Fear sex, nudity and women. My story.
Hi all,
This is my first post after browsing the forum for many days. First, please let me extend my gratitude for the many who shared their experiences here which I could relate to in many ways as a victim of female abuse. I would like to share something I went through as well... ..I have come here because I have come to time in my life where I feel extremely lonely and cut off from the world and quite frankly I am looking for answers to understand why I am different and lack the human and social aspects that come so naturally to others.
I can understand also the trauma I went through could be considered mild in comparison to other survivor stories but it has extremely limited my personal and social life and would love to hear anyone who can add some insight.
Basically I have NEVER been in a relationship my entire life despite being in my mid-30s. Any dates have been superficial and I would usually go on a date every couple years just to appear normal to friends and family but never had any intention in getting into a lasting relationship. The reason being I am afraid of all kinds of women, young and old and the thought of sex causes me to run as far away as possible. However I have a libido and enjoy sexual energy in general. Now to my story:
Although I was a very shy and sensitive kid growing up, I believe this phobia of sex and the female gender has its roots in an incident that happened when I was around 9 or 10 years old. I remember playing doctor one time with my half-sister one year older then me. I didn't really understand the boundaries between boys and girls as I grew up in a house full of mostly women and was rarely let outside to play with boys my age. But one evening I remember we were bored and my step-sister suggested we show each other our private parts. Nothing else happened except we examined what the 'funny' thing between our legs were and I think I touched it out of curiosity and that was it. I didn't think it was a big deal at the time but the next day I was up for a rude awakening and what would be a very traumatic experiences for me. My half-sister decided to tell our other older sister about our curiosity game who told my mother who ended up telling my grandmother. We were beaten with every wire in the house and I was called every name in the book from 'disgusting pig' 'vile creature' 'devil child' etc.......Most of the abuse was directed towards me and not my step-sister for some reason despite both of us being there at the time.......The physical and mental abuse went on for days, each time my mother would say she would tell me Father as well so he could join in on humiliating me for being the 'gross one in the family'............ It even went on to an extent that if even me and my step-sister were casually in a room doing homework or reading books, my mother would burst in accusing us of doing 'nasty things' and demanding to see my step-sisters underwear to inspect. As I come from a very conservative and religious family I remember my mother telling me I would go to hell if I touched another girl. My mother would also refer to my male part using derogatory words which must have caused me to become dissociated from my body as well. All this was really too much, I was just an innocent kid and here I was being accused of being some kind of rapist and disgusting human being.... it really scared me to death. From that day onwards I associated any kind of sexuality and nudity with pain, disgust and humiliation. This obsession in staying pure and avoiding sex continued into high school and college and developed to such an extreme that if a family member was around and a women in a bikini came on the TV I would quickly change the channel lest I be accused of being a dirty person. This experience caused me to shut down in the relationship department and fear women would betray me, humiliate, falsely accuse, vilify etc.
I feel my mothers outbursts and overreaction to that incident denied me the right to be a sexual being and enjoy my masculinity. I feel deficient in every sphere of my life have a very low self-esteem and deep anxiety with relationships which I link back to this incident as well........ I would love to have a beautiful wife at my side and children one day but don't know if I can handle the pressure and anxiety of sex and intimacy especially as I have never trusted anyone to be that close.
Any feedback, comments or advise would be very very much appreciated! Thank you ALL!
This is my first post after browsing the forum for many days. First, please let me extend my gratitude for the many who shared their experiences here which I could relate to in many ways as a victim of female abuse. I would like to share something I went through as well... ..I have come here because I have come to time in my life where I feel extremely lonely and cut off from the world and quite frankly I am looking for answers to understand why I am different and lack the human and social aspects that come so naturally to others.
I can understand also the trauma I went through could be considered mild in comparison to other survivor stories but it has extremely limited my personal and social life and would love to hear anyone who can add some insight.
Basically I have NEVER been in a relationship my entire life despite being in my mid-30s. Any dates have been superficial and I would usually go on a date every couple years just to appear normal to friends and family but never had any intention in getting into a lasting relationship. The reason being I am afraid of all kinds of women, young and old and the thought of sex causes me to run as far away as possible. However I have a libido and enjoy sexual energy in general. Now to my story:
Although I was a very shy and sensitive kid growing up, I believe this phobia of sex and the female gender has its roots in an incident that happened when I was around 9 or 10 years old. I remember playing doctor one time with my half-sister one year older then me. I didn't really understand the boundaries between boys and girls as I grew up in a house full of mostly women and was rarely let outside to play with boys my age. But one evening I remember we were bored and my step-sister suggested we show each other our private parts. Nothing else happened except we examined what the 'funny' thing between our legs were and I think I touched it out of curiosity and that was it. I didn't think it was a big deal at the time but the next day I was up for a rude awakening and what would be a very traumatic experiences for me. My half-sister decided to tell our other older sister about our curiosity game who told my mother who ended up telling my grandmother. We were beaten with every wire in the house and I was called every name in the book from 'disgusting pig' 'vile creature' 'devil child' etc.......Most of the abuse was directed towards me and not my step-sister for some reason despite both of us being there at the time.......The physical and mental abuse went on for days, each time my mother would say she would tell me Father as well so he could join in on humiliating me for being the 'gross one in the family'............ It even went on to an extent that if even me and my step-sister were casually in a room doing homework or reading books, my mother would burst in accusing us of doing 'nasty things' and demanding to see my step-sisters underwear to inspect. As I come from a very conservative and religious family I remember my mother telling me I would go to hell if I touched another girl. My mother would also refer to my male part using derogatory words which must have caused me to become dissociated from my body as well. All this was really too much, I was just an innocent kid and here I was being accused of being some kind of rapist and disgusting human being.... it really scared me to death. From that day onwards I associated any kind of sexuality and nudity with pain, disgust and humiliation. This obsession in staying pure and avoiding sex continued into high school and college and developed to such an extreme that if a family member was around and a women in a bikini came on the TV I would quickly change the channel lest I be accused of being a dirty person. This experience caused me to shut down in the relationship department and fear women would betray me, humiliate, falsely accuse, vilify etc.
I feel my mothers outbursts and overreaction to that incident denied me the right to be a sexual being and enjoy my masculinity. I feel deficient in every sphere of my life have a very low self-esteem and deep anxiety with relationships which I link back to this incident as well........ I would love to have a beautiful wife at my side and children one day but don't know if I can handle the pressure and anxiety of sex and intimacy especially as I have never trusted anyone to be that close.
Any feedback, comments or advise would be very very much appreciated! Thank you ALL!