Feeling bad for my perp

Feeling bad for my perp
N

Nobbynobs

Registrant
In one of my discussions with the police after they interrogated my perp, one of the cops told me that my perp spent most of his interrogation crying uncontrollably, and that by the end of the interview he was terrified.

My reaction to this was odd. Rather than feeling what I expected to feel, i.e., vindication, I surprised myself by feeling sorry for him. My exact thought was, "boy, I bet he is really scared."

Now don't get me wrong, I am still very angry at him, and we aren't likely to go out for beers anytime soon. It's more that I don't like seeing other people suffer. I guess my response may have been a reflection of that. All I know is as bad as it feels to be a victim, I don't really have anything to fear any more. My perp, on the other hand, now has to live in constant fear that he will be arrested.

Maybe it is because I have lived in fear for so long that I am sympathetic for any other human, even a criminal like a perp, who has to live that way.

Any thoughts?
 
Nobby,

What your post shows me is that you are a compassionate person who feels for the pain and fear of others, even if their dilemma is of their own creation and even if it arises from terrible crimes committed against you.

The way we view the perps who hurt us can be very complicated, I think. I remember when the man who abused me got chased off I didn't feel "saved" at all. I didn't even understand that it was over. I missed him, even though he had hurt me so horrifically, and I felt that somehow I was being rejected or abandoned. Go figure.

Much love,
Larry
 
he was not arrested? at that time? yeah i'll bet he was scared ,but of what? maybe of the fact that what he did made him an animal even among other criminals? there is a big difference betwwen fear and remorse,all perps have one but none of them have the other,he didnt cry for you or what he did to you,he cried because he got caught!i dont think the crying he did was the same as the crying you did . i hope he rots in hell right beside my perp . shadow
 
Yes, that's it. Adam makes an excellent point - that the abuser is just weeping at the idea now he is caught and will be exposed, imprisoned, and so on, and isn't thinking of what he has done to his victim(s). But Nobby is talking about something else. He's getting at the feeling a compassionate person can have for the suffering of others, WITHOUT at the same time feeling that that other person is innocent or not deserving of punishment.

Much love,
Larry
 
Nobby, I learned to forgive, not really to save perps, but to save me from more hurt.

It makes you feel more whole at being able to show compassion to someone who caused great hurt.
It is harder to forgive my older brother who just hammered it into me daily.

I bet he was quaking in his shoes at the thought of being beaten in prison, and abused himself, because a lot of the guys in prison were abused as kids themselves.

The only thing I would want to learn is that kids are safe from any more hurt.
That is the difficult bit,

ste
 
Nobby,

Personally, I'd much rather be in a place where I could feel pity for the person that abused me than to feel unresolved anger. It's poison to me. It fills my whole being with a putrid stench, and kills my spirit.

That does not mean that I would not want him punished or that I do not think he deserves whatever might happen to him as a result of his actions toward me and other children. I just refuse to waste any more time on the guy(s). At best, I can only work myself up to ambivalence toward them rather than pity, but at least that is not destroying myself with hatred.

Just my $0.02 worth.

Lots of love,

John
 
Nobby,

Mixture of feelings surrounding one's perp? Hmmmm....yeah. I identified a lot with Larry's post about feeling that he missed his perp after he got chased off. After I had my adult falling-out with my brother so many decades after the abuse, I missed my brother terribly. I felt horror at what I had said to him in our last substantive conversation, shock at what I perceived as feelings of elation that I had broken free from him, and that yes, I had hurt him. Felt that he didn't care about me, so I no longer had to care about him.

And now, almost five years later, I am still wandering around this minefield of feelings. I cannot bring myself to be angry with him for the decades-old incest, only for his more recent erratic and controlling behaviors. And I do have to wonder what he had been through at twelve that he acted as he did toward me, a nine-year-old.

Part of me says it's nonsense to wonder, that that's his story and it doesn't add or detract from mine in any way. Another part of me says that wondering isn't nonsense, that it's actually harmful for me, that I'm still putting him ahead of me, protecting him by making him out as the one more hurting. Still another part says that compassion demands that I wonder, and that I would actually be less human if I did not. I think all of these 'voices' have value, all of the feelings are true, valid. But goddamnit it's hard to reconcile them.

I hope your feelings toward your perp come from some better place than mine toward my brother. I know that there is a focus by some here on forgiveness as the ultimate goal of healing. I don't know if I will get there, as I don't yet know exactly what the harm was, what it is that I should be so mad at him for. I've been furious at my parents (although I've not communicated this anger to them), but I cannot feel it, not really, for my brother. I believe that your post expresses the worthier goal of not being a victim forever -- of leaving the hurt of the trauma behind, correcting or learning to cope with the damage as much as one can, and of moving ahead. I think this can certainly include forgiveness, but I can't quite see that it *has* to.

John
 
Well I know a lot of my perp's history, because my family has know him for years. He was severely abused. Doesn't make what he did/does right, but it does put it into perspective.

We are lucky because we are at least able to understand that there is an end to pain. My perp may never learn he can recover from his pain until it's too late. In fact, he may be in for a lot more of it if he is charged and goes to jail. And the thought of all that suffering makes me very sad. At the same time I would be relieved if he went to jail, because I know kids will be safe from him.
 
i could never intentionaly hurt another human being ,but then i dont consider perps human.adam
 
I agree with shadowkid, they can all rot. Human beings dont fuck their own children(or anyone elses child for that matter), its not natural.

To do so in my eyes makes them less than human and thus unworthy of any consideration.
 
John,

I think this is very important:

Part of me says it's nonsense to wonder, that that's his story and it doesn't add or detract from mine in any way. Another part of me says that wondering isn't nonsense, that it's actually harmful for me, that I'm still putting him ahead of me, protecting him by making him out as the one more hurting. Still another part says that compassion demands that I wonder, and that I would actually be less human if I did not. I think all of these 'voices' have value, all of the feelings are true, valid. But goddamnit it's hard to reconcile them.
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There is something here for Little John, who is, after all, still a little kid and thinks of his world as revolving around himself and his needs - same as every little kid would think. For him the question is this: "Is it possible that I meant so little to my own big brother that he would do that to me just for sexual pleasure? Is that all I was to him?"

If there was something else in the mix, if the big brother was himself abused, then for Little John that changes everything. His brother hurt him because older kids or adults had hurt his brother and confused him. The reason wasn't that Little John meant nothing more to him than this.

Some questions, of course, will always defeat our efforts to find answers, and yes, at some point we have to stop looking and move forward in our healing. But however this works out in terms of getting answers, I bet THIS is why the issue is important to Little John in the first place.

Much love,
Larry
 
abuse is no excuse in fact as with us our abuse made it impossible for us to be abusers. past abuse is no excuse. shadow
 
As far as I am aware, the perv that groomed and abused me never cried any of the times he got arrested (not even for himself).

He still denies doing anything. He still smirks his way around town. Don't think I'll be forgiving him, or shaking his hand any time soon! I'd rather shake his neck!

Best wishes....Rik
 
Perp or criminal? Lets look at them for what they are. They are pedophiles and child molesters. Don't change the name to give them any validity. Call them what the are. A nicer name will not make what happened any nicer or make the act any prettier.
 
Nobby,

Have no sympathy nor empathy for a pedophile, child molester/rapist. When you start to feel that away think about him doing this to your children or neices and nephews. You will not feel sorry for him any more.
 
Rik,

Interesting you used the word "groomed". I was put into that position as well, no pun intended. I was very well trained.
 
Originally posted by reality2k4:
I learned to forgive, not really to save perps, but to save me from more hurt.
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I think Ste makes a good point. I feel I've been killing myself from the inside because I refuse to let some things go. In fact, I don't want to let them go--I can't. It's who I've become.

I literally spend hours and hours alone thinking about my abuse and how I never experienced being loved and how my family was cruel to me. I've spent so much time doing this that it's become my favorite hobby and career. That's where all my energy and time go into--I have no identity of my own. I do not know who I am because I've convinced myself I am what my memories tell me. (For those philosophically inclined: the I that thinks is not the same as the I that is.)

My memories range from being raped to seeing my mother try to commit suicide in front of me. Most of these happened while I was very young. Yet for all their terror, these things aren't happening right now. These happened in my distant past but those memories are slowly killing me now, not my abusers.

What happened was terrible, unjust, and inhuman. But what happened is over now and it's time for me to move on and to go live my life. It's bad enough that he took my childhood from me but why should I give him the rest of my life? He's taken so much already. Not just the obvious like relationships and self-worth but even the little things like not feeling okay in public or being ashamed to use a public urinal.

The last time I saw my abuser he had a stroke and is now partially paralyzed on the right side. Before that, he had clogged arteries and needed a quadruple bypass. Now he can't even walk without losing his breath and he needs a cane. This man who can't even walk nor speak is the same man who once dominated my world. It boggles my mind--yet like some piece of wood, I feel nothing.

Jesse
 
Jesse makes a good point:
I literally spend hours and hours alone thinking about my abuse and how I never experienced being loved and how my family was cruel to me. I've spent so much time doing this that it's become my favorite hobby and career. That's where all my energy and time go into--I have no identity of my own. I do not know who I am because I've convinced myself I am what my memories tell me. (For those philosophically inclined: the I that thinks is not the same as the I that is.)
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Abuse, especially in families that are abusive sexually or in other ways, or are not supportive when the abuse comes from out of the family, contributes to the damage. It is usually more complex than the "hate the perp" feelings that some people have.

Abusers come in different packages. While all have done some damage to their victims, there is a difference between those who show no remorse and those who feel guilt for what they've done. Those who can only see them as monsters who have no redeeming qualities and paint that picture on all abusers do little to help those who had relationships with their perpetrators and may have ambivalent feelings towards them. The degree of denial versus remorse may be a factor in a person's definition of self or how they define their victimization and relationship to the abuser or the family.

I'm not suggesting that survivors should like or love their perpetrators because of their relationships with them prior to or after the abuse. I'm only saying that not everyone looks at the abuse or the abuser the same way. That may be hard for those who want to demonize the abuser but bear in mind that people have different reactions to the abuse and the abuser.

This is a controversial area that people here have debated for the 10 or so years I've been here. I recognize this position may be controversial but if it helps generate some discussion and perhaps some changes in position based on what is written here, it may be worth it.

I truly believe, working with abusers and survivors for more than 25 years, that being open to new ideas can help healing and growth. So, even if your first reaction is to condemn or criticize a position different from your own, sit back and read the experience and positions of others as a way for healing.

Ken
 
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