than the people they have mugged, raped, robbed or even worse! Should they repeat offend, they should only receive the bare necessities in prison, without parole!

Parole Officers in my experience are just a bunch of do gooders that find excuses for criminals - they don't give a damn about the victims of crime! I could go on at length... but you either already have the same opinion as myself, or you don't. I'm not looking for converts!

Best wishes ...Rik

Best wishes,...Rik
 
I agree with Nobby in that our lives need to be about more than just vengeance and retribution. Personally, I feel ambivalence toward the individuals that were my victimizeers. Both of them are dead and gone, and for that I am glad, but somehow I can't find it within myself to fill my heart with hatred of them. I do hate what they did to me, I mourn it even, but I cannot hate. It is poison.

I, too, find myself wondering about the innocent child that Jimmy or taxi guy once were and mourn the fact that they also had to have had their lives devastatingly shattered in order to be able to do the things to me that they did.

Let's do everything we can to break the cycle, guys. If that means abandoning the perps to rot in prison, so be it. If that means educating the public in regards SA, let's do it. If it means confronting the perps wherever they happen to be, let's' do it. And, dare I say it, if that means shedding a few tears with a perp who is genuinely sorry for his actions, let's do it if we are able.

My $0.02 worth.

Lots of love,

John
 
If we take cops and all other authority out of the equation.
What are we left with?

If I take what Jacob said out of this thread.
This foster kid was locked up without being assessed the way he should have been.

So he goes through an offender institute for something he did not have complete control over.
Imagine the scenario, where an abused boy, takes it out on a perp and damages him.

The boy gets locked up, cops ask him why he did it, and they hit a wall of silence.
That is the tell-tale sign that the boy may have been abused by his victim, will the cops realise?
NO!

Look how many young guys in here who were locked up with nobody to listen, and even if they do listen, they do not know the hurt of abuse, only we do.

ste
 
Let me take this thread back to my original post. I am not arguing that it is ok to feel sorry for perps, I just found myself feeling sorry for one, and I was wondering at where these feelings were coming from.

I have to admit I am a bit shocked at some of the responses I have gotten. I did not want this to become yet another "hurt the perps" thread, or a discussion of semantics, but an open discussion of these feelings. Judging by the number of members who have PMed me to say they also have similar feelings, I don't think I am unique in feeling this way towards the perps. So I will again ask the members who are arguing that I am wrong to feel this way the question that they keep avoiding. If your perp was absolutely sincere in his regret, how would you feel about that? You do not need to post your answers, however, I would respectfully ask those who would have a negative answer and would like to post it to please explain why you would feel this way.

I am asking this because nobody has yet given me a convincing argument to hate my perp if he shows true remorse. And my intent at the beginning of this thread was to gain a better understanding of my own feelings, so I am very interested in understanding how others feel.
 
Nobby,

If your perp was absolutely sincere in his regret, how would you feel about that?
Click to expand...
Like so many things, I think this one will get a lot of different answers since we are all different people, have different experiences with abuse, and have to find our own ways to heal.

I personally think it's a good idea to think about this and I'm glad you started the thread.

Your question seems remote to me, since the man who abused me died in 1994. The way I feel is that he means nothing to me; I need all my emotional resources for myself, my family, my friends and my students. But if the perp were still alive I can imagine I would see things very differently.

I think I would find it difficult to be impressed by expressions of remorse, since he also abused my best friend and other boys in the Scout troop, and who knows how many others that I will never know about.

Much love,
Larry
 
*****TRIGGERS*****

I think there is a difference between feeling sorry for a perp and having a sense of compassion.

I have a relative who is in the Federal penitentiary in Victorville, CA for sexually abusing his wife's son who was conceived as the result of an illicit affair she had. He lives every day if fear that the inmates there will find out the reason for his incarceration and kill him.

I don't feel sorry for him in that regard. What he is experiencing is a direct result of his evil actions against an innocent child. I do however have a certain amount of compassion for the little boy in him that is still crying out in pain over the evil that was perpetrated on him by his dysfunctional family.

Does that lessen, or should it lessen his punishment? Not on your life. He made a deliberate choice to fuck that little boy repeatedly and post the pictures of it on the internet. He has it coming, whatever "it" may turn out to be.

OK, now I've shared another $0.02 worth so my allotment is used up.

Lots of love,

John
 
SexSlave wrote:
My comments are based on the 99% of pedophiles and child molesters and rapists that are out there. You can't take an isolated instance and use that as a discussion point. The majority are never changed. That is fact!
Click to expand...
I could ask you where you got that figure but it is inaccurate. Recidivism rates for sexual abusers as a whole are quite low (though I believe that any recidivism is totally wrong and bad for the person who is abused.)

Fact is that the overwhelming majority of abusers who get sex offense-specific treatment do not repeat their offenses. There is ample research on this and you can go to www.csom.org, (sponsored by the Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice.)

Emotional reaction to sexual abuse is understandable. You didn't ask to be abused and the abuse was damaging to you (or else you wouldn't be here). Everyone has his own route to healing. If someone chooses to forgive or at least recognize that not all abusers are pedophiles (a clinical term that does not mean that everyone who abuses a child is a pedophile) or rapists, that is their choice.

Although I am in agreement that developmentally, a child or adolescent who abuses is different from an adult (and should be treated differently), not all adults who abuse are habitual or untreatable.

I have treated and/or evaluated several thousand sexual abusers ranging from 10 to 80 over the years. While most are treatable (and some don't really need treatment) it is only a small percentage who are dangerous and likely to reoffend.

How you choose to feel about abusers is your call. If you want to hold onto anger and contempt that is your business. If you choose to forgive your perpetrator, that is your decision.

Understand that society treats sexual abusers harshly. If you think that is just punishment, that is your opinion. From my perspective of wanting to help keep children and vulnerable adults safe, I know that stigmatizing abusers, forcing them to move, become homeless, lose jobs and stability is counterproductive in promoting safety in the community. (That is another posting).

I just wanted to clarify an opinion that is not based on any recognized research.

Ken
 
do the perps fell any compassion for the innocent child they raped why would i want to feel compassion for them as children i dont know if they were ever innocent ,should i base forgivness on the fact that maybe my perp had a reason for what he did? i guess it sems like those of us here who hate the fucking perps are wrong but it feels right to me .i dont let that hate consume me ,it keeps me warm at night .in my case only no one elses i think forgiving him would be the ultimate act of surrender to him , or maybe some of us are further along in healing that we dont remember the pain the shame the paralizing fear or the dread of knowing what is comming .if i can ever get to that place maybe i'll see it differently ,but for now i must agree that perps are fucking evil ,all perps they never stop they just get better at hiding or they dont leave anyone behind to tell on them.they are masters of manipulation ,no one can deny that ,so why would i belive that someone who has spent their life acting normal has suddenly got reformed ? sorry i dont mean to argue here ,but this subject is very hard for me
 
just wated to add that if anyone thinks these animals cant manipulate the justice system .just look at the number of repeat offenders ,my perp did 7 years as a moldel prisoner ,got therapy got his doc to say he was safe to let out and was back in prison within one year ,those are stats that i know are true . its only one number but its a damn important one to me.ask the 15 year old he got busted with if he feels any compassion for the perp.
 
Adam,

Please don't misunderstand me. In my opinion, anyone that allows evil to infest his life to the point where he is willing, even eager to sexually abuse a child is going to have to understand they are setting themselves up to endure whatever punishment society exacts of them. And I have no sympathy for them in that situation. It is a consequence of their actions. Many times they get off far to easy in my opinion.

I truly hear what you are saying. I guess where I feel different from you is this. take my relative, as an example. I know the kind of S**T he had to put up with as a small child. I can imagine him being so hurt by what was done to him. He was so alone and vulnerable. His mother couldn't stand him and his father couldn't or wouldn't relate. He was subjected to the same degrading SA that we here on the site were, and from a very young age. I have compassion for that little boy.

Where it goes wrong is where he made the decision to continue the cycle of abuse on other innocent children. That, I have no patience for and I've told him so. I've told him that he had choices and repeatedly made the wrong ones. He knows that I have no sympathy for his plight in prison. I've questioned him on the integrity of his sorrow for what he's done, because he continued in his evil path right up to the time he was caught. I've told him that if he had any integrity at all, he'd have turned himself in instead of waiting to get caught. He told me he thought he'd covered his tracks and would never get caught. So be it. He is now in the hands of others and he'll either survive it or he won't. I have no sympathy for him and his plight. period.

Forgiveness? That is not mine to give. It is only for those he abused to give him.

As far as you, or anyone else here who hates perps, being wrong, I don't think so. You have every reason to be resentful and even hateful about what's happened to you. I would not presume to accuse you of being wrong for feeling the way you do.

I would only say that for me I refuse to hate. For me, it is poison to hate. That does not mean I have to be all lovey dovey and kissy kissy toward a perp. I'd rather not waste my time thinking about them. I'd rather spend my time focusing on how I can recover and help others recover from what these creeps have done.

Please know, Adam, that I do not hold you to be less of a person because of the way you feel on this subject any more than I would want you to feel resentful to me for the way I choose to look at it. Each of us has to find a path that works for us and take it. I know you would be more than willing to help me along the path where you are able, and vise-versa.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Lots of love,

John
 
Adam,

sorry i dont mean to argue here ,but this subject is very hard for me
Click to expand...
And that is why you should talk about it. I'm very glad you are doing so and I hope you will continue.

At the same time, Adam, try to keep your options open. You say that your hate for your perp keeps you warm at night. The problem is that this warmth comes at a price. It's down to a matter of how we use our emotional resources. As you heal you will find a lot more positive things to feel warm and fulfilled about. I am quite sure of that.

But in the interim just set your own pace. Others can comment on what you say, but only you can determine what you will do.

Much love,
Larry
 
I find myself shedding a lot of tears every time I read a new post to this thread.

To answer my own challenge, I honestly don't know what I would do if my perp showed sincere regret for his actions. I hope that I would have the courage to accept him as a brother, but he is also my biggest betrayer. I know we are supposed to forgive and love our enemies, but that hurt runs deep. A big part of me would want to beat him into the ground, but I know that that is just the hate and anger, and that beating him up would only add to the evil in the world. I refuse to allow more evil to enter this world through my actions.

In all honesty, I would probably cry if he showed true remorse. A lot. After that I don't know what I would do. I guess I would hope that the answer would be revealed to me at that time.
 
This post is highly controversial. I can't say I'm in total agreement with either side.

Originally posted by sexslave:

My comments are based on the 99% of pedophiles and child molesters and rapists that are out there. You can't take an isolated instance and use that as a discussion point. The majority are never changed. That is fact!
Click to expand...
I don't know if SS' facts are empirically correct or not but let's just assume for the moment that they are correct. What of the 1% that is left over? Are they to be denied a chance to change their lives or are they guilty by association? Should we risk punishing someone who has truly had a change in heart just for the sake of controlling those other 99% that are truly wicked?

This seems to me like a very utilitarian approach. Utilitarianism is only concerned with seeing people as a whole but not as individuals. Because of this, some individuals may be punished who don't actually deserve punishment. i.e. keeping a reformed and repented sexual molester in prison for life. We are all individuals and most of us don't fit any established pattern. Every case in this sense is unique so we shouldn't be quick to judge any one particular case based on what the overall evidence is telling us. I'm not religious but even the Bible says:

Which one of you, if he has 100 sheep, and one strays from the flock, will not leave the 99 sheep in the wilderness vulnerable to wolves, wandering off, and other all manner of mischief and go out and beat the bushes until you find your one lost sheep?


Originally posted by walkingsouth:
Let's do everything we can to break the cycle, guys. If that means abandoning the perps to rot in prison, so be it. If that means educating the public in regards SA, let's do it. If it means confronting the perps wherever they happen to be, let's' do it. And, dare I say it, if that means shedding a few tears with a perp who is genuinely sorry for his actions, let's do it if we are able.
Click to expand...
I must also respectfully disagree with John too. Just because we can do something doesn't mean we should do it. And just because one approach is very effective and gets us the result we wanted, it doesn't automatically make it the best approach or even the right approach. There may in fact be a better approach that is just as effective and we haven't found it yet. Or they may be some that are less effective but don't cause as much unnecessary suffering. Of course, this probably means some experimenting may be necessary and it may in fact require that some reformed molesters suffer in the process until we can figure out the best way of dealing with offenders.

Jesse
 
I have had recently one of my perpetrators, the 'main' perpetrator perhaps, approach me and another person he abuse, offering explanation, some apology, and asking basically, 'what do you want me to do about this, do you want me turn myself to police?' He was very 'controlled' of his emotions, and he say, he not asking for understanding or forgiveness, he knows he is not right to either. He write letter to me, and to other person, and I also speak with him on phone. He sounded very much sincere, and honest. I am not certain of what to believe and how much. But it is strange. Before, always I felt bad for him, sad for him, because I feel, how very dark his heart must be, and I am at least better of that. Now, it seem I know some the darkness inside him, and part, I still feel very bad for someone, anyone who must live those feelings. But, for some reason, now that he tell me of this, I feel more anger at him then I use to. I am not sure of why. But I been more grouchey for some time now then I ever been anyway, so maybe is just something of me.

Andrei
 
Nobby,

I hope that I would have the courage to accept him as a brother, but he is also my biggest betrayer.
Click to expand...
I guess you have it there -- we feel badly for the hurt we see in others because we know we hurt, too; we feel badly towards those who betray because we were betrayed. Sometimes, and if I understand Ken correctly then perhaps often, these capacities co-exist in individuals. Hmmmm...we have the capacity to be hurt, because we are human and we have the capacity to betray, for the same reason. So, I believe what it comes down to is that one can be victim/victimizer, a wounded betrayer, a traumatized perp. It doesn't surprise me to hear this from Ken, I've never thought that the evil people do is ever super-human, not even when it rises to the genocidal level of a Hitler or Stalin. It's just too ordinary, I think. I don't know why our abusers did what they did, but I also don't for a moment think that just because I don't know that reason nor can understand the essential 'why' of my experience, that I have the right to project my inability to know or comprehend onto the abuser and render him less human than I am. He, too, has an inability to know or comprehend my experience, but he projected onto me, made me less human in his mind. There for me is the nub of it -- I can be better than him without recreating him in the image of a caricature of evil. Cartoons are fun and educational to a point, but I get more out of novels.

Sorry for the ramble-ish. Bur if you read this, I thank you for your patience.

Johnboy
 
Jesse,

You are painting yourself with your own brush here, my friend. You just got through saying that a utilitarian approach is not appropriate. When I suggest there may be more than one approach to confronting the problem, you reject that as being wrong also, so what do you want?

I do not recall suggesting that a reformed molester not pay society's price for his crimes if he expresses sorrow. I would not be able to live with myself if I believed such a thing.

Lots of love,

John
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top