Feeling angry for no reason

Feeling angry for no reason
F

ForeverFighting

Registrant
My therapist would say, there is a reason, and then he'd try to get me to figure out what that reason is. All I know is I've been getting really angry out of the blue over things that don't seem like a big deal. We've got two pets. One pet starts picking on the other pet, chasing it around and both of them making a lot of noise. I feel it building in me, like just STOP it! I'm driving to work and this lady in the left lane goes just slow enough that nobody can get by her, and I feel this thing in me about to blow. I jam my car in front of her. Then I think, wow, how rude was that. I get all upset when people do that to me, and here I did it to her!

The voice in my head has been just yelling all the time, "shut up", "get the f* away from me". I can't sleep, so I'm always tired--have been for about 3 weeks now. And I know that doesn't help. I can nap during the day when I shouldn't, but about 9 at night I feel this fight start up, like a rebellious 'I'm NOT going to bed!' There's also this thinking that I didn't do enough, accomplish enough, earn the right to go to sleep. If I do something really worthwhile (at 11:30 at night), then I might have earned sleep.

What's up with this? I'm supposed to be getting well, doing my therapy, posting my SA past on here, and all of a sudden I'm falling apart? I try to hide it, but when my wife sees me chasing our pets around and yelling--well, I don't think she's oblivious. It's out of character for me. I've never had a temper. In fact, I've gone out my way NOT to have a temper, because that's my dad all over.

I'm doing something wrong, but I don't know what. I need to talk about something, but I don't know what. Come on brain, just spit it out, whatever it is. Do you guys have this happen? What do you do to stop it?
 
Yup. I'm the type of guy who will bend to accommodate everyone and then suddenly I'll dig my heals in over something stupid and get nuts about it.

When I was younger and even stupider than I am today I used to get into fights this way a lot. I'd hang out at a bar and never picked a fight. Just waited for someone to do something that pushed my buttons so I could go off. I don't do that anymore. Hopefully it's not just because I'm too old for that crap.

Like everything else I find it's a matter of balance. When I'm eating right, sleeping, working and not procrastinating, meditating, and treating myself with respect, the anger doesn't erupt. When I neglect my needs, I turn into a jerk time-bomb.
 
FF - Anger is one of those symptoms our perps gave to us. Most times it covers some other deeper feeling. Like when someone falls off their bike, feels foolish, then kicks the bike blaming "it" for the fall. It's easier to blame the bike than to deal with feeling foolish. We cover old emotions, that may have remained dormant for years, when we enter therapy and these old emotions seep out, we cover them with anger to avoid facing them. You are experiencing a common complaint of survivors especially the "anger appears for no reason". MAYBE the not going to bed is to avoid 'dreams' that scare us? An attempt to be in control of our life (if old emotions bring back our feeling of powerlessness)? I hope this makes sense!

Howard
 
I'm going through an angry phase at present, for the last week I have been waking up like "a bear with a sore head". I have some inkling why I am in such a situation at the moment. I get extremely frustrated at the way us survivors in the UK are treated, with contempt, by our politicians, nothing gets done and letters do not get answered and on the rare occasion they are answered it is the usual acknowledgement together with some form of "buck passing".

I suppose I am a bit of control freak in a lot of ways in as much as "why dont people do what I want them too"?

Another possibility is that my original perp and pimp is due in court in the next few days to be commited to trial which is more than likely a year away at the very least. One certainty is my most famous abuser Jonathan King continues to mock "us" survivors of his SA from his website.

Some will no doubt ask "why look at it then"? The answer to that is simple I have been mentioned on his website (after I confronted him earlier this year) as it was I who disclosed to the police of his perverted attraction to under-age boys. I like to know where he is, what he is upto and what state of mind he is in. He has such an enormous ego that he cannot help but, talk about himself, telling everyone how wonderful and how gifted he is. And some people believe him. King has managed to groom three of our top journalists to get them round to his way of thinking. What chance did a fifteen year old boy have?

Last week he was refused leave to appeal against his conviction and sentance for a third time, so he is now taking it to the European Courts Of Human Rights. That process will hopefully make a dent in his millions as it could take years.

I know all about denial and Kings belief that he is innocent is a very serious case of denial.

Lastly I feel very disappointed that it appears that only one person from MaleSurvivor has even looked at my post in the "News" section regarding my book, yes I feel hurt as I have tried to share my experiences, strength and hope (to nick a famous AA quote) with others on this site. It would have been nice to recieve some feedback and to help those that have just realised that they have been ab***d and that it is possible to scrape back a semblnce of normality from the hell hole that was mine for thirty five years although I do still have "off" days, I am now forty nine (fifty in December) thats a long time to smother your memories with any amount of differing chemicals.

Today I am sober and relatively clean and have a loving "married" family to support me. I hasten to add that I am right in the middle of an anger management programme so I thought "well" do as they recommend and tell people how you feel, constructively. So I have.

Kirk

"Hold you head up, hold your head up, hold your up, hold your head high". Rod Argent

PS the above song "Hold you head up" used to trigger me but now I have found a way to shake that particularly memory off.
 
Kirk, I read about half of your book. It is very powerfull. I am so sorry about what you lived through, it really saddened me to realize that you almost drank yourself to death and didn't even realize what was the pain was that was driving you to the bottle, I am so glad that you have it sorted out, and it is very inspiring to see where you are at now, all the confrontations, what you are talking about on making these evil men pay for their crimes. I meant to reply with some feedback earlier, but it is just so powerful I have been still processing all the triggers I am experiencing. So I feel that everyone is having a delayed reaction. Thanks for sharing! Your dedicatation to effect change is very noble!
 
Thank you willtobecomplete.

I am sorry to hear of the triggers I may have caused you. I did not set out to upset knowing that it will upset people just as Mic Hunters book "Ab***D Boys - The Neglected Victims of SA" which had me in tears over the couple of days that it took me to read it. Did I not put TRIGGERING on the document? I hope you are finding some similarities in our stories.

Once I found out that I wasnt on my own anymore and not going insane that (I think) is where my recovery began.

Thanks once again

Kirk
"Instigate change as it does not come naturally, it has to be forced" - Anon
 
We all have times of 'breakdown' somewhat. Maybe for right now, for you, it is the anger. At other times, it may be other emotions. It does not mean that you are not healing. It does not mean you are not getting better. I have been healing for 2 years now. I still have the breakdown times. It is kind of a time I think that helps us to move forward. Because it is a challenge to us yet again. Just try to be easy on yourself.

Leosha
 
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