Feeling a little at peace

I’m feeling a bit at peace, I have shared a part of my story, my soul with men like me, men who know years of pain, trauma, shame, questioning. Hurt and pain beyond imagination, that the average person can begin to comprehend.

I’m feeling for the first time in 52 years that their is a possibility of freeing myself from these chains. I’m feeling like maybe I can live every day with out fighting to stay alive.

The pain and the tears have not gone away, in fact they have gotten worse in this short journey the last month. I expect a lot more before it’s over.

But some how reading your stories of pain and suffering is showing me that I’m not a horrible person, that I can probably forgive myself.

I am a man who was raped and abused as a child, robbed of my soul, my childhood, my confidence, my ability to find out who I am sexually and so much more.

I have lived with untold pain for 52 years, I tried hard to avoid the drama and to-not be that needy person. I have told myself to just stop it. Get over it. I was something that happened. Move forward. It’s not drama and it’s not that needy person I’m learning. I’m no different from the others on here and that makes me feel normal in abnormal situation.

Today I listened to Nerobiology of Trauma - Dr. David Lisak. Wow did it make me cry and help to start freeing me of this crippling grip on my life. Please fellow survivors look it up on the internet and spend 27 minutes listening. He tells the effects this has had on our lives so truthfully. It helped me really begin to understand the consequences of CSA. We truly are victims of a horrendous crime. Please listen to this.

I think there might be a way back to that happy go lucky 8 year old. I think I may be able to forgive me for hurting myself and for not being able to move forward. For all the time I lost.

I’m going to say it over and over again. This life has been a result of what that horrible mad did to me, NOT WHAT I DID. I hope as I go through this I can forgive myself for what I have done to others as a result of what happened. I mean the anger, the not trusting, the lashing out. I certainly hope that those that I have hurt will forgive me.

There is a lot of T ahead, a lot of learning, a lot of hurt to still deal with but I’m feeling like I can get there. I think I can get there.

Thank you brave people for sharing, it’s helping me to understand. It’s helping me to accept me!
 
Bob, reading this brought tears to my eyes. You have put it all down so eloquently and completely. I know EXACTLY what you are talking about because I have been there myself.

You have laid it out so succinctly that there is not much more to add. But you CAN and WILL find yourself on the other side of this one day. My heart truly goes out to you, brother.

((( Bob )))
 
I'm in tears as well Bob. You're telling a story each of us is experiencing. I remember your first post on MS, how overwhelming it all seemed. To read where you are right now is incredibly moving. You're doing the same thing I am and for the same reasons. We were alone, filled with shame and confusion, with no clear path to healing. And then we read what others on this site have been doing and started reading about trauma and its impact on development... exactly what you share above. I'm so happy for you that you've found relief... I know there is a great deal more work to be done, demons to be encountered, painful feelings to be explored. But this is healing work, not acting out and producing ever more shame. My new mantra is "self-compassion is the antidote to shame and self-care moment to moment confirms my worthiness."

You've become a true fellow of this band of brothers Bob, sharing your strength and hope as you pursue your healing journey. You are giving back what you've been receiving, the support we all need. We do this together. We're not alone any longer. What a beautiful thing, finding this treasure within the wreckage of trauma. Amazing!
 
I'm glad you are feeling a little bit more peaceful
I will listen to what you suggested

Peace
HL
I'm in tears as well Bob. You're telling a story each of us is experiencing. I remember your first post on MS, how overwhelming it all seemed. To read where you are right now is incredibly moving. You're doing the same thing I am and for the same reasons. We were alone, filled with shame and confusion, with no clear path to healing. And then we read what others on this site have been doing and started reading about trauma and its impact on development... exactly what you share above. I'm so happy for you that you've found relief... I know there is a great deal more work to be done, demons to be encountered, painful feelings to be explored. But this is healing work, not acting out and producing ever more shame. My new mantra is "self-compassion is the antidote to shame and self-care moment to moment confirms my worthiness."

You've become a true fellow of this band of brothers Bob, sharing your strength and hope as you pursue your healing journey. You are giving back what you've been receiving, the support we all need. We do this together. We're not alone any longer. What a beautiful thing, finding this treasure within the wreckage of trauma. Amazing!
Thanks Visitor, can I ask your name or is that something you can’t do. Totally respect it if you can’t. You give me much more credit then I deserve at this point. I’m trying and I will keep trying. I have only broken the seal on the envelope. The sharing and reading is frightening and freeing. I am being easy on myself. I have realized it’s the least I can do for me. Pease.
 
For the moment Bob I'll maintain my anonymity. My first name is a bit unusual and at least for now it feels better to rely on this username. Ironically, I tried this username perhaps 15 years ago on a website that used "visitor" for folks who didn't register and was able to secure it. Subsequently, I've found it available on a number of websites, including this one. If you ever fun into a Visitor on another discussion board it may very well be me... :cool:

You're right, of course, this is work for the long haul. But you've definitely committed to the process and that is laudable. As you've said, the alternative to doing this is really a sad one to consider. But you've taken this more challenging route and I wish you well.
 

iceman67

Registrant
I’m feeling a bit at peace, I have shared a part of my story, my soul with men like me, men who know years of pain, trauma, shame, questioning. Hurt and pain beyond imagination, that the average person can begin to comprehend.

I’m feeling for the first time in 52 years that their is a possibility of freeing myself from these chains. I’m feeling like maybe I can live every day with out fighting to stay alive.

The pain and the tears have not gone away, in fact they have gotten worse in this short journey the last month. I expect a lot more before it’s over.

But some how reading your stories of pain and suffering is showing me that I’m not a horrible person, that I can probably forgive myself.

I am a man who was raped and abused as a child, robbed of my soul, my childhood, my confidence, my ability to find out who I am sexually and so much more.

I have lived with untold pain for 52 years, I tried hard to avoid the drama and to-not be that needy person. I have told myself to just stop it. Get over it. I was something that happened. Move forward. It’s not drama and it’s not that needy person I’m learning. I’m no different from the others on here and that makes me feel normal in abnormal situation.

Today I listened to Nerobiology of Trauma - Dr. David Lisak. Wow did it make me cry and help to start freeing me of this crippling grip on my life. Please fellow survivors look it up on the internet and spend 27 minutes listening. He tells the effects this has had on our lives so truthfully. It helped me really begin to understand the consequences of CSA. We truly are victims of a horrendous crime. Please listen to this.

I think there might be a way back to that happy go lucky 8 year old. I think I may be able to forgive me for hurting myself and for not being able to move forward. For all the time I lost.

I’m going to say it over and over again. This life has been a result of what that horrible mad did to me, NOT WHAT I DID. I hope as I go through this I can forgive myself for what I have done to others as a result of what happened. I mean the anger, the not trusting, the lashing out. I certainly hope that those that I have hurt will forgive me.

There is a lot of T ahead, a lot of learning, a lot of hurt to still deal with but I’m feeling like I can get there. I think I can get there.

Thank you brave people for sharing, it’s helping me to understand. It’s helping me to accept me!
I will watch the video you shared.

I have kept this quite for nearly 45yrs and I need to move forward before it destroys me.

G
 
Good luck G... much better to unpack this material than allow it to destroy you. I think this is what happened for most of us who eventually came to this decision. You'll find your way.
 

iceman67

Registrant
Thanks Visitor.

I guess i will tread thru the forums very lightly since the few I saw caused PTSD.

Any advise you can provide would be great.
 
Thanks Visitor.

I guess i will tread thru the forums very lightly since the few I saw caused PTSD.

Any advise you can provide would be great.
Keep your feet firmly planted on the ground. Touch your thighs to remind yourself you're here... pat them even. Use the butterfly hug to calm yourself. Simply rest your hand on your heart with a simple message like "I'm okay" or "Hold me."

You might want to create an "altar" with things that are meaningful to you. I have two of them I can see from where I'm sitting as I write. Above one is a Japanese block print of Mount Fuji beyond rolling waves of a bay, a statue of Kuan Yin, a small laughing Buddha, a photo of Ramana Maharshi and an assortment of cards I've received. One the second I have a beautiful orchid, three photos of myself as a boy, a large Buddha statue. It doesn't matter what is on the altar, only that the items are comforting for you. We need reminders that we are safe in this moment. On my refrigerator I have a number of favorite quotes. Everything is done to remind us we're not alone, that we are held. The trauma is in the past, not happening right now. Be gentle with yourself G and definitely stay away from what might trigger you. This is time for self-care in the simplest form.
 

iceman67

Registrant
Be gentle with yourself G and definitely stay away from what might trigger you.

I will try but I am my own worst enemy and have decades of experience beating myself up, even for the smallest things.
 
And that is why this practice is so important for you. Beating yourself up is perpetuating the trauma. If you want to release the residue of trauma you will want to be kinder to yourself.
 

KMCINVA

Registrant
Bob

I am sorry for the pain you live. I do hope you continue on a path of healing. I listened to to Dr. Lisak-very informative and insightful. I was aware of many of the facets he spoke. I began to learn about the brain years ago when I suffered from Vasovagal syncope (neurocardiogenic syncope) and the impact stress hormones and amygdala had on the condition. As I was being treated I never told of the abuse. The treatment options were non-conventional as to medication. My doctor spoke of my condition with peers and I was a subject in case studies when he spoke at research and medical seminars. I moved and had not talked to the doctor in years. I finally did after I learned the burying of my emotions and stresses of the abuse had been linked to vasovagal syncope within the world of PTSD. It seems I had suffered a form of PTSD for decades. When I told the doctor he said we finally have the answer to the cause of my syncope. He spoke of the stress levels and hormones released. He was compassionate and said he always struggled to find a reason for my syncope. He thanked me and told me it would help in the future to explore more indepth any trauma a sufferer may have lived. It gave me hope. As I healed and encountered triggers for extended periods of time I learned of the impact these triggers had on PTSD, dissociative (which is also the result of a smaller amygdala and hippocampal volume) and life in general. The triggers cause me to disconnect and wander. No one knows where my mind was during these episodes which were recurrent due to the nature of the triggers that were allowed to occur and even encouraged. Learning cause and effect has helped me to heal, to avoid triggers and to learn new coping mechanisms.

Listening to Dr. Lisak brought back many of the things I have learned and new findings I was unaware. I remember being in hospital for a fugue. After I came out of the fugue I was speaking with a nurse. I was impressed with knowledge of trauma. She said all medical personnel from EMS to nurses and surgeons, educational personnel, law enforcement and lawyers who deal with trauma victims should be trained to understand trauma. As I laid in the ER to be moved to Neurology I looked around and saw some police, doctors and nurses with great compassion for the trauma victims that came through (and I was amazed at the number. The hospital was in Washington, DC) and then others who were downright ignorant and mocked the victim behind their back or in the way they talked to the victim. I also believe those who support or should support victims could learn from this video. Thank you for sharing. I find learning about trauma helps me to accept it was not my fault nor is the guilt mine.

Thank you for sharing and I wish you well on your journey to heal.

Kevin

Kevin
 
Last edited:
Bob

I am sorry for the pain you live. I do hope you continue on a path of healing. I listened to to Dr. Lisak-very informative and insightful. I was aware of many of the facets he spoke. I began to learn about the brain years ago when I suffered from Vasovagal syncope (neurocardiogenic syncope) and the impact stress hormones and amygdala had on the condition. As I was being treated I never told of the abuse. The treatment options were non-conventional as to medication. My doctor spoke of my condition with peers and I was a subject in case studies when he spoke at research and medical seminars. I moved and had not talked to the doctor in years. I finally did after I learned the burying of my emotions and stresses of the abuse had been linked to vasovagal syncope within the world of PTSD. It seems I had suffered a form of PTSD for decades. When I told the doctor he said we finally have the answer to the cause of my syncope. He spoke of the stress levels and hormones released. He was compassionate and said he always struggled to find a reason for my syncope. He thanked me and told me it would help in the future to explore more indepth any trauma a sufferer may have lived. It gave me hope. As I healed and encountered triggers for extended periods of time I learned of the impact these triggers had on PTSD, dissociative (which is also the result of a smaller amygdala and hippocampal volume) and life in general. The triggers cause me to disconnect and wander. No one knows where my mind was during these episodes which were recurrent due to the nature of the triggers that were allowed to occur and even encouraged. Learning cause and effect has helped me to heal, to avoid triggers and to learn new coping mechanisms.

Listening to Dr. Lisak brought back many of the things I have learned and new findings I was unaware. I remember being in hospital for a fugue. After I came out of the fugue I was speaking with a nurse. I was impressed with knowledge of trauma. She said all medical personnel from EMS to nurses and surgeons, educational personnel, law enforcement and lawyers who deal with trauma victims should be trained to understand trauma. As I laid in the ER to be moved to Neurology I looked around and saw some police, doctors and nurses with great compassion for the trauma victims that came through (and I was amazed at the number. The hospital was in Washington, DC) and then others who were downright ignorant and mocked the victim behind their back or in the way the talked to the victim. I also believe those who support or should support victims could learn from this video. Thank you for sharing. I find learning about trauma helps me to accept it was not fault nor is the guilt mine.

Thank you for sharing and I wish you well on your journey to heal.

Kevin

Kevin
Thanks Kevin. Wish you well too!
 

Brennan87

Registrant
I’m going to say it over and over again. This life has been a result of what that horrible mad did to me, NOT WHAT I DID. I hope as I go through this I can forgive myself for what I have done to others as a result of what happened. I mean the anger, the not trusting, the lashing out. I certainly hope that those that I have hurt will forgive me.
Bob,

Thank you for sharing. This really resonated with me today. I am glad you realize the actions of others have led you here today, not something YOU DID. Facing yourself for actions towards others after the fact is hard, it carries another layer of guilt and shame to it. It's important that we forgive ourselves first before we seek others forgiveness. When we get there this is very freeing!

Great progress and keep it up!
 
Bob,

Thank you for sharing. This really resonated with me today. I am glad you realize the actions of others have led you here today, not something YOU DID. Facing yourself for actions towards others after the fact is hard, it carries another layer of guilt and shame to it. It's important that we forgive ourselves first before we seek others forgiveness. When we get there this is very freeing!

Great progress and keep it up!
Thanks Brennan, I’m a work in progress, one way or the other I’m going to learn to live with myself and I’m surely working on forgiving myself.
 
Top