Feel like I cant achieved enough

[John Oarc]

No matter what I do, or how much I achieve in life it never seems to be enough. I am truly feeling peace in my life for once but the fact that I have this feeling of not being satisfied unless I cure cancer is a tough one to get over. I know that if I did cure cancer I would downplay it and start trying to do something else. Does anyone else have this problem? Is this the proper place for this post?

 

[Hauser]

I'm afraid to say that I'm the exact opposite of you John. I'm the classic underachiever. Everyone that knows me says things like "You would be a great teacher, or a public speaker, etc." Isn't that great. If I could just pass one college class maybe I could do these things.

 

[John Oarc]

Dave Thomas (Founder of Wendy's) comes to mind, he only had a GED. I am not trying to down higher education here. What is limiting your ability to pass a class? I woke up this morning and it was as if my mind was thinking or seeing through the molested side of my brain. Like my glasses were tainted, I am phasing in and out of what seems to be recovery and regression. My mind is trying to move forward and at times it still thinks with the fact that I was molested and I cant be worthy of anything, some days I think I am great and deserve good things and some days I dont. I dont think I have helped you, I wish I could say somthing that could be of more value to your problem, my codependency coming to the surface, lol I think wanting to help others should not be construed as codependency, only when it begins to hurt the helper should it be considered codependent. Thanks for your response.

 

[RICK57]

John - I still feel an under-achiever.

Until I was around 30, I worked in dead-end jobs and played in Rock Bands. I always just thought that if I stayed in the background, no one would bother me (I played rums in the band).

Problem was, people kept recognising that I was wasting my talents.

One Manager that I had when I was in my early 30s told me I should go and get a degree. I didn't, but he put me on a Further Education Course, one thing led to another & over the years I passed many courses. I won a National Supervisory Award in 1995 (only one winner per year for the whole country). I've since been employed by several multi-national companies in responsible positions.

That reads quite impressively when its written down. The problem is I still wonder what I might have achieved had this never happened! Really I just just try and forget that because I know that I am very lucky to have what I have!

It still doesn't stop me thinking that I have under-achieved, that there is something more I could do!

I suppose that I am doing the best I can with the hand I've been dealt!

Best wishes...Rik

 

[Kirk Wayne]

John

For many years I thought I was just a waster, this was mainly through my continual use of chemicals to hide the shame, hurt and disgust of my SA. When I got sober and clean I felt I had to achieve something for my own satisfaction (not for others like my father) so I did something I had wanted to do since a boy aged seven.

I do not class myself as being academic but I went back to school as I was expelled from my secondary school at the time I was being actively abused. I passed a course that would allow me to go onto university to study for a BA in Archaeology for three years, unfortunately just before sitting my final year exams my original abuser surfaced in the media and I collapsed mentally and physically causing me to miss my exams, fortunately I had done enough with my course work and excavation work that I was still awarded my degree, it may have not been a double first but it proved to me that if you have a love for a subject regardless of not being academic you can still acheive what you set out to do. It is my most pround moment recieving that tan peice of paper. And I can now honestly say I am a very good archaeologist and excavator. In the past I regarded myself as hopeless at everything I attempted. This proved me wrong.

Kirk
"Lets take this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"

 

[John Oarc]

Rik, when you said you were an under-achiever I thought you had a difficult time getting off the couch but it sounds like you are a lot like me, you just don't believe you have achieved when you have. Like I said no matter what I do, it is not enough to take the funk off of the SA, I still see myself a bit like an abused boy, thus it makes me think it is impossible for someone like me to achieve and I keep moving to the next great accomplishment and never recognize it as an accomplishement. My last great accomplishment should be to conquer this and recoginze myself without the SA. I must say that hearing from you guys makes me believe that men suffering from SA can achieve and that confirms to me that I can appreciate my accomplishments. An archeologist, a National Supervisory Award winner, we are great and I think I will start a post for everyone to report their accomplishments, a brag session on what we have done with SA hanging on for the ride.

 

[roadrunner]

John and others,

John you are a therapist so you would know better than me on this one, but I think all this boils down to our sense of worth: we so often feel that being abused signals how unworthy we are, and this shows up in all kinds of self-esteem issues.

It's insidious, because it hammers you no matter what you do. One guy thinks he is an overachiever and no triumph is enough. What's going on there? The feeling "I'm not good enough, I have to keep trying for higher goals". Another guy goes the SAME things and sees himself as an underachiever: "This was no good in the first place, I will never be worth anything".

I try to get past this by reminding myself that being abused MADE me feel this way and that this is a feeling I carry from childhood. And a feeling I have may not reflect reality. Many times they just feed into the trauma left by abuse.

I may FEEL worthless or uncapable of achievement, but that doesn't mean I AM worthless.

Had this been true, I would never have survived the abuse in the first place. That is my - and our - first are foremost proof of capacity for achievement.

Much love,
Larry

 

[John Oarc]

Larry, I am not that kind of therapist. I am in the healthcare profession but not psychology.

You are dead on with what you said, I feel like I have achieved a significant thing just by surviving my childhood. I have truly accomplished and I am begining to see it now more than ever with the help of others. We are like a band of brothers in my opinion and I am now thinking about attending a conference if at all possible. I am just glad to be able to talk to others who share the same experiences. I have never talked to anyone who has been molested.

 

[roadrunner]

John,

Oh okay, sorry I misunderstood you.

I am begining to see it now more than ever with the help of others.

That is so key bro. It's the first thing a new guy here sees - I am not alone. He sees other guys rejecting all sorts of feelings about themselves that he has accepted about himself for years, and he sees possibilities that he had never considered.

It is still hard work, but knowing you have support, understanding and genuine affection from others regardless of what crap you open up about - it's just great.

You won't regret you came here!

Much love,
Larry

 

[John Oarc]

Larry are you from Germany, and if so what is the statistics for Male SA over there?

 

[roadrunner]

John,

I teach in a German university yes, but I am an American of German and Native American descent married to a great Lebanese woman and the family is based near Oxford in the UK right now. Talk about identity crisis!

I don't know the stats for Germany, but I can check on that.

Much love,
Larry