feeling arousal about my perpetrator
This is something I have been dealing with lately and thought I would share what I have learned (very painfully, through many years) and what I have yet to learn.
Prior to my recovery, especially as an adolescent, for years I would only let this arousal out when I was drunk, then I would fantasize about faceless men using me and I would ejaculate and then, my god, the SHAME!!! I just wanted to die then. What was most confusing for me was that I was attracted to girls primarily but I would have these degrading homosexual fantasies that often were more arousing, at the beginning, than anything else. I walked around for so many years trying to identify as heterosexual, then bisexual, then at one point last year even decided I would "come out of the closet," identify with being gay, in the hope that this would solve my problems. It didn't, not at all. I just felt trapped, then, isolated from everyone, including myself.
With much work in group, and coming to understand that the arousal was a natural response to being touched etc., I am no longer struggling so much with the sexual identity issues. See, I would get into this near manic state thinking that solving the problem of my sexual orientation was the most important thing in my life and that if I would just get THAT pinned down, then I would be "okay." What I came to realize, after acting out repeatedly, was that obsessing in this way hid me from the the terror, shame, desperation, grief over abandonment, and despair that followed ejaculation. It didn't keep hiding me, though--those other feelings would come, primarily in the form of panic attacks.
So, I have come a a long way. Still, though, just two days ago I really tapped into feelings about my perpetrator and there was the arousal, overpowering as always. I have even realized that every male I have felt attracted to has reminded me of my perpetrator! My therapist encouraged me to not fantasize about my perpetrator because this would increase the trauma bond between my perpetrator and me in my own mind, thus increasing my sense of being helpless, trapped, and of the whole thing being my fault. I have found that she was right about this, and I have stopped acting out that way.
The arousal still scares me, though, feels like something that has the potential to undermine my self-esteem and leave me scattered in ruins, terrified and helpless once again. I fear being overpowered, used and abandoned and believing it is all my fault.
Interesting--all of those feelings in that last sentence are exactly what I felt being abused.
Jeff
Prior to my recovery, especially as an adolescent, for years I would only let this arousal out when I was drunk, then I would fantasize about faceless men using me and I would ejaculate and then, my god, the SHAME!!! I just wanted to die then. What was most confusing for me was that I was attracted to girls primarily but I would have these degrading homosexual fantasies that often were more arousing, at the beginning, than anything else. I walked around for so many years trying to identify as heterosexual, then bisexual, then at one point last year even decided I would "come out of the closet," identify with being gay, in the hope that this would solve my problems. It didn't, not at all. I just felt trapped, then, isolated from everyone, including myself.
With much work in group, and coming to understand that the arousal was a natural response to being touched etc., I am no longer struggling so much with the sexual identity issues. See, I would get into this near manic state thinking that solving the problem of my sexual orientation was the most important thing in my life and that if I would just get THAT pinned down, then I would be "okay." What I came to realize, after acting out repeatedly, was that obsessing in this way hid me from the the terror, shame, desperation, grief over abandonment, and despair that followed ejaculation. It didn't keep hiding me, though--those other feelings would come, primarily in the form of panic attacks.
So, I have come a a long way. Still, though, just two days ago I really tapped into feelings about my perpetrator and there was the arousal, overpowering as always. I have even realized that every male I have felt attracted to has reminded me of my perpetrator! My therapist encouraged me to not fantasize about my perpetrator because this would increase the trauma bond between my perpetrator and me in my own mind, thus increasing my sense of being helpless, trapped, and of the whole thing being my fault. I have found that she was right about this, and I have stopped acting out that way.
The arousal still scares me, though, feels like something that has the potential to undermine my self-esteem and leave me scattered in ruins, terrified and helpless once again. I fear being overpowered, used and abandoned and believing it is all my fault.
Interesting--all of those feelings in that last sentence are exactly what I felt being abused.
Jeff