Father's "Day"

Father's "Day"
blacken

blacken

Moderator Coordinator
Staff member
I never really understood Father's Day when I was a child. I despised my father.

I recall talking with a cousin, she & her brother were upset with themselves because they hadn't yet gotten their father a gift for father's Day. I was puzzled & asked "Why?". They looked at me, equally puzzled, & said because they Loved their Dad. I was stunned. I wrestled with that for years. I was left wondering what they really meant. I had assumed that all fathers "did those things with their kids".

So, I could not decide; if they Liked IT; If I was suppose to like IT; or, the most disturbing to me, not all other kids' dads "did IT" with their kids. The last piece made me feel very alone in the world. It did not empower me, it made me feel weaker & it deepened my hopelessness while it re-enforced his cutting words that I deserved IT.

In my childhood, Every Day was Father's Day, & my body was the gift I had to Give him.

That is all I can write down at this time.
 
Is father's day over yet? That's basically how I feel about it. Might be harsh and it it probably is, but I really hate the man! Will be happy when I don't have to hear or see advertisements for father's day.
 
Blacken,

WOW! You now KNOW you did not deserve that and that was NOT how a father should EVER express his love for a child.

This was and is a very powerful and moving story. I am so sorry for your pain and confusion!

PEACE and God Bless!

TJ
 
This is cruel, evil and just bad and wrong. But once my father dies? I will have a true 'father's day'. Untill then, the hell with it.

Leosha
 
Madness creeping into me, as this day approaches.
Slowly.

Worst day, hardest day. Everywhere I see the sign, "father's day", skin crawling, blood slows.

Creeping dread grabs hold of me. I am trying so hard to fight it. So difficult.

Cold chills. Horrible memories enter unannounced.

Madness.

Sometimes I feel I have left myself. I am some one else. I dont know where I am.

I AM fighting him. With the rock & stone. With the truths I learned. With the help of you. I try to fight. But, this day is so heavy. It represents all his Love & my broken spirit. My surrender & betrayal to myself.

F.D. is the day I hate the most. The day I hate myself. The day I always lose.

I fight. I kick & punch. My mind swirls & falter trying to dodge & parry his legacy of horror, past on to me by actions & words so vile.

I feel so cold as his heat crushes me, his desires smoother me. His sweat leave the stink of foul deeds on me that even I can not ignore.

The thought, the memories. A cruel ability. That which sets us apart & binds us together.

The tie we share into Hell. The Hell he brought me to, from were he emerged, burned a scare so deep. It blackened me. I can feel the burn right now. The fire I work to extinguish all year, sparks back up. I can never seem to cool those still glowing embers.

What are those embers? My self-hate? My hate towards him? Hate of the world, my family? I dont know.

Why can't I be at peace? What is peace, for me?

This is NO suicide note. I just want to be released from this creeping madness that burdens me so. Free to live my life. Free to Love & be Loved, as a person, not a thing.

To be Free of loneliness. I can not even look for a companion. I am so beaten down & have been all this time. I feel I will always be alone. A cold living death of despair.

To be Free of self-doubt. The fog that keeps me from the true path. That blocks my view of all the choices. That keeps my own strength hidden from me. That knot in my gut. Those weights hanging from my elbows & ankles & ears. Those weights are his hands from the grave pulling down towards the Hell he made for himself, the Hell hes kept hot for me.

He is the one blowing on the embers in my soul. Has he made some pact with the Devil, to trade the damnation of my soul for his? Let go your grip upon me. Your place is in Hell, my place is here.

My job is to fight all Devils, my own & that of others. Why have I chosen this fight? Perhaps if I cant beat my own Devils, I cant at least help you to overcome yours. I have to try. Its all I really have in this world. All I seem to have is The Fight its-self. It is always with me. Day & night.
 
Blacken,

I really hear you on this. Since the only thing that I ever had that was supposedly a "father" but was really a monster, I have hated Father's Day.

But I am getting my revenge.

Because of Father's Day, I am taking me to dinner. Because I have been the only parent I ever really had. I'm doing this for Mikey, who I now am helping as I think a father would. So they can rename the damn day, Mikey's Day!

Peace,

Marc
 
Blacken... I know our past is similar. Not the same, but similar. There is not a single reason that any of us here should feel guilty because we do not honor our father.

My real father left when I was under 3. After that, my stepfather abused me for 4 years.

Why should I honor either of these men in the least? Because Hallmark or the Ten Commandments tells me I have to? Well, fuck that. Where is the commandment for Don't Abuse Thy Children?

Wow... lots of anger now. I'm here for you if you need to PM me.
 
I am not against "Father's Day" itself.

I, of course, realize there are plenty of great, responsible, caring men who love their children (non-sexually) & would always protect them.

I have two brothers that are wonderful Fathers to their children.

But, for me, its a Triple Trigger. This Day reminds me of Past horrors, Current dilemmas & Future uncertainties.

There is a lot in my past that I have not be fully resolved. Some of the past Bull Shit still interferes with the present. Perhaps in ways I dont fully understand yet. And perhaps that in its self should be reason enough for me to seek out a T. Again.
I have processed a large # of memories. Over the years, this processing has helped me to re-understand what happened. And to discover what actually happened, & how I thought about what was happening at the time.
There has been a great deal of self discovery. There is more to come, I am sure of it, and I am apt to change my mind about a great many things. But That is OK. I know that is the Process.

I seem to have processed a lot of the Trauma, & many things that used to brother me greatly, I am now able to control my response to them & kept myself calm. Wow.

The Future is an uncertain. And thats the natural way of things. Yet, I think I am more In Control, than out of control of what may come. Ya, there are still surprises, good & bad, but I dont feel like the world is a Hurricane anymore.

So, why does this day bother me more than any other particular day?

Today is about celebrating Fatherhood. About recognizing & celebrating the man who helped to bring each of us to life & help us through the difficulties of growing up.
Well, my father created many of those difficulties for me, & made it more difficult to deal properly with the normal ones.

I had to be involved in the celebrating of fathers day.
Publicly, wed have cake & ice cream & presents & cards with words like Love in them.
I swear I can still feel the grimace on my face from 30 years ago having to give him a kiss, for fathers day.
Privately, Every Day was Fathers Day for him, and an opportunity for overwhelming Terror & disgust for me.

I am not sure I can accurately explain this. Even if I was to write down all the gritty details, I still would not be able to convey, fully, the extent of my discomfit regarding this matter. For you who may read this, its just a series of words on a page. I am not even able to fully understand all this for myself, yet alone convey the depth of this to any of you.
 
I cannot begin to understand fathers that want to abuse their children, the same with grandfathers. I'm a grandfather and my most natural instinct towards my grandchildren is to protect and nuture, not destroy.

Therefore I come with this positive and selfish offering It has also been posted in the Off Topic forum in reply to a message related to the "good dads" out there. I hope no one takes offence it reads:

*******POSS TRIGGERS**********
******************************


Im a step father and as such I do not get any "Fathers Day" cards. I have two step daughters who spent their formative years with a typical four member family. Unfortunately my wifes marraige broke down before we met. I recognise and accept my step daughters relationship with their father and am quite happy to be referred to as their step dad.

There is nothing I would like more than to recieve a Fathers Day card but I also know that is not possible and I'm ok with that.

I just wonder what the feeling must be like!

However my step daughters have children of thier own and I am recognised as a bona fide grandfather to those same four children, I'm god father to two and in no way am I a spiritual person but I take my god parent responsabilities very seriously.

I never had an emotional relationship with either of my parents. Just in me accpeting that has made me an better grandfather as I LISTEN to what my grandchildren are actually SAYING only two can talk at present.

To say that they are the most precious things in my life and would willing give up my life for one or all of them, would be an understatement. That may sound extreme but its true nevertheless and it feels right.

Hope this makes sense!

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"

My Story (Triggers)
https://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com
 
blacken,


i am so sorry this day is so tough and bad for you.

i am caring for you and your hurt.

no father should have ever done that and we both know that.

i am a father, love my daughter. my dad thankfully did not abuse me. my coach did for 7 months when i was ten.

he was a bastard, manipulater, and if there was coach's day, it would suck for me and i would hate it although as you say, there are some good coaches out there. the trigger would hurt, suck, and make me depsise that day too.

sorry you had to deal with this and my thoughts are with you.

peace and blessings to you as you get through
the day.

guy
 
My sexual abuser was not my father, but my father was my physical and psychological abuser. I know the difference between a whipping with a belt and being beaten with a belt. I got the later all my years in his house. I left when I turned 18 and got married to get out of his house (ended in divorce after 3 years). He never said anything to me when growing up, unless it was to yell at me for doing something or not having not done something. Certainly never praised anything I did or said he loved me. Ever. I have a LOT of anger towards him for all that shit, and at my mother for not trying to stop it.

And piled on all that, I had the sexual abuse that started when I was 12. I've thought about this a lot the last week or so, and is it any wonder I never told my father or mother about the period of sexual abuse I went through?

Today has basically sucked for me. I've done two doses of Xanax (anti-anxiety med) and slept most of the afternoon. My wife went with me to pick out a shirt as the token Father's Day gift and we took it by the old man's house. My wife did most of the talking and we were gone after 20 minutes.
 
My friend,

Although my father abused me emotionally, he never abused me sexually. I'm so sorry yours did.

Yeah, Father's Day is hard on me too, but because I can't feel anything toward him, ever, apart from some compassion and, yes, pity I've forgiven him, but that was for me, not him.

Now, my "counsellor," the one who made HIMSELF my "daddy," the only thing I wish for him is to see him in Hell before I get there.

That's the ONLY mercy I'll expect from God. I know I'm loved by Him, but I still FEEL damned. That will be the only favor I'll ask if I am indeed so, see the m**********r thrown into Hell before me.

And then I'll laugh my @$$ off.

I wish i knew if the bastard was alive. What a pity it would be for him to be dead before I got a chance to kill him.

No, I don't really mean that. Not usually, but for right now, I'll settle for it.

*sigh* :(

Why is it we remember the unkindnesses of people rather than the kindnesses of them Sometimes, I feel so guilty hating my father, the @$$holes, everyone and everything who did this to me, because there were some good times. They were NEVER worth the price we paid for them.

F**k Father's Day. The f**kers in my life never earned it.

I'm sorry I'm so angry today.

Scot
 
Scot you said

but I still FEEL damned.
Click to expand...
My brother that is what the Committee of Assholes in your brain are saying incessantly. Boy we all have that same frigging committee. We will, however, throw them out of office for good. You are not damned before god me or anyone else and that IS A FACT.

Now fathers day to me was a big zero because of my father etc but now it is a time to give thanks for my wife and daughter. For years I fought to not like Father's Day until it hit me "DUH" Ime a dad
 
This has been a very hard thread to follow over the last couple weeks. I can't stand reading about the things those men did to you guys, and I can't turn away to pretend it didn't happen. I am a father now, and I do not understand how any father can do anything to harm his own child.

How do I explain the relationship with our father? He abused us. I do not know the difference between being whipped with a belt and being beaten with a belt. It's not something we experienced.

I did not call him yesterday. I called today, but I have such a hard time talking to my parents now. It was easier when I first came here and posted, back when they had never heard about any other perps. All of us could pretend that there was never anything "really wrong." Now, they want to keep pretending there was never anything "really wrong" at home, and that just don't fly anymore.

I hope all of you who suffered any abuse or neglect from your father, stepfather, uncle, mother's boyfriend, grandfather, etc. are able to feel some relief now that the commercials will be gone for another 11 months. For myself, I am still stuck between two worlds, where I can/can't accept the life we lived was one of abuse, can/can't accept that there's a real reason to be upset.

Thanks for listening,

Joe
 
Joe,

Thank you for trying to understand. As a parent, you cannot imagine that you would hurt your children. But it happens with others.

When your parents are the abusers, sexually, physically and emotionally, your world crumbles. Because if you can't trust them, WHO can you trust.

I despise that day. And even more so this year. I can't get past that yet.

Your children are your heart, that is obvious. Give them all the love they deserve. But you SHOULD celebrate the day, because it sounds like you are the father I so desparetly wish I had had.

Marc
 
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