Fear and trust (POSSIBLE TRIGGERS!)

[crisispoint]

These are the things I struggle with - fear and trust.

Fear: That which I'm afraid of. I'm an adult. I shouldn't be afraid of relatively safe situations (public bathrooms, etc.), but I am. Of course, I was raped also as an adult, but I'm talking about commonplace situations. I shouldn't be nervous when I'm in a bathroom and there's one other man there. Yet, I suffer from "shy bladder" and have to be aware of where this man is at all times.

Trust: That is, believing that others wish me no harm in usual circumstances, and I wish them no harm. This too, I fight with, because in a nutshell, I trust NOBODY. I come close, and there are people here and in my life that I would lay down my life for, and I'm pretty sure they would for me, but I can't trust people, even those I love, completely because I was hurt by people I trusted. Burn your hand one too many times, you flinch when you see fire. ANd I also fear that I can become an abuser, which is an old chestnut, but an important one. I can't care about children or teens in my life without "running the checklist" (making sure my feelings are "wholesome") to make sure it's okay, that I'M okay. Yes, the COA, but it's a concern.

Will I ever get over the fear? Slowly, I think. It takes time, and the realization that, for the most part, I can keep myself safe (and know I will kick the @$$ of anyone who EVER tries to hurt me again, even if it costs me my life). Will I ever completely trust? Well, that's a different story. I'm working on it, and there are people (as I said earlier) who I can say I trust, but it's qualified. I feel okay about myself, that I'm a good, caring person who'd never DREAM of hurting another person, but I always have that damn fear, because most abusers were abused. My personal experience. I trust, I get hurt, therefore it's better to have that shield up at least partway. I'm a bad person, a dirty person because I liked certain aspects of my relationship with Mr. P, and I wanted sex with another man so I will become a bad, dirty person like those @$$holes because they said I wanted it.

I'm rambling, but does anybody else fight with this? I'm sure yes, but for those who've completely overcome it, how did you?

Curious.

Peace and love,

Scot

 

[reality2k4]

Scot

I know the feeling of being in public toilets or wash rooms, I avoid them at all costs, even at work, I have tremendous control over my bladder, and keep it in until I can maybe get home.

The second point is difficult, but I have a reaction to it, when you are abused, you constantly nag at yourself, "could I ever be a perp", this has gone on and on in my mind for years, and if it is any consolation, the answer you always come back with is NO WAY.

But I know you keep wanting to reassure yourself, and you keeping asking your mind the same question, you realise the hurt and burdens faced, and all the shit in the aftermath.

The cycle of abuse was broken with me and yourself, but we end up harming ourselves with so many negative thoughts, I have always turned the anger inward, and in the past hurt myself, I am getting better at controlling that, but the hurt and anger was always inward, anger is something I faced up to a long time ago.

I can't feel anger, because it is so destructive, if I want to take anger out, who do I do it on, I had this terrifying thought that the perp that got me is still alive, yes he probably still is, maybe I pass him in the town, but he will be an old man now, I can't take it out on him, I don't recognise him, so, in the past I have taken it out on myself.

We take the anger out on ourselves because we are made to feel so small and worthless by the actions of this scum, we didn't have any power to stop it, we are too afraid of the next time, and when you are so young, you feel so afraid of men.

It's true that the little boy takes this right through into adult life, It's a lot of emotional baggage, the little boy keeps the adult safe, sometimes to negative effect, because he was so hurt, he looks for conflicts that aren't there.

I think we make judgements so quickly on the amount of information the mind takes in, and build a picture of friend or foe in an instant, instinct tells us to make these judgements often on fragmented information, we build a picture of everyone we encounter, good or bad.

Often we make the wrong judgements, I was looking at ken's post, and tried to put it into perspective, and he gave me a lot of insight into how I put things into the big picture, might be stealing someone's statement here, but life is like a jigsaw, you get the box with the picture on the front, you build the picture. How long it takes, is dependant on the number of pieces and the time and patience put into it.

I see this as life.

If you have a massive jigsaw, with no picture, and just pieces of jigsaw, you may get the frame together, but it can seem impossibe to make and finish the jigsaw, do I carry on, or give up?

Think about how much it's worth to get as many pieces to fit, so that you can pat yourself on the back and say, I did it against the odds.

Just because it happened to you, don't let your mind thrive on the thoughts of, "could I do it" that is surely the work of the Devil

take care

ste

 

[MikeNY]

I'm rambling, but does anybody else fight with this? I'm sure yes, but for those who've completely overcome it, how did you?

I do it knowing that I will not always be right, but that it is worth doing for a lot of reasons.

 

Scot,

I think you would be surprised by the number of us that have that shy bladder problem. Hell, when I used to go to ballgames (long ago) I wouldn't drink a damn thing because I didn't want to go to "the trough". That has not gotten any better.

As far as trust goes, there are a few people here, yourself included, that I trust absolutely. And trust has always been a very difficult thing for me, because I either trusted too easily and got burned, or I wouldn't trust at all and lost friendships over that.

Marc

 

[TJ jeff]

Fear: - something I grew up in for 18 years of my life

Trust: - some days i don't even trust myself

Fear and Trust - 2 big issues in any survivors life - if there is anyone here who has mastered these issues I'd really love to talk with them (as I know you would too)...

I still have a lot of fears - but I am determined to not let what happened to me as a child ruin my whole life and therfore i will do my very best to tackle my fears one at a time - every little victory gains strenght - and to be knocked back is to only fall on friends who will help me to step forward again...

I am slowly learning to trust - Leosha knows me from another survivor site where I have learned to trust a good many people - trust just takes time for me - it is not impossible

 

[Dwayne T]

Me too I will not go to the bathroom unless it is in a stall with a door....evan if i wait 15 minutes or more

Dwayne

 

[Mike Church]

Fear and Trust.

Trust was given freely as a young person and was betrayed in one way or another. Fear is learned from experience. Fear of the dark, of public washrooms, of people, of crowds, of deserted streets, in my case fear of empty drill halls, fear of being alone, fear of not being safe.

As we move forward in life trust has to be re-ignited in ourselves. Now that takes a h ell of a lot of courage. But I see courage here all the time in my brothers. I mean by god you are all survivors and that takes guts. That I know. We have to break down the walls we have built to protect ourselves (which have another role of keeping us a prisoner inside them). Only then can we expect someone to become close enough to us that trust can be reestablished. It is something we all must do, no matter how painful or terrifying that may be. See that is where the fear comes into play.

I have found in the last 8 years that I must first find out what the real fear is in fact and then I must face it directly. It has helped me a great deal to talk and interact with my brothers here and with my wife and daughter about these fears.

I think we must all remember that the fears are in our heads, and I hate to repeat this, they are memorized by the Committee of Assholes in our Brains and they keep yammering away at us. I have learned to shut them up when I really have to but I also must keep up my guard to do this. I have not figured out how to fire them fron their posts but I will.

My greatest fear when joining a health club 18 months ago was not being kind of a weak looking guy amongst strong guys but of being naked in the showers with other guys. Naked with men meant only one thing to me. Rape as a teenager and likewise for my time from 18-21 as a street hustler looking for violence. I faced that damned fear and you know what, not a thing happened and now I am comfortable with it. I am also a hell of a lot stronger and bigger from working out for 18 months. If anyone tried anything I think I would beat the shit out of him. I would hope I would be able to just tell him to FO but I do not think I would react rationally.

Face your fears my brothers and deal with the underlying causes. And there there is this unique brotherhood hear that can help.