Father scares me (It May Trigger)

Father scares me (It May Trigger)
A

alexey

Registrant
I have recently wrote that I liked to talk on the phone with my dad. Today he openly sad to me whether I mind serving in the army. We argued on the phone about my life in general. The background for this fight was that in Russia every man has to serve by the law. I have a chance to avoid the service as a weak health person.

I was very nervous and we had a fight. Out of the blue, he asked why do not I think about serving after all. I do not know why he said this. He is my family member, and he is supposed to help, but today I heard this. I do not really know what army is, or maybe I know it in details. Soldiers raped me. I willingly don't intend to be in the army.

He said I had no right to scream at him, and he is right. I live in his appartment and I don't work because I has to receive the documents from the military in the first place. So he says I have no right to scream. He is right in regard to my dependance on him, and I know that earlier I lost my chance to have a job. Still I could go on studying as a graduate, and he denied that chance arguing about insufficient money. All seems complicated.

Our relationships inside the family are complicated, but when dad says as he did, I just put my arms down, realizing that there is no support on his part. There is no support that I need.

Today I was scared. In the moments like this one, I always feel scared, and I feel that in fact my own decisions don't count. I am not sure whether you anyone can relate to this. It is just sad that those who are close don't support.

Alexey
 
I would guess that a few of us have similar issues. Our parents, because of their parents etc, lack the ability to listen and to nurture. Some of these parents even try to do the right thing but don't know any other way than to tell you how it is.
 
I have a sense that I ruin my life step by step, and my parents help me to adjust to the real life. It is good, and they are right, and I am thankful to them. Another point is that neither he nor she are in a position to say that I have no rights. Moreover, it is bad that dad said about the army and me joining it. It is very hard to be that young boy after your most close people refer to you in such a manner. If I scream, I probably show ignorance and I become rude, but I feel better afterwards. In the end, I struggle against those harmful words that I am not powerful enough to respond to that bad treatment.

Thank you for reply fozzy_bear. You are right.

Alexey
 
Alexey,

This will sound like a terrible cliche, but there is such a thing as a generation gap. My father and I had a lot of trouble over things when I was a young man. He expected to be obeyed no matter what, and I always wanted to know "why". He was a veteran of WW2 in the Pacific; I was active in opposition to the Vietnam war. He struggled to work, support a growing family, and study in college all at the same time; I partied, used drugs, got thrown out of college over a demonstration that got out of hand, and then took off for San Francisco. The list would be endless.

But that clouded my judgment of him Alexey. I conveniently forgot that he was active in civil rights already in the 50s, when it was very UNfashionable to do so. I hated his dismissive attitude toward the music I liked, but I dismissed his 40s music as trash. I was full of righteousness over my principles but refused to admit that he was standing up for his. The real differences between us were not all that serious, but our angry words hurt each other and we didn't see that our main problem was miscommunication. In fact he supported me in many ways, some of them very quiet, and he allowed me a lot of space to grow.

In my case all this was complicated by the fact that as a kid I was convinced by my abuser that my father didn't love me, which was totally untrue. But even without this I think we would have had trouble.

Does this sound familiar? If your father is a traditional guy and proud that he served in the army, the way you feel about this may be very painful to him. What he said may be exactly what he heard when he was young. Plus, he doesn't know that you were raped by soldiers, does he?

But the other side of this is your age as well Alexey. Being a young man isn't easy (in case you hadn't noticed :) ); there are a lot of difficult changes in your life, and it can all get very confusing. I remember my Dad once asking me (I think I was 19): "Larry, what's wrong, can you please tell me?" I just broke down in tears and started to cry.

Solving this will depend on your relationship with your father of course. One thing mine did with me was try to talk to me when we were both calm. He invited me to say whatever I wanted or was feeling, and that helped. Perhaps if you tried to speak with your father when anger is not in the picture, some progress could be made.

Somehow you have to find a way to let him know that you aren't a child anymore and need to be treated more as an adult. He needs to hear that when he shouts at you and insults you and points out things you "could have done", he is shaming and disempowering you. He should get the idea that these explosive conversations leave you feeling that you are not supported by him. It may be that he just doesn't understand that.

That said, try to accept that parents will always be parents. I know....another cliche! But my mother sometimes still treats me as if I am 15, and I still call my 17-year-old daughter "Tweety-Bird".....just not in front of her friends. :) The Germans have a simple but cool expression about all this: "Love makes one blind."

Take care,
Larry
 
Larry, you have raised many problems that I can see in our relationships with my father. I can imagine what your life was like. :) It is alright that I also can identify with you the young man. :)

First of all, my father was socialized in a family of my grandgrandfather who was vetran of the second WW, in Eastern Europe. My father's father left him to grow up with the grandfather, while living in another city. My dad is a "straight soldier" althought he did not serve in the army. He works for our family for many years, and my mother only now wants to work again after the years of the economic collapse.

Second, my dad did not like the music I used to listen, and he never liked my street company.

I also took drugs, but I am not politisized. I just participated in a student trade-union movement, and showed up on demonstrations. He approved this though.

He always tell me and my mom that I shouldn't go to science here in our country, as it is in a known decline. I wanted to study abroad, but the family was unable to afford it, and it has been a point of arguments since this summer.

The army makes you feel confused by reducing your freedom to get familiar with the future perspectives after college graduation. You have to serve, and that is the law.

Of course, as a citizen of the RF, I sould obey, and my father reminds of that. This conflict seems simple, but for me, it is confusing. The point is as follows; if you want to see me serving and being another handsome guy, you can force me to do what you want, but he does not do that. He knows about what happened to me. At the same time, he is not very flexible in relationships, and from time to time, I just verbally fight.

While on my father's personality, he says to me that I did not work, and that I will have my rights when I will earn money. He forgets that I did work, and that I had a higher stipend, and finally I was accepted to study in Europe with a fellowship. He just ignores it. Maybe he can not simply resist to these reasons and go rigid-minded. :( He has never approved my achievements in this sphere so that I would feel his dream son. I have felt more like an outcast.

We did speak to each other in a peaceful manner while we were living together during this summer time, and we had beer to drink, but finally I started to fight, and I left to another city.

Quote:

"In fact he supported me in many ways, some of them very quiet, and he allowed me a lot of space to grow."

The words are what I understand and agree with. These are great words in fact. Thank you. If my father had not allowed me to grow as a person, it would haven't been the case that I am who I am, agreeing with you on your quote.

I liked how you have said about the difficult time of youth. :) It's very funny.

Thanks for the reply.

Alexey
 
Alexey,

Your last post here gets me thinking again about the issue of fathers.

My abuser increased my dependency on him by feeding me endless lies about how my father did not love me - which was nonsense. So of course for a long time I blamed my abuser's lies for the way I was distant from my father for years.

But maybe it's more complicated than that. A child looks to his parents for protection and trusts them to keep him safe, and I do remember thinking over and over again, each time I was abused: "Why is no one helping me?" Even now I feel this desperate need to tell my father, now 80 years old, what happened. Surely that's Little Larry needing to say: "Daddy that bad man hurt me and made me do things and I'm scared. Help me."

So maybe in a way I resented my father for not protecting me, even though 42 years after the fact he still has no idea what happened. Perhaps it is the same with you, especially since you are so much younger than I am and thus so much closer to the events.

The other thing I wanted to suggest here is that the additional things you say about your father just show how traditional he is, not that he doesn't support you or love you. Mine said SO many of the same things, and many times I thought I was going crazy because I felt like he cared for me and despised me all at the same time. The first time I got falling-down drunk and got caught, for example, he demanded my "word of honor" that I would not drink again until I was 21. I told him forget it, and his reply was: "So when will you turn to whisky?" Fuck! And of course things like "I'm not sure I like that girl you're seeing", "Don't you need a haircut?", "What are you doing with this education I'm paying for", etc.

I am not taking your Dad's side Alexey. I just want to assure you that it isn't easy for either side. It's incredible how communications can be messed up in such serious ways, and maybe being survivors makes it a bit rougher for us. I don't know.

But let me stick my neck out here and say I think your father cares for you and supports you a lot. You two just need to talk more about your differences.

Take care,
Larry
 
Thank you, Man. I am already feeling guilty for what I did with my dad. Seriously, he did a lot for me and our family, and for my younger brother. He was mad at me when I said I wouldn't join the army. He even said that I had left alone with my future problems.

What can I say? We've never talked about my abuse, but parents should know it from my bro's words. Maybe they do not realize the real picture.

I think you try to explain to me that family members are not bad even if they seem, and for me, it is a very hard thing to learn. Also it is difficult to admit that something you cannot change however you strive. I am accustomed to blaming my father, and probably he always became for me an inherent part of my abuse. He left me with my granny then, more than 10 years back, when I was raped. It is not his fault of course, and with hope I shall overgrow this feeling of betrayal.

Really I start to remember the times when my dad really cared of me, and I feel sad. Sorry. I know this situation is not without a solution. Sometimes I am mean, I scream at people, and when I feel hurt I can fight. So, another problem is with me. I should change myself. Hopefully I shall. No, it is not an easy task.

Thanks.

Alexey
 
You guys don't really need me in this conversation, but I just wanted to add, Alexey, when you said, "Sometimes I am mean, I scream at people, and when I feel hurt I can fight. So, another problem is with me. I should change myself. Hopefully I shall. No, it is not an easy task."

This is a hard part. You must feel a great deal of rage over what happened to you at the hands of those soldiers. It probably won't go away until you've had a chance to work through that with a therapist. My wife and kids have had to put up with my rage until I'm now finally getting a chance to work through what happened to me at the hands of my 8th grade teacher.

Good luck to you, with school, with your father, and with the decisions with which you are faced.
You are a good man and I know that things will work out for you.

Good information and suggestions, Larry.

David
 
Alexey,

If you perhaps need to go a bit easier on your father, you also need to take it easy on yourself. An abused boy desperately needs answers, but often he doesn't even have coherent questions. Even if he does, to whom will he put these questions?

Really, Alexey, it is a great stupid mess for every kid in this situation: you, me, everyone else here. The anger and feelings of betrayal and abandonment, whatever, they just fly anywhere and everywhere. It's not your fault. You had the RIGHT to be safe, and that right was violated. Your reaction was the same as any other boy's would have been in that situation.

If you can, bro, I would tell your father about what happened to you; don't assume that he knows from what your brother might have said. Yes, it will be very hard; it always is. But it's going to be a problem between you until you do. Your father sounds like a good man, and I think he will see what an act of trust it is that you have done this.

In any case, you don't need to blame yourself. If I were you I would just look forward and try to establish better communications with him. It's not just your task of course, and it will all depend on how he responds. How will that go? I have no idea. Approaching him will be a risk, but all things worth having involve risk.

Welcome to the screwy world of adulthood! ;)

Take care,
Larry
 
Larry, I realize that it can not be easy to say this to him, of course. The only man I really told about what happened to me was my friend, with whom I was in high school.

David, I am going to search for a therapist as soon as I have available resources. I am currently living in an area where there are scarcity of the therapeutic resources. Sometimes I just need to roll oneself into a ball and rage, but as long as there is no person who helps to go through that, I feel knocked down afterwards.

I have also behaved not good, not generous, if I can say so. When my mother told me about many times when father had beaten her, or otherwise abused, I said if they would divorce, I would witness against him. So I just afraid that he will try to keep me at a distance, and I am not completely sure that we'll have chances to dig into the issues of misunderstanding together. My mom has changed her mind, and she basically wants to live with dad. I said what I said though. Father may have heard about it, or maybe he did not.

All in all, I am now more at ease with what I should discuss with father. I hope I'll come to a rest about who I am and where I am, and what is my future. :(

I 'like' to forget that the life I live is much affected by the actions of those men, who raped me.

Also I wanted to say that you help so much. You have been sincere and honest, and you have spent lots of energy talking to me. Thanks.

Really, you have replied to the essence of my words, and few people can do that.

Best,

Alexey
 
Alexy, grab a virtual hug if you can. Ive read all the previous replies and feel what you are feeling. As I read the replies I saw many issues being addressed that you raised. That has obviously been of great assistance to you and Im glad.

As Larry said, to assume your father knows all the details (via another person) is perhaps wishing for a little too much. It would be nice if he did know everything without you perhaps having to speak with him about it. His responses so far though indicate that he doesnt have the full story (unless he is so totally out of touch with being human and being a father and I doubt that from what youve said about him).

Apart from the horrible fact that Soldiers abused you (and that would be reason for anybody to not want to back to the environment where they were abused) if you feel you are not well enough to do your military service then you would naturally expect that your father could support you and accept that.

From what you say, and from what I know of your country, your father has a very culturally ingrained view on men doing miliary service. Thats going to be hard for him to work through and accept your wishes in this matter.

Speaking with him about your abuse of course is a big thing as you have noted and its really only a decision that you can make when you feel comfortable in doing it. Anybody who discloses needs to be strong enough for all kinds of responses good and bad, or be confident that their disclosure will not cause more pain.

I also picked up on disappointment in yourself in your younger years that you didnt feel you were the son you should have been. You were just a child and still becoming who you are today. I dont think very many people could say that as they were growing up they did everything well and never disappointed others. Its all part of growing up.

Alexy, to want to build a better relationship with your father is a wonderful, admirable thing to do, and as others have said, it may take some time for this to all work out. I wish you a sound and well mind.

Bruce
 
Tnank you, man. It sounds that my father is not well informed of what I have gone through. You put it in the right place, Bruce, and the others who were so helpful in replying. I may talk to him, and maybe it will be a moment when father will be feeling alright.

You are equally right about our conflict on the army matters. I am bad in this story, and they are good, and I have to live with it. I better need to accept this true.

Om my God, how many times I screamed at the loved ones, my family. Is it a way of coping? Maybe, but the relationships are not getting better from it. Also my life is not getting better, and the reason why is not clear.

When I think about disclosure, I can have a strength to do that, but I am afraid he would not feel for me for a long time. I am afraid that my dad is very controlling, in the first place, of himself. That is why I have never heard a real emotional support from him. Never. It seems that the other people were more emotionally supporting than my dad. Nonetheless, I hope that I may feel better if I would disclose to him. In my mind, he can even humiliate me if he knows, I feel. He is just very traditional, or conservative.

Thanks for encouragement.

Alexey
 
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