Fathers...
Fathers...
- Thread starterguitarguy
- Start date
I am a mother, I hope that's okay.
I let my kids know that they are trusted and respected, not just where their bodies are concerned but where their feelings and ideas are concerned. I let them have as much power over these aspects of their lives as possible.
They don't hear "You don't REALLY want to hear that story" or "What are you talking about, you don't like onions." If I'm not going to read my kid the story, I'll tell her the real reason why (it's too long for bedtime, or I've just finished reading it four times, or whatever). If she feels like giving onions a shot, why not?
As medicb4 said, the same thing goes for control of their bodies-- they know that they don't have to get guilt-tripped into giving strange old relatives a hug at weddings, or anything like that.
When it comes to expressing themselves I am very permissive, but I think I'm more protective-- not over-protective-- when it comes to the people in their lives.
I let my kids know that they are trusted and respected, not just where their bodies are concerned but where their feelings and ideas are concerned. I let them have as much power over these aspects of their lives as possible.
They don't hear "You don't REALLY want to hear that story" or "What are you talking about, you don't like onions." If I'm not going to read my kid the story, I'll tell her the real reason why (it's too long for bedtime, or I've just finished reading it four times, or whatever). If she feels like giving onions a shot, why not?
As medicb4 said, the same thing goes for control of their bodies-- they know that they don't have to get guilt-tripped into giving strange old relatives a hug at weddings, or anything like that.
When it comes to expressing themselves I am very permissive, but I think I'm more protective-- not over-protective-- when it comes to the people in their lives.
Well, We will let it slide this time. We are all here because of a mother (on the planet, not in MS)
I try...I really do try, but I have noticed that I have a lot more baggage now that I am dredging up vs. the way I interpereted myself before the dredging.
Note - Do not try this food handling strategy with Wasabi coated Green Peas. Same thing with Akvavit.
I always had to deal with that - and my family has some strange young relatives.
There are no easy answers unfortunately
Hi (could contain triggers)
Great question. Our daughs are now 22 & 24 , we "began" telling them it seems as since their time of birth. In the beginning this happned without the help of a therapist.
Our behaviors admittedly MANY times were over protective, other times just plain protective and common sense. As infants, we NEVER left them alone with those in our family & those we KNEW were predators. If that person/ s came into the room - we took our girls and walked out & just left many times with a small b.s. story many times without even a reason.
When our girls became about 5 & 6 I myself entered therapy. At first it was for "family therapy due to minimize the effects of a divorce". The therapist quickly identified that I was a survivor and gently guided me into dealing with those issues.
With help from the therapist she helped me to form statements and behaviors as SAR exampled to share with my daughs to help them protect themselves and myself.
Once they matured to the age at which the "worst" of my own abuse became daily & mulitiple abusers I broke down and ended up in a mental hospital. We had "help" with the therapist explaining WHY I was in the hospital. They knew with their "age appropriate" language what their body parts were called, and used language that was clinical terms for body parts. The therapist also helped explain what happened to "mommy" from WHO. We also chose at this time with the HELP of a therapist to cut off complete contact with my parents = abusers & their friends = abusers.
Our daughs were told why ( in their language) and told that WHEN and IF they were to ever want contact with the grandparents all they need do is let us know in what ever fashion (letter, voice, etc) they felt comfortable. this allowed them to have "some choice" also.
My "parents" attempted contact many times, I hired an attorney who intervened yet the "parents" still kept attempting to make contact with our daughs. The "courts" would do nothing to the "parents" and did NOTHING. I found a "loop hole" tho illegal that would keep them from making contact with us. I used the loophole --
I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS TO ANYONE IT WAS OUR CHOICE
- it did work for us, but it was b.s. that I had to 'break the law" to protect us from them.
Also as they went thru school they were sent thru a special night with parents presented by a PARENT who had a daugh murdered by a foster child who had made friends with her daugh. Questions really opened up and talk really went on for a great length of time. During this time one of their friends ALSO ended up pregnant from being molested by her "foster father" - (this is in a past posting)
I also probably WAS the over protective mom as in I was lucky enough that Hubby & I chose that I should stay at home & be the main care taker of our daughs. While we perhaps lived below poverty line incomes we felt the sacrifices of not having " extra cash flow" was worth the price of knowing WHERE and WHO our kiddos were with. I became a "kool aid mom" and was and am comfortable with how we did this.
We have since re - connected but ONLY on our terms do we have contact.
Our youngest daugh has just recently told us that she is pregnant. We REITERATED (sp) about contact around the "known & listed" family / friends abusers. She had already told her Hubby to Be... it is very clear that we are open to discussion about this topic. Only ONCE that I can remember did my youngest daugh want "more details", I gave her ONLY what I was comfortable with at the time, but the topic remains open & both understand "some" of the details are just un neccessary -- but "stressed" the grooming process. Each have had access to reading material also.
They are only "recently" aware of their Dad's SA due to his disclosure only being with in the last 4 yrs. As young adults they are very attune to abuse and its effects / affects.
It does not make it much easier for us , but we feel that we have made a step to break what has been generational SA, and Pray that we have done well enough raising them, that their own offspring will be as protected even a step better than even our own girls have been.
Peace, Sammy
**I cannot stress enough how much help having an active therapist who was not only trained to deal with SA, but FAMILY counseling and CHild counseling helped us. I think this helped us to not over protect, yet allowed us to over protect IF we felt we needed to**
Great question. Our daughs are now 22 & 24 , we "began" telling them it seems as since their time of birth. In the beginning this happned without the help of a therapist.
Our behaviors admittedly MANY times were over protective, other times just plain protective and common sense. As infants, we NEVER left them alone with those in our family & those we KNEW were predators. If that person/ s came into the room - we took our girls and walked out & just left many times with a small b.s. story many times without even a reason.
When our girls became about 5 & 6 I myself entered therapy. At first it was for "family therapy due to minimize the effects of a divorce". The therapist quickly identified that I was a survivor and gently guided me into dealing with those issues.
With help from the therapist she helped me to form statements and behaviors as SAR exampled to share with my daughs to help them protect themselves and myself.
Once they matured to the age at which the "worst" of my own abuse became daily & mulitiple abusers I broke down and ended up in a mental hospital. We had "help" with the therapist explaining WHY I was in the hospital. They knew with their "age appropriate" language what their body parts were called, and used language that was clinical terms for body parts. The therapist also helped explain what happened to "mommy" from WHO. We also chose at this time with the HELP of a therapist to cut off complete contact with my parents = abusers & their friends = abusers.
Our daughs were told why ( in their language) and told that WHEN and IF they were to ever want contact with the grandparents all they need do is let us know in what ever fashion (letter, voice, etc) they felt comfortable. this allowed them to have "some choice" also.
My "parents" attempted contact many times, I hired an attorney who intervened yet the "parents" still kept attempting to make contact with our daughs. The "courts" would do nothing to the "parents" and did NOTHING. I found a "loop hole" tho illegal that would keep them from making contact with us. I used the loophole --
I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS TO ANYONE IT WAS OUR CHOICE
- it did work for us, but it was b.s. that I had to 'break the law" to protect us from them.
Also as they went thru school they were sent thru a special night with parents presented by a PARENT who had a daugh murdered by a foster child who had made friends with her daugh. Questions really opened up and talk really went on for a great length of time. During this time one of their friends ALSO ended up pregnant from being molested by her "foster father" - (this is in a past posting)
I also probably WAS the over protective mom as in I was lucky enough that Hubby & I chose that I should stay at home & be the main care taker of our daughs. While we perhaps lived below poverty line incomes we felt the sacrifices of not having " extra cash flow" was worth the price of knowing WHERE and WHO our kiddos were with. I became a "kool aid mom" and was and am comfortable with how we did this.
We have since re - connected but ONLY on our terms do we have contact.
Our youngest daugh has just recently told us that she is pregnant. We REITERATED (sp) about contact around the "known & listed" family / friends abusers. She had already told her Hubby to Be... it is very clear that we are open to discussion about this topic. Only ONCE that I can remember did my youngest daugh want "more details", I gave her ONLY what I was comfortable with at the time, but the topic remains open & both understand "some" of the details are just un neccessary -- but "stressed" the grooming process. Each have had access to reading material also.
They are only "recently" aware of their Dad's SA due to his disclosure only being with in the last 4 yrs. As young adults they are very attune to abuse and its effects / affects.
It does not make it much easier for us , but we feel that we have made a step to break what has been generational SA, and Pray that we have done well enough raising them, that their own offspring will be as protected even a step better than even our own girls have been.
Peace, Sammy
**I cannot stress enough how much help having an active therapist who was not only trained to deal with SA, but FAMILY counseling and CHild counseling helped us. I think this helped us to not over protect, yet allowed us to over protect IF we felt we needed to**
roadrunner
Registrant
Guitarguy,
My son is 21 and my daughter 17. My wife and I have always told them that we want them to trust us and they can come to us with anything. As a result, we have had a lot of stuff about fighting in school, drinking, drugs, relationships, just about everything. But I am very happy for that. They both know that we love them unconditionally, while we may disapprove of things they do and may want to talk to them about that.
I think I may well have been overprotective sometimes, but by hindsight it really does look like disputes over how much freedom they have had as they grow up. They were both told about how their bodies are theirs and nobody has the right to touch them in a way that makes them feel "funny".
On the importance of what Dave (Lloydy) said about making sure they know they can come to you with anything: Just tonight my son rang me up and asked me, "Dad can you come get me? We're all drunk and I don't want to get in the car because * is too drunk to drive." So I rang the other guy's Dad and we both drove out and brought everyone home, making the rounds with this 19-22 crowd all totally drunk but trying to pretend they are sober. They are all home safe now and the car can wait until tomorrow. Yes, it was a hassle, but I would much rather get that call than one from the hospital or police station.
Larry
My son is 21 and my daughter 17. My wife and I have always told them that we want them to trust us and they can come to us with anything. As a result, we have had a lot of stuff about fighting in school, drinking, drugs, relationships, just about everything. But I am very happy for that. They both know that we love them unconditionally, while we may disapprove of things they do and may want to talk to them about that.
I think I may well have been overprotective sometimes, but by hindsight it really does look like disputes over how much freedom they have had as they grow up. They were both told about how their bodies are theirs and nobody has the right to touch them in a way that makes them feel "funny".
On the importance of what Dave (Lloydy) said about making sure they know they can come to you with anything: Just tonight my son rang me up and asked me, "Dad can you come get me? We're all drunk and I don't want to get in the car because * is too drunk to drive." So I rang the other guy's Dad and we both drove out and brought everyone home, making the rounds with this 19-22 crowd all totally drunk but trying to pretend they are sober. They are all home safe now and the car can wait until tomorrow. Yes, it was a hassle, but I would much rather get that call than one from the hospital or police station.
Larry