Fear is My Enemy

[KMCINVA]

I have great fears from my last ordeal of despair and hopelessness. I am working hard to put life in order but I still have moments that the thoughts of death return. These thoughts are not overwhelming or all consuming, but they are there.

I think fear keeps these thoughts with me. I fear being triggered, I fear hearing another tale about my unraveling without hearing of the CSA, I fear hearing the voice or seeing the people who triggered me and pushed me to despair. I have my door open but the fear of what may be said or how they will treat me, scares me. I never want to go back and feel the depths of pain and hopelessness that I felt or so long. It is a horrible feeling and I hope I never make anyone feel the way I felt.

I do not have fear of what is lost and the rebuilding I must do-I accept this and realize I can do it. But the fears enter my mind and I fear those who in the past pushed me to despair will take away the hope and belief that I can rebuild. It is kind of circular and do not want to fear people or fear what they might do--it is debilitating at times and I am fighting with all my might to move forward and rebuild. No person should make another person feel crippled.

Does anyone else have fears that are holding them back or impeding them from moving forward. I do not like this feeling of being scared or afraid--

Kevin

 

[Duckie]

deleted

 

[KMCINVA]

I realized this today--I freeze when this fear hits me. In the past it could last for hours but I have been working on it and it is much shorter lived. I just hate the way my body feels when this fear overtakes. I feel like my body is clenching and a very unsettling feeling takes over--immobilizing me. I lived with it for so long, I accepted it--but now that I am trying to challenge myself I fear it. But fear is not good.

I will continue to work on it. I described it to someone and they said it sounded like anxiety attacks.

 

[Michael1965]

Fear completely dominates my life and the decisions I make. I have worked and worked and make no progress. I have resigned myself to the fact that this is how it is meant to be. There is no hope and death dominates my thoughts. Only in death will I find the peace that has eluded me all of my life.

 

[SmartShadow]

((Kevin)), ((Iaccus)) and ((Michael)),
it can get better you are not alone in this.
Truth is death is not the real answer. Life is the answer. The question is how do we get out of the traps we are in, to get to a better place and protect what we have gained so as not to just keep repeating the debilitating cycle.

I have some thought about this and think this is a good discussion to have.

I know we are all a bit different and find certain thing work for us better then others. So I can't say I have the answers but I will share some observations to help get the discussion going.

Idea 1
I have found that thinking about certain problems in the wrong way can be part of the problem and fuels the fire so to speak. .

But if I have all of these fears what can I do?
I think positive self talk it one thing that works for me. This is not a trick of the mind it's more like instruction for the mind and may sound something like this.

Wow I am so afraid right now. I should do some deep breathing and calm down a bit so I can make some sense of this.... Have I been triggered some how? What am I really feeling? Do I have something unresolved that's eating away at me? Am I in any real danger right now? More breathing... What can I do to get my mid off of this? That sort of thing.

The amazing thing about the human mind is we talk to it and give it instruction even if we don't know were are doing it. If we say I am afraid. That translates as an instruction and our mind will respond by getting ready for what ever were are afraid of. This is a problem because now we just get more and more amped. Like fead back. Instead we need to retrain ourself to ask why am I feeling afraid and am I safe.

Remember "feeling are not reality"
It's like a gage or light on your car dash. A light come on high temp. Could be low water. Could be a failing thermostat. It could be a bad sensor. Could be the light never came on because it's burnt out. Point is we need more information to understand what's real.
I think a lot of what happens for csa and trauma victims is that we get stuck sending old unresolved data to the dash board. It's unresolved because it was too much and still is.

I ask my self always in the positive and never in the negative. This is important because the mind will process the solution differently.

If I say, I don't feel well. The mind will process and agree.
If I say, how can I feel better? The mind will start to formulas solutions.

So if feeling are neither bad or good rather they are trying to give us information that something's going on, how do I figure out what's really going on.

One of the best questions you can ask your self.
What's really going on?
And
What do I need to do right now?
And
Do I need to take a brake from all of this?


Idea 2
Puzzles
I use all kinds to sharpen my mind but also to distract my self.
I do my best and gentlest processing when part of my mind is distracted.
I think it help stop the fead back loop.