Fear
Since I disclosed the sexual abuse of my childhood last year, I have had an all-consuming fear of authority figures, particularly law enforcement officers. I guess because they represent the ultimate authority figures. It is driving me crazy. Every day, I wake up with that fear, live throughout the day with it, go to sleep thinking about it. Every little transgression I commit, no matter how small, I quickly manage to think it into something so much larger and live in literal fear that I will be imprisoned for it. It's irrational, but I cannot shake it. No matter how hard I try to reason with myself, I cannot be changed.
I've tried examining the cause. Was it because my father was physically abusive? True, he was THE authority figure all the years I was growing up. And still is. I still fear my father, even now that I'm 44 years of age and he is an old man of 69, crippled with emphysema. I fear him every bit as much today as I did as a child. I have that fear of what he will do if he finds me out. I guess it's because these general feelings of fear remind me so much of what it was like being fearful as a child.
I feared my brother, who sexually molested me. I still fear him now as well. Fear his control, fear his domination of my entire life, fear his ability to wreak havoc. I haven't seen him since Christmas (and that was the first time since June), but still, every day, there's fear. Fear of him returning some how.
I was arrested once (falsely) when I was 20. My first wife and I were driving home and a policeman pulled us over. There had been some vandalism to a car in the neighborhood and they suspected us. He had me get out of the car and place my hands on the trunk of my car. He searched me and then had me place my hands behind my back while he handcuffed me. I can remember so well now how horrible that felt, knowing I had done nothing wrong, but being dominated again. He then put me in the back of the police car while he talked to my now hysterical wife. Finally, he came and got me out of the back of the car and let us go. It was surreal, but I can remember it like it was last week. The fear. Fear of what was to become of me, fear of having no control.
Those same fears consume me again now, and have for 8 months now. I CANNOT LET GO OF THE FEAR. I see it as something inevitable that will come to pass, my doom, my destruction. I pull the drapes closed often when I'm at home, thinking it will somehow keep them all at bay. I hate living in fear. It robs me of feeling like a man, it robs me every day of a day of my life that could have been spent better. I hate living with this fear.
I've tried examining the cause. Was it because my father was physically abusive? True, he was THE authority figure all the years I was growing up. And still is. I still fear my father, even now that I'm 44 years of age and he is an old man of 69, crippled with emphysema. I fear him every bit as much today as I did as a child. I have that fear of what he will do if he finds me out. I guess it's because these general feelings of fear remind me so much of what it was like being fearful as a child.
I feared my brother, who sexually molested me. I still fear him now as well. Fear his control, fear his domination of my entire life, fear his ability to wreak havoc. I haven't seen him since Christmas (and that was the first time since June), but still, every day, there's fear. Fear of him returning some how.
I was arrested once (falsely) when I was 20. My first wife and I were driving home and a policeman pulled us over. There had been some vandalism to a car in the neighborhood and they suspected us. He had me get out of the car and place my hands on the trunk of my car. He searched me and then had me place my hands behind my back while he handcuffed me. I can remember so well now how horrible that felt, knowing I had done nothing wrong, but being dominated again. He then put me in the back of the police car while he talked to my now hysterical wife. Finally, he came and got me out of the back of the car and let us go. It was surreal, but I can remember it like it was last week. The fear. Fear of what was to become of me, fear of having no control.
Those same fears consume me again now, and have for 8 months now. I CANNOT LET GO OF THE FEAR. I see it as something inevitable that will come to pass, my doom, my destruction. I pull the drapes closed often when I'm at home, thinking it will somehow keep them all at bay. I hate living in fear. It robs me of feeling like a man, it robs me every day of a day of my life that could have been spent better. I hate living with this fear.
