Feeling a bit guilty - beating myself up

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Feeling a bit guilty - beating myself up
B

BrianMiko

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Hello everyone,
I hope it's ok if I post a little rant here.
I've felt a bit guilty lately. I worked with two of Nao's abusers. The first one I'd worked with for four years though I never did really know him very well, I never perceived him as a danger. The second one I dare say I would have called him my friend. How could I have not known that they were pedophiles? As a teacher it outrages me because it makes it seem as though teachers these days can't be trusted (many parents have called in asking the school to run background checks on all their employees) and as a mother it enrages me because I feel I was involved in my son's life. They didn't just violate him, but they betrayed the trust I placed in them. My children have a right to feel safe in their school - this was happening right under my nose and I couldn't see it! Why didn't I suspect something when Nao cut German class five times in a three week period?! Why did I ground him for that instead of sitting him down and asking what was wrong?! Maybe if I'd just asked him he would have told me. Now looking back I realized that Mr. H (Nao's 3rd abuser - his German teacher) was always talking to me about him - always praising him. Even going so far as to say "he's not just a good kid and student but I can tell the girls find him attractive." Why didn't it jump into my head that maybe his teacher shouldn't be saying that about him? But in the two years I worked with Mr. H he never once asked about my daughter - I'm not even sure he knew what her name was, but the scary thing is that she would have been in his class next quarter (she's in a quarter foreign language program - a different language every quarter kind of to test the waters). And as for both of them - though it isn't unheard of - it's awfully uncommon for a teacher to give private tutoring lessons in their houses. I should have insisted they hold their sessions in the library or in the classroom.
I just feel very guilty and angry that maybe I could have stopped two of his abusers before they hurt him if I'd just seen the signs.
Thank you for listening. Getting this out makes me feel a bit better.
Michiko
 
I know it's hard not to blame yourself. Just remember hin-site is 20/20. Also remember that a lot of the people who are perp's have had years upon years to hone there skills at keeping it hiden. Looking back you can say "why didnt this send up a red flag...why didnt that send up a red flag" just remember your looking at this times in a differnt light that you were then. Now you KNOW Nao was abused. :( just try not to beat yourself up to hard.
James
 
Michiko

It is sort of hard to remember exactly how I felt about my parents during/after my abuse as a teenager. I am sure I was angry/hurt/etc. But now I can tell you that I know it was not possible for them to protect me from everything or even to know everything I was trying to keep secret.

But what matters to me is an adult is how they behaved after they knew. Unfortunately, my mom really did not want to deal with it... I think she would have prefered to pretend it didn't happen. But thankfully my dad eventually came around and listened to me/took care of me.

The point is that now, as an adult working on recovery, my parents behavior after they knew about the abuse mattered more than their ability to sense it or prevent it. And it really sounds like you are doing all the right things.

George
 
Michiko:
Background checks only identify those who were caught. Many abusers get away with abusing numerous children without getting caught. As James said, hindsight is 20-20. You are doing the best you can.

As someone who works professionally with survivors and abusers, I can tell you that the research says that the best way to help is to a) believe your child, and b) support him with therapy and whatever else he needs.

You and Brian are doing a good job with Nao. He's a bright kid who will survive this and go on to a good life, I believe.

Ken
 
wrangler makes sense to me here:
my parents behavior after they knew about the abuse mattered more than their ability to sense it or prevent it.
Click to expand...
A lot of parental behavior with older children is about the expectations of the child... don't know if this makes sense but... a teen can anticipate the consequences of giving people access to information. Before your son ever confided in you, he must have thought about doing so and what it would mean to him... and he decided that the benefits of that outweighed the risks, and told you... and from what I can see, it seems that he was right. Please believe me, most teens (even those who have no reason to think so) think that telling their parents about anything personal or controversial will have terrible results. So in order for your son to have told you in the first place, you must be doing something right already. He must know that you love him no matter what. And that is not something that every child gets to know.

You are right to feel betrayed and angry--as a parent and as a professional. I can't imagine the shock and frustration of doing such caring and demanding work every day and then learning that one of your colleagues has demolished all of the trust and growth that you work so hard to share with children. What a slap in the face. To say nothing of the terror and anger that comes with loving someone who has suffered such a terrible wrong. Unfortunately I do know some of that feeling but I still can't imagine what I would do to someone who hurt a child of mine in that way.

All I can say to you about this is: 1/ let your anger and guilt be yours and no one else's, especially not your son's, and 2/ don't turn that anger and guilt inwards. As an educator yourself you are in a position to notice and understand what some of your colleagues may miss entirely. Use what you have to help others, either by getting these bad apples out of your awesome profession, or by reaching out to another child who may go unnoticed. One adult, even a seemingly marginal one, giving compassion and understanding to a child who comes from a place with no compassion and understanding, can make a lot of difference in that child's life.

SAR
 
Michiko,

I am so very sorry about how you are feeling right now, and the feeling guilty and upset of things. My mother, she was actually the one who start me with the coach who abused me for 7 years, because he was considered the best at what he does. She still struggles with me dealing with this, because she feels guilty also. Sometime, as her son, I wonder why she didn't notice this, or that. But, that is wrong of me. It is not for me to 'second guess' her. I was not in her mind at that moment, at that time. I was not the one who had things to see or not see, to interpret or not interpret. I question myself all the time, over why it is I did not tell anyone for so long of what was happening. I did not tell my mother until last year, at age 23. I know that make her feel bad also, that I do not trust her to tell her sooner. I am glad that your son felt comfortable enough to tell you, and that you are supportive enough to even come here. We all make mistakes, but we can not judge our behavior of the past by the standards or knowledge we have now.

I wish you well. Welcome here.

leosha
 
Michiko,

Ya know, these people, men and women who abuse, we'd like to think they stand out. That they look like the stereotype we've grown up with. You know the ones I mean, the "dirty old man" or "horny housewife" looking to "seduce" or "educate" children in the ways of sex.

Sadly, as you know, they don't. Many of them are very charming. Very much like the kinds of people we'd WANT our kids to hang out with. We think they're good influences. It's part of they're charm. They cultivate these personalities so they can seduce kids and their parents, and the wider community in fact. We'd never suspect them because they've become really good at what they do.

I'm playing the "blame game" myself with my parents and the school committee in my hometown. I hate to doubt my parents, because while my father's relationship with me was problematic, I love my mother truly and I miss her. She saved my life on many occasions. But even now, I ask myself, how the hell could she NOT see what was going on?" I also wonder about the middle school, because while my memory of the abuse is faulty (I repressed it, but the abuse itself is crystal clear now), I must've been spending an excessive time with this pervert. How could THEY not know?

Truthfully, Michiko, you and Brian didn't see it because these monsters are very good at pulling the wool over our eyes. Please don't blame yourself for what you missed. I praise you and Brian for your response and I just wish everyone here had people like you to turn to.

You're doing the right thing now, and that's what's important. Please be gentle with yourself. You are a good person and a great mother.

Peace and love to you and Brian.

Scot
 
The mian things is you can't change the past but you can change the future. Now you know some of the sign which will help you God forbid that this might happen again.

You should be proud of yourself that you are helping your son, when I told my mom she didn't seem to concern at all. Each day will get better for you.

Take care and God bless
Gus
 
Hindsight is 20/20 Michiko. This kind of hits home for me because my mother blames herself and feels very guilty for "letting" me be abused.

For awhile I would ask myself "why didn't she notice something was wrong?" but it wasn't a fair question to her.

Her love for me was shown in what she did when she found out I was being abused. She got me out of there immediately. She never doubted me and she took immediate steps to keep me safe even though it meant uprooting her life for awhile.

Your love for your son is shown in what you did when you found out about the abuse, you immediately moved to protect him. Unfortunately there are plenty of parents who just ignore the signs that thier child is being abused.

Be there for your son. Make sure he knows he's not at fault, and make sure that YOU know you're not at fault either.

Best of luck.

-Eric
 
Michiko - my parents never noticed the changes in me and they were drastic! They just thought that I was turning into a typical 1970's teenager. They never did find out that I was abused as they both died of old age before I could tell anyone.

If I ever had children, I would like to think that it would never happen to them and that I would be able to spot the signs if it did.... you know I would be that impossible ideal super parent. I have frames of reference that you do not & I could still possibly miss the signs!

Don't beat yourself up...these perverts are expert tacticians at getting what they want!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Nao, Brian and Miko have been exposed as the work of a fraudster.
The topic has been closed

Lloydy
 
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