Feel like crap now - rolled the dice & lost

[DanielQ432]

Possible TRIGGER Warning due to subject matter and graphic medical information.

Hi guys - I did something I probably should not have done, because ... I got an answer - maybe - to a question that has bothered me for literally 41 years. And, I didn’t like the answer I got. And now I feel like crap. At least, the negative emotional side of me, the one that is based in abuse, fear, self-hatred, is doing it’s typical thing, telling me I’m the worthless piece of crap I’ve always said I was ... in my father’s voice, if course.

Ok - here’s the deal. I bought an at-home semen analysis test kit. Because I’ve always questioned my literal fertility, as in “could I get a woman pregnant”. And, I’ve also questioned my adequacy, as in “size” as well as skill, as in masculinity, as in appearance/physique of my body, as well as “am I too ugly”.

At 12 1/2, I had a testicular torsion - which literally left me with one ball. And ... no one in the house of lies I grew up in even had the decency to tell me the truth about that - I wondered for years if the surgeon was able to save it (which would have been extremely unlikely since it had been probably 36 hours since onset when I was taken to the ER).

And, being a strong candidate for Father of the Century - well, only by the standards of Hell - dear old Dad, my abuser and tormentor, integrated that bit of sensitive information into his arsenal and weaponized it against me. After all, nothing says “Dad” like tormenting your teenage son over a medical issue completely beyond anyone’s control. Using that fact to further denigrate his sense of self and make him question his masculinity.

Anyway ... for years I had toyed with the idea of having a semen analysis done, but never had the courage to contact a urologist or fertility specialist- since I was never on the road to fatherhood, I figured they would think I was either a freak or pathetic, or both. Plus, frankly, it’s one thing to “wank off” as the Brits say in the privacy of your own home - quite another in some medical office bathroom with a thin, not-very-soundproof door and a medical assistant, lab tech, or nurse / no doubt female - waiting there for you to come out and hand over a specimen cup - uh, sorry, no, I’ve been through a lot of embarrassing medical exams and tests, but ... no, just no, to that.

So, the other day, I was looking up some information on symptoms of low testosterone levels - and stumbled across the fact that they now have kits to test a few basic parameters of male fertility at home.

I ordered one. It is called the YO home test kit. Last night, I did the test ... and it came back low sperm count. All this kit tells you is whether you have more or less than 6 million active sperm per ml of semen. But, aside from the number, it takes a short video of the sample at 400x magnification. The sample videos of normal sperm count tests show a lot of moving sperm.

The video of my sample is like a lifeless desert, with just a couole of stragglers.

Before I did the test, I told myself two things - 1) I was being dumb because the odds were high I would test “normal”, and 2) even if it came back low I wasn’t going to let it bother me.

Wrong - it’s really bothering me.

I know, it’s just a snapshot in time, and I’ve not exactly been doing the best things to promote healthy sperm ... like, soaking for 15 or 20 minutes 3 or 4 times a week in a hot tub, because I’m recovering from both a joint repair surgery and a rotator cuff injury, and the hot water really helped the pain of both of those.

 

[WG]

Well, Daniel, even if it is low, it only takes one......

 

[Ceremony]

Hello Daniel, I'm hoping that when you've shared how awful your father and the abuse was, and it's lingering effects today, there's a sense that you're understood. I understand obsession about my body, and have had a short time of late, working on it in therapy. I've had decades of obsession, triggers upon triggers, depth of pain I've never believed others can know, or would care? It's difficult to imagine that anyone would care that I was bullied pre-puberty and later, then so much else compounded it, including being raped. There's no natural part of what I think that makes sense to anyone, but me. And that's the rub, or the crux of how horrible this obsession has been for me. I hope that my emphasis about being alone with mine, and how horrible it's been, conveys how I believe you, how I can understand you, and my hope that by doing that, I'm offering that you're worthy to be believed and understood.

The pain has caused a loss in my life which, at this point, late in my life, I hate narrating. It would have been helpful in the first quarter of life, but now, nearing the end of middle age, I am wending my way while grieving the losses I have felt forced to live; as if imposed upon me. To have anyone fail to see that, increases my sense of impact that the loses have been imposed on me. There's too much emphasis from too many self willed, self directed, self important types who disdain/ridicule their perception of weakness.

Let me put it this way. A person who hasn't had to live your, or mine, or other trauma life, the way we did, has no idea what it means to have had others influence a degraded life like we've done. Suffice it to state, too few are capable of seeing through another's eyes while applying compassion to understand the circumstances which influence a trauma life. The effort to seem capable, and able to achieve things is hidden for the most part, but, the idea holds. That when someone judges another, about pulling themselves out of depression, or finding a job, or moving on from a relationship, or the passing of a loved one, there's a struggle there that none trauma lives won't have to endure. We can, and most do, have minds in which some battle plays out within.

When you describe the way you felt betrayed, and abused, I know those too, and I also know feeling less than, and worrying about a myriad of things that are substantial to my mind and life. It's led me to hold a broad empathy toward life struggles, and a view that sharing them has helped. That finding something to work on it, has helped. I'm sorry the low count puts more pain upon what You've suspected for decades. I can relate in other things with decades of pain. The struggle to manage physical issues while seeking to live is a hidden pain that feels overwhelming at times. the work I've been doing still feels hard to do, but I'm told it takes as long as it takes.

Oh well, maybe sharing more can keep me, and you, going.

 

[TJ jeff]

Hi Daniel,

I am sorry that you did not get the results you where hoping for - I hope that after a few days of processing it you can come away from it as "info" and NOT a declaration of impotence - perhaps once you are done with the hot water soaks you may indeed want to do the test again (I know heat made a huge difference in my test results)

I myself have had the test done twice (in the hospital setting) as there where questions due to things that had been done to me as a child - the tests where indeed able to answer my questions (and yes - it did take me a while to come to peace with the answer one of the tests concluded) - but... I do have a daughter who is testament to the proof that it can still happen no matter how small the odds