Fear of Judgement

Fear of Judgement
T

Teft

Registrant
I am new here and want to just start out by saying that I have been working with my past memories and I realize that I have severe anger because of my abuse. And when I think of where the anger comes from I see that it comes from fear. And I see that my fear comes from my mother and father "judging" me constantly when I was between 9 and 12. I couldn't do anything right in their eyes. They made me responsible for all "their" problems and unhappiness. My mother abused me emotionally and sexually and my father emotionally and physically. I was and still feel a great deal of fear when I think about my past. It feels like I'm no good. The fear comes first closely followed by anger. And the anger is BIG! I couldn't express it when I was little, so I held it all in. I need to work on it now. It is the core problem I'm facing right now.

Thanks and take care,
Teft
 
Wow, that's a pretty astute bit of self-analysis. It took me a long time to figure out that my anger evolves from my fears. And when I figured it out I then had something I could work with. But damned if we don't have the right to feel anger!! The people who were supposed to protect us ended up being those who hurt us most.

You don't really pose a question but I'm guessing you're wondering what to do with the anger. If you're seeing a therapist (highly recommended) maybe he/she could help you to channel that energy into something productive. Either way, now that you realize it for what it is, keep reminding yourself of that. When I think about my parents, who abused me physically, emotionally and psychologically, or when I think about the people who sexually abused me, my fears come to the surface immediately, then they turn into anxiety an sometimes anger. I have to take time to breath deeply, in and out, and try to calm myself. I have to realize that the abuse is over and I am now working on becoming the whole person I have the potential to be. What they did in the past isn't happening anymore, can't happen anymore. Those people who hurt me are stuck where they are, I am moving on. Sometimes living a better life is the best revenge. Those realizations help me to calm myself and get on with my day, my life. I hope some of this has been helpful. I wish you a safe journey. - John
 
I understand what you're going through. It seems like the anger is there--some guys point it outward, others inward. My parents were (and still are) the critical, judgemental types. They're better than everybody. My mom couldn't give a complement or a thank you even if she were just thrown a rope as she hung by a branch off a cliff. And my dad needed perfection out of us so he'd look good. My dad said he would have been a better father if I hadn't been me. So I've lived my life "never good enough". There's a book I really liked called "Never Good Enough: Freeing Yourself From the Chains of Perfectionism" by Monica Basco. But it didn't fix the problem with my parents.

Recently I've realized how poisonous my parents still are. They show up and I die inside. So I'm taking a vacation from them. They've gotten the picture, and they've stopped calling. It's something I have to do to be free of them.

That thing in your head that says "you're no good" is a lie. They trained us to be bad, that we're worthless, insignificant, and we'll never be good enough. It was a lie. You're good enough. It was a strong move to share your anger with us. I'm angry at your parents, and I don't even know them.

Write as much as you feel comfortable doing. We're here to listen. It's getting that anger outside that takes away their power.
 
Teft,

You already know that the anger is there and that you need to get it out. You know, it is OK that you are angry. I think you are justified, not that you need any justification for the way you feel. It is mportant to express that anger. I think the anger stays in our bodies like a poison when we don't express it. It can lead to all sorts of bad things - IMO. Better to get rid fo that stuff than to let it hang around and fester. There are many ways you can exercise those demons - physical activity, art, screaming, etc. I urge you to explore your options and get the stuff out of your system.
 
I know we're supposed to post poems in the poetry section but I thought it might be appropriate to post this here. Not only is it an expression of the anger I felt when I wrote it, but an example of what you might do with your anger when it comes up, in order to validate it and get it out of your system....

I hate what they did.
I hate how they did it.
I hate how they hid it.
I hate that they tricked me.
I hate that they hurt that boy.
I hate that they didn't care.
I hate that they don't care.
I hate that I can't make it better.
I hate that I have to make it better for someone else.
I hate that I have to tell someone else.
I hate them, I HATE them, in the deepest sense I HATE THEM!!
I hate that I have to make it better....
 
Teft,

Fear, Shame, and other related emotions can have a wide range of effects. I do not know how much you have studied, so at the risk of repeating things you know, have you heard about PTSD? It is not just common for people in the military, it is common for survivors, and elevated for people with borderline, bipolar, etc. The really good news is that therapy has proven to be highly effective on PTSD.

My own work and that with therapists have brought this almost all under control. I don't have to control everything, don't have to be better then everyone, don't have to be the baddest a** in town anymore. I was so blind to so much. I am not fixed totally or anything - oh no, but I feel and get feedback from people that I fit in better, share common experiences real time, I feel if not totally normal, at least normal enough that people don't shun me because I'm wired and unpleasant.

It's a lot to talk about, so, I'll just leave it at that. I hope I was able to say something constructive for you.

W
 
Hi Teft, The other day I was in Goodwill, and found a book on anger. I don't know if it is any good (I haven't read it yet), but here it is anyway. Angry Men, Passive Men by Marvin Allen with Jo Robinson. The subtitle is Understanding the roots of men's anger and how to move beyond it.
 
Hello Teft, I always wondered if there was any SA on the part of my family but could never pin point it. The abuse from my family was emotionally not SA. The SA came in another way as I explain in previous post eleswhere! But the emotion abuse I got home help me fall into SA from a Friend! Your story about your life between the ages of 9 and 12 does sound a lot like mine. My Mother was always overprotetive of me and my Father was never around to act as a check and balance against her. He was always out having a good time somewhere as My Mom ran rampared over my young life. She seem to always put me down by always comparing me with my friends by saying you don't measure up to them. She would say things like look how skinny you are compared to other kids my age. You can't play football, the other kids will run all over you. I had cousins my age and she would say the same things. She was always comparing me to everyone else and telling me how inferior I was to them. She did all this several times in front of my friends and cousins! It worked as I always seem to feel inferior and always lacked a lot of confidence in my self esteen. I always got beat up in school.
Then when I reached the age of 15 or 16 I did start to rebel a little. I started to realize that I was good in sports and that I wasn't the push over I thought I was. This brought out a lot of anger in me as I started to over step my bounds a little. Now I was getting in fights that I started to try and prove myself to shake off the wimpy reputation that my mother built for me. Then one day when I was 17 I picked on the wrong guy who was too big for me and he gave me a beaten I never got over to this day. This beating sent me back emotionally to when I was that skinny 9 year old kid that my Mother said was useless! I blame my Mother for this as she made me try to shake off this lack of confidence she built for me.
Today my mother is still alive and she is in her 90's living in a Nursing Home. Sometimes I have to push myself to visit her. She always put my older Brother over me saying how smart he was and how sucessful he will be. Guess what? He's been divorced twice, and is an alcoholic. Im the only one who gave her Grandchildren and I find myself saying that she didn't derseve this gift from God. I sometimes wish she would Die and get out of my life for good. Other times I feel love for her. She has outlived not only my Dad , but all her 8 other siblings. I find myself thinking that this is God's wish to let her live alone and to suffer in old age because of the way she hurt me mentally and also physicially as a Boy. God forgive me but this is exactly the way I feel!
 
Thanks to everyone for your kind replies. I have been out of action for about a week and finally got back to reply. Your comments are very helpful and I feel this is a great place to be honest and learn too. Really depressed lately. Trying to process a lot of new memories.

Take care and talk to you soon,
Teft
 
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