Fear of emotional incest with my daughter--trigger

fhorns

Registrant
It's been months since I've written about this. Last summer I wrote about my fears/terror of using my daughter like my mother did. I even asked to be signed up for the At Risk forum since it's so shameful. I'm really glad this forum is here now.

It's obvious now, to me, that I was only one of my siblings who dealt with this, but my mom used us as she would have used a mate--like we were ones who could do it. Never physical for me, but very emotional. HOW CAN ONE DESCRIBE BEING ASKED TO LIE IN BED WITH HIS MOTHER AT EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD!!!??? WHY?? HOW??? WHY????

And now I'm back in MS. I was with my daughter moments ago, and yuck--it feels sick. She's four years old. It was simple dialog, but she relates to me like....yuck...like she is my closest confidante. And this is sick, but it's been like a survival line. But it's f***king her up!!! My wife--her mother--is more distant than all getout. I take responsibility for that, especially today (I've been angry/resentful around my wife. MUCH is relavent as I've read posts here). And I've basically been seeing/hearing/treating my wife like she's mom. I actually called her "mother" to my daughter last week. My wife said "mother?". I knew she heard it. Couldn't retract it.

I guess what I'm not needing are coping "methods", like instructions on how to live when the problem is emotionally based. No. I'm in need to uncover this old ugly bag of shit. I've f**king looked at it myself for years, stuffing my attraction to women due to shames associated with sex. God, I'm barely aware of how me and my wife had sex for our daughter. It was early in our marriage, before the reality of the SA was big. Because I rarely ask, sex happens maybe once a month. Anger and uncomfortableness are in me each night in bed.

So, as of today, and like most of my days, I'm filled with rage because HER NEEDS WERE MORE IMPORTANT THAN MINE!!!!!!!(my mom's) DAMMIT! I'm constantly on this shifting sand with my wife, and this bag of stinking shit is STILL THERE!! AM I LETTING IT CONTROL ME OR WHAT???? IS IT MY FAULT?? WHERE THE HELL DO I GO WITH THIS??

This post wasn't all about my daughter, but I've unravelled the truth about it. I'll be back I'm sure. NEEDING HELP TO PURSUE THERAPY SINCE IT'S SO DAMN EXPENSIVE!!
 
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Trucker51

Registrant
Welcome back to MS, my man. Wish that you didn't have to come back, but this is a good place to come back to. I hear you on the being angry or resentful around your wife and the seeming degradation of confident intimacy over time. I have had my own struggles learning to love again for the 2nd time since therapy, and we don't have any kids either.

It sounds like you need to look into your boundary and shame issues some more, and your issues with low self-esteem. If you haven't read it yet, a book that helped me with my own recovery was SELF ESTEEM, by Matthew McKay, PH.D, that is available at many major bookstores. Or take a look through John Bradshaw's book THE FAMILY too, for help with some of your upbringing issues. It sounds like you are upset with yourself, though to other people it seems like you are angry at them.

There is a great forgiveness thread that was posted September 20th last Fall I believe by King Tut that you might look through also. Ken Singer, LCSW also shared that chapter of his soon to be released book in that topic too. It sounds like you could use some help with forgiving yourself.

Hope that this helps, and hope that you can enjoy the level of support here that you were once accustomed to.

Have hope,

Mark
 

fhorns

Registrant
Mark,
I am so stuck today. I opened up a book I've been reading about forgiveness, yesterday I read the long post by King Tut. I'm in a shitty place right now since maybe I am blaming myself. I'm not myself today, nor was I yesterday. Yesterday I was told by a man I've known for about 2 months that I looked "really down". Today, a lady from church said I looked like I was "deep in thought".

Then I thought about what you wrote. I blame myself for this dream, that project, this goal, that relationship, this conversation....not being successful, not feeling right. Today I am/was in a "let's fix something" because nothing seems to be going right (that was short lived) I criticized my wife as soon as I got home from church. I wanted her to know what kind of pain I was in--because I couldn't fix it. It just feels weird. I always thought forgiveness went with nice feelings. Maybe? Maybe not.

This is vaguely familiar. Maybe I'm not pushing stuff down? I'm just me. Angry, scared, hurt, scared, scared, hurt, scared again. No fluffing (bullshitting myself). No need.

I'm in a unfamiliar, unfixable spot right now.

Thanks for being there.

Alfred
 

Trucker51

Registrant
Take a look through a public survivor forum topic written by Taz64 yesterday entitled "How Do You Find The Balance"? Joel had a good comment or two there that I think that you might find helpful.

Maybe try to distract yourself with something fun, and maybe get your wife some nice flowers and a card. You have got to distract yourself away from your self-directed anger. I think that it goes back to things that you can control and things that weren't your fault. What happened to you as a kid wasn't your fault.

My wife just called me for supper, and I had better get going. I'll think more about this and get back to you on it later. Until then take it easy and try to do something fun for yourself. And maybe head out to the store and get some flowers.

Mark
 

bec

Registrant
fhorns:


in my state we have publicly-funded or i need say state-funded mental health services available. any resident of the state can go there to receive therapy. and, all the fees are income-based. meaning the fees are affordable.

at the bottom of the fee scale some patients pay as little as $5- per session. why don't you find out if your state offers the same thing. it clearly sounds like you need the help.

and, PLEASE do get help before your precious little girl winds up getting wounded from the psychological battles you and your wife face. God bless,




bec
 

fhorns

Registrant
Bec,
I'm presently doing therapy with a woman using EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). It is really bringing lots of shit to the surface, and after all the years of being non-productive in counselor's offices, I am finding actual relief, one moment or day at a time.

I haven't posted about my journey with EFT yet because I'm new in it. But I've done a lot of research on it. I actually found it after doing EMDR years back. But EFT can attack the memories (and the FEELINGS) directly.

I posted this almost two months back, and I was seeking a therapist then. Thus, the memory of doing EFT once in a counselor's office while seeking EMDR treatment came up. I walked out of the office that day, and for at least an hour I felt like "shit! something was lifted". But I insisted on using EMDR.

All in all, I would really really love to dialogue with guys who have used it. Thanks.

Alfred
 
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