Fed up

HD001

Registrant
I’m fed up I’ve had it. I feel the only solution now is to try to detach emotionally from my husband so that I won’t hate him but also will no longer be hurt by his detachment. There aren’t a lot of resources online about how to do this. Divorce doesn’t feel like the answer. We have two small kids and I stay home with them. My husband is a good father. He holds a job, helps around the house etc. He however is incapable of intimacy, honest, and giving a crap about my feelings. When I try to talk to him he tends to shut down and no say much. He will say he will do something but then doesn’t do it. He doesn’t take accountability for his mistakes. He was molested when he was 12 and I just realized that his parents are emotionally abusive to him. He works for them and they treated him like crap. He has been mistreated his whole life but it’s been 13 years and I’m out of patience.
i try to get him to change jobs. I tell him we should move away but he won’t do it. I’m tired of being in a marriage that has no depth to it. We work fine together with the day to day but there is no intimacy and I’m so lonely. He has gone to therapy a few times and will start to act like a normal person after a few months but then always quits going. This has happened 3 times. I’m to the point that I wish I never met him. He lies about stupid stuff so I feel like I can’t trust him and he will have the nerve to act hurt about it. He is always the victim. I just really want to detach and let go of my expectations that he is ever going to be capable of a loving relationship. I’m in the process of trying to find therapy for myself that we can afford but due to corona his pay has taken a major hit and we are already struggling. I can’t stand his parent. His mother is an ice box and only cares about appearances. She is is the definition of passive aggressive and she taught her my husband those behaviors. When I am upset he will ask me what’s wrong but as soon as he finds out that it’s because of some lie he told he shuts down. I don’t even know the whole thing is ridiculous. I just needed to vent to someone my family is far away and I feel like I married into an insane asylum.
 

KMCINVA

Registrant
HD001

I sense anger in your words. Trauma survivors do not respond well to anger, it reinforces the memories of the abuse. You are doing right trying to seek help for yourself. Both survivor and family need to seek therapy-survivor to heal, family to understand how to interact with the survivor. It is not easy for other side. He needs to feel safe, talk needs to be one where both sides are listening--no demands, no telling who is right or wrong or this is the way it is. You judge his family and at the same time need to look at your family on how they influenced you. You are seeing yourself as a victim as he sees himself.

I hope therapy for both will help both of you to see there is a path to heal.

Kevin
 
I am so sorry for what you are going through. You matter and what you need matters. You have such a difficult road to walk as you try to do right by your husband, your kids and yourself. It probably feels like there is no way to make it all work.

You have needs which are deep and true to who you are. But you are married to man who can't or won't meet those needs for you. So I would offer, very gently, that continuing to take those needs to him is not fair to him or you. I have not read the book, but have heard great things about the book "Co Dependent Nomore". I believe it is about disentangling from someone with whom you have a dysfunctional relationship. Even if you and your husband are not co-dependent perhaps there are aspects of the book which might help.

Again I am so sorry for what you are going through.
 

md4e

Registrant
I am so sad that you are experiencing this in your marriage. I too have been in a 3+decade marriage to a man that sounds so much like your husband. My husband doesn't lie, tho he will not follow thru with things. I know he loves me. I can say it has been a very difficult road at times. Yes yes find a therapist to talk to. It is what has saved me(and the marriage). I needed to learn that expectations are the hardest. The thing we can expect is safety. Learning good boundaries. Because if your boundaries are continuing to be crossed...something to look at, but they need to be clear. Living with unhealed trauma is crazy making. Words and actions need to match. For our spouse life wasn't/isn't that way. Plus he is still involved with family thru work...wow that's a tough one.
I have learned to focus on what is good about us...we work together on non-intimate things really well, Love each other and our family, and I see the man I know is inside him come out at times...gosh I love him!!
It is all really unfair, you are in a way paying the price of others crimes...just like him. Give the both of you grace. And with children focus on giving them a stable foundation. Find ways to calm the rage. Find ways to give to yourself. Hang on to the moments of intimacy between you. And sometimes just flat out find ways to forget it all. Grab a friend, go do something in the outdoors etc.
I won't tell you all this is easy, it's damn near impossible some days. Then I pick up all my marbles that I've lost and start over.
I say be mad at the perpetrator not him, he is responsible for his actions tho. But in some crazy way he's not. Love does heal and get us through. Find articles to read, videos to watch. Cheryl Fidelman on YouTube I've really ejoyed and psychology today online is a life saver.
I truly wish you peace and ease........i see you
D
 
I appreciate your signature line... Everything comes from within

That is the absolute truth but it is easy to forget when faced with disappointment and dismissal in people we love. Everything you say makes complete sense to a trauma survivor who has been married and divorced FOUR times. I was incapable of intimacy but kept trying to find the solace, love, safety I so desperately needed. Those women all loved me but it wasn't enough. The demons continued to speak to me and I did as they asked because they'd been running the show since I was a little boy.

md4e speaks the truth, but I note you've been here for many years and have hundreds of posts contributed to the site, most likely to this thread. You know this is an uphill battle you're engaged in with your husband and his family. If you're going to survive yourself it WILL have to come from within. You doubtless love your children and wish to care for them. You also need to care for yourself as D outlines. What that looks life is unclear, especially at this time when social distancing is the norm. Certainly talking about your feelings here is a good thing. I hope our responses will help. You have no need to believe you're doing anything wrong.

Caring for yourself is really the first order of business... remembering the instructions the flight attendant gives to put on your own mask before putting masks on your kids. I'll throw out the idea that just popped into my mind. Perhaps attending a few Alanon meetings would help, even though you're not dealing with an alcoholic husband. I know from listening to friends who attend those meetings that there is great support for people dealing with family members who are challenging. They are very good at setting boundaries and self-care. Because of COVID they're offering virtual meetings through a number of providers, from telephone to face-to-face. You might want to check them out. Much of what you speak about with your husband could be mentioned at a 12 Step meeting without needing to speak about the sexual abuse. Here's a link for you to check out if you wish.

 

HD001

Registrant
Thank you all for taking the time to offer support. I was really angry when I made this post and I needed to vent. His parents are definitely emotionally abusive. I had my suspicions but waited 13 years before bringing it up to him since I wanted to be pretty sure before I said anything. I realize it’s a serious accusation. There were so many odd and dysfunctional behaviors I witnessed over the years. In isolation each could be explained away but recently things had escalated. He has confirmed my suspicions. In the past I reached out to his mother for support when he was spiraling. Now I feel terrible because I was reaching out to one of his abusers. I didn’t know. I thought she would be a concerned mom. And she has the resources to get her son whatever help he might need. As a mother myself I would want to know if one my kids was struggling so I could offer support. A lot of things make more sense now. I’ll keep on seeking recovery for myself. It’s a mess. I wish all of you success in your own battles.
 

Upintheair

Registrant
HD001 it’s ok to feel angry. This stuff is hard. And reaching out for help is good. We can’t process it all alone. It’s just too much sometimes. I get angry some days and I’ve said things I wish I hadn’t. I get mad because my husband isn’t willing to try therapy, support groups, or anything like that. Our marriage counselor, who we only see because I told him he had two options - counseling or divorce, tries very cautiously to coax him into getting help..... but he just won’t. I get angry because his mom is incapable of handling her own emotions let alone helping him. I don’t know if he will ever be able to disclose to her. I get angry because my own mother has no boundaries and I can’t talk to her about anything I’m not comfortable with everyone in her life knowing about. I get angry because I want to start fostering children, but my husband always finds an excuse to delay it while saying he definitely wants to. And since he’s refusing to get therapy I’m pretty sure that’s not going to change. I feel helpless. And some days I think about what I would do if I left. I’m not ready to leave because this is the most supportive relationship I’ve ever had, despite its problems. Im not happy to live completely without physical intimacy, but it’s not the worst thing I could be dealing with. I don’t know... I guess I’m trying to say I understand how frustrating this all can be. hang in there. Get help and support for yourself. Some days my Betterhelp therapist is the only thing saving me from losing it.
 
I'm so glad this place exists where we can express challenging feelings. And no, none of this is easy for any of us, survivors AND our friends and family. Hang in and keep talking to one another. There is no magic wand and we may face very difficult decisions, but it is helpful simply to be able to express one's feelings. All the best... to each of us.
 

dext

Registrant
I've said this on another post recently.. 1in6.org has a spot for friends and family of survivors under the get information part of its page.. Check it out.
 
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