feeling a total mess

feeling a total mess
B

beccy

Registrant
Hi again everyone,

sorry this is so long, feeling really a mess today....

me and bf had been taking a break from the actual sex act (read other topics)....

we both were beginning to feel like it would be ok to be intimate in that way again and proceeded.....kind of sub/dom stuff (me sub)...sorry to be so candid, but I think the details might be relevant. Anyway, I couldn't really enjoy it, I think because my self esteme is so low, I can't be myself/get aroused with him. So, we discussed this the next day, and decided it would be best to take a break from it again, until it felt like a more natural developement(on my side of things)........

However, since then, what has happened is that every time I become genuinely excited, he totally blanks me out. I have been doing really well by gently asking him what's happened for him/if he's still with me etc......sometimes he tells me nothing happened and I have to persist till he's honest with me and sometimes he just ignores me completely. We sat down and I told him that when he shuts me out like that/ignores me, it is a major blow to my confidence and that I can't see things working out if he keeps treating that way. It is him who keeps approaching me and at his insistence that we do try to have intimacy at the moment. I think I've come on to him only once in years probably....and that was the other night. He just had absolutely no response at all, I may as well have not been there. I said, at the very least I would like to be acknowledged to the degree where you say something along the lines of, ''I'm triggered now, give me a minute'' etc, and perhaps, ''I love you still though''. I said the reason for this is that I also need to feel that you 'care' for my feelings of total insecurity about everything that's happened and that you do like me enough to be kind to me too. In the same way I've been making a concerted effort to be kind to you. That would mean to me that you do actually want to have a relationship with me.

So, after being very clear about all that, he came onto me in the bathroom the other night and I actually felt/responded (albeit in a very passive way I might add)....he went and got in bed while I finished teeth, then I got in and we cuddled. I felt confused about the vibes between us, so I asked him, ''did you mean to be sexual just then?'' (this is because we had previously realised there were times when he came on to me, when all he actually wanted was some love) He said yes and remained quiet...I waited for him to say something else, but he didn't and we fell asleep.

So, the next day I felt confused about everything again and asked him about it. He said it was because I'd said we were taking a break from sex, so he didn't think that would be happening.....it just didn't make enough sense to me, so I persued it and he eventually said he'd been triggered...thought I'd think he was going to sleep, be angry he wouldn't give me what I wanted!!! This is presumably based on past history BEFORE I knew about any of the SA, and I should add NEVER to do with an actual demand for sex, but just TOTAL CONFUSION.

I feel he has messed me around and has no respect for me and who I am as a person. Either that or he just wants someone different to me. He said he was just 'frozen'. I asked him if I'd said 'are you triggered?' would he have opened up. He said yes. But I said I just can't take ALL the responsibility for that, partly because I sometimes don't know/understand what might have happened, partly because I'm actually quite passive in that way and it's just not me.

This on top of the fact that he's still on and off worrying he might be gay is just shattering my stability and state of mind. I feel like I'm losing it totally. Feel like the sex we've had is really just a sex 'act' and nothing to do with me or who I am as a person. I feel used totally and paranoid. He says he doesn't ever think about/long for a relationship with a man. The worries about being gay are to do with:

1. being triggered, then not wanting sex with me/woman.

2. all feelings of weakness

Not to do with longing for a man. So I should just believe him/trust what he says to me....but how can I when he lies to me about other things?

If anyone has anything to say about these kinds of things, I'd be most greatful....just feel like I'm losing my head....

just to add, that he's said that absolutely won't happen again and he can't bear to see me hurt that way...


peace
Beccy
 
Also forgot to say that I have been very clear with bf that when he gets triggered, in itself is not a problem for me. I understand how difficult the feelings must all be for him and have shown much sensitivity about this. I have felt that my behaviour towards him around this issue over the past 4 months has proved this. It's just that I don't expect to be treated like I'm the one that's 'caused' it in the first place. It makes me feel repulsive, unattractive and like he finds me disgusting. Which just makes me feel like he doesn't really want me.

Deep down I feel that he doesn't genuinly know what he really wants. Even though he's always telling me in a completely reassuring way that we're forever etc..

will he come to the conclusion in however many months/years time, that he doesn't really want to be with me?

I feel so powerless over my own life at the moment.....all I know is I don't want someone to treat me this way, I want to be loved for who I am. The way I'm feeling now, is that if our kids wern't part of the picture, I'd pack my bags and leave. He could come to me when he was certain of what he really wants and I could be with someone who makes me feel like the lovely person I am.

consequentially, the other night when we went out, I asked him if he flirted with others and conversed with them in a way that made them feel he was actually interested in them. He said he did, and I said how come he doesn't do that with me then? He says it's because he didn't think that was necessary in a relationship and it's to do with the way we got together. ie; to cut a long story short, he never had to make an effort to get me, so he's got no respect for me. But I know we've had this conversation before.....it feels like going round in circles

sorry to rant,

Beccy

peace all
 
don't you have to ask yourself if it is all worth it? aren't you worth more than having to deal with all his issues and them in turn making you doubt yourself and your relationship? bad enough if you are married but i can honestly say that had i known about all this before we got married, my tolerance of it would have been much lower and i truly doubt i would have chosen to put myself in this situation. i feel resentment that i have ended up in this whole relationship based on lies and i'm stuck for the moment.
 
Beccy,
I am so sorry to read of your present emotions. I say present, because mine change constantly, from feeling anger/insecurity/frustration to feeling huge compassion/patience.

I don't want to push for any kind of ultimatims myself, because you and I are alike in that we both want our marriages and have children.

But I have begun wondering lately if maybe we need to just let them know that they are not the only ones holding the say-so of whether we stay together or not. The other night I was in tears and asked my husband, "Is our home ending?" To which he responded, "I'm still here, aren't I?" As in he's the all-powerful one, as in, I'm not the one who would ever walk away, I've always been the faithful, loyal, trusting one. BUT, in this world we are probably their strongest or maybe even only attachment, since the SA/CSA keeps a wall between them and others.

Surely they too would hate to lose US. I'm working to what I'm going to say and how I'm going to say it, but eventually - don't know when - not yet though - I'm going to sit him down and lovingly say something like, "You know I love you. I value our 14 yr history together and our marriage and family and life. The pain of this "thing" is never going to go away. But, it could be lessened....but only if we get you someone to talk to...it will never go away, but we can learn how not to let it ruin our present life together. Simply put, we cannot move forward unless this takes place, and if it will not take place, then we need to rethink things. I am sure you don't want to live like this the rest of your life, and I don't either."

I will also put in there somewhere that he's definitely NOT ALONE, etc., and I'm still brainstorming about just what to say when that time comes, when I feel comfortable saying it, after some more time passes, when I feel he's ready to hear it. I will probably write it down so I won't misspeak when I say it.

THe sad part is that he does love you but cannot move forward without therapy to help him process it, take the time to do so, and let someone help. He needs to see that he TOO deserves healing and happiness, damn it! (And I never cuss!)

You know, I was thinking back to when my hus. disclosed to me....I am by nature a very "southern lady" kind of person, to some standards, sheltered, etc., and I may have made a little bit of a yucky face when he told me, and said something like, "Ugh, really?" I don't really remember. I don't think it was insensitive, but certainly probably lacking compassion or I just should have been more mature or calm, maybe? Wow, to think that I could have helped him back THEN, instead of him retreating back into his shell all this time. WOW. I definitely feel I can handle it now.

THank you ALL for all your suggestions...they are taken to heart and very good advice.

I will ck in again soon -
 
Hey Brokenhearted,

hope that goes well for you, personally I think it sounds like a good plan.

I know exactly what you mean about feelings changing on a day to day basis....I now feel guilty like I overreacted and was too angry. :rolleyes:

Just can't get it right. think maybe I've been a little selfish/impatient?

And Needanswers,

I do know what you mean by if you'd known before and everything being based on lies.....I wonder about that myself really. But my bf said he never considered that the SA may have been affecting anything between us. I can accept that, but still, not sharing it meant he didn't really have a true relationship with me and that makes me doubt things......he in fact only told me after he'd told a guy he wanted to kiss him and he felt guilty. Talk about selfish.....anyway, I've no room to talk, but that's another post...

I think I need to start thinking about myself more and less about 'us'......I'm smoking again and in the evenings, I feel so unhappy with everything I've taken to relying on smoking pot again to escape from it all. I know that's wrong and probably not helping anything, maybe I should phone my T.....my own self destructive tendencies are creeping back in and after so many years of being good to myself :(

It's just I want to be able to please whoever I'm with, that's who I am.....and when he can't be kind to me and reassure me with relevant behaviour, I know I do not please him. I realise now that must be why I have compromised so many aspects of myself in this relationship. If i can't please him with who I am naturally, I can't be happy either. This is what makes me feel that deep down, he doesn't really want me..

I'm ranting again, sorry!

peace,
Beccy
 
I've been reading the posts on this thread and finding so many similarities (the least of which is being a southern woman . . . I was raised in Nashville). Anyway, my feelings jump all over the place. In the morning, I'm ready to be strong but by the afternoon (faced with the care of two toddlers, alone right now . . .) I am exhausted and just want my husband, in any form.
 
Beccy,

i've read all of your posts and totally feel for you - you are so smart without even realizing it - can i just say i think maybe one issue you might want to address that might help you out:

your self-esteem - you simply can't rely on someone else's opinion of you for what you think about yourself! you can't!! i mean, if a total stranger walked up to you and said you were the most brilliant, beautiful person in the world - you'd think they were nuts, right? but i bet if a total stranger said just the opposite you'd go home and be upset for a long time, believing them.

you need to start assessing your own strengths and reminding yourself of what they are - you are a mother, first of all, and you are responsible for your children feeling good about themselves. how will they do that if their mother doesn't feel good about herself?

i hate to be corny - but you need to start practicing to be your own best friend. really - ! hon, i'm certain you have a lot of good qualities, you need to start thinking about them.

when you start feeling better about yourself, your hubby's mood swings will be much easier to deal with and it will be so much clearer what's going on is not about you - further, it will be clearer to him he's not going to be able to bring you down with him in his negative antics.

you also must realize to change one's behavior - with or w/o therapy, and no matter how willing one is - it does take time. it doesn't happen overnight, unfortunately for those of us w/little patience!!

i hope this helps - sorry i can't offer more.

all the best,
indy
 
Thanks Indy,

very wise words there...

however, last night bf told me he fancied men more then women amongst a whole host of other negatives about me :(

I will continue this in a new Topic
 
Also Indy,

don't you reckon that the way a person treats you and responds to you naturally effects your self esteme one way or another?

when you've been with someone who makes you feel like the way you are is ugly and disgusting it's hard to stay confident with that person, no?

peace
 
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