Family
@Gaat, well while I never had the cultural "don't upset mom" element, i will say that the problem of healing vs others has been one that bothers me. This is one reason isolation has been so often my response, sinse I tend to not want to have other people affected by my problems in bad moments, and indeed why my mum's attempts to fix me have not been successful. Indeed while we never had the cultural thing you had, in a very angry moment my mum did tell me at one point "I am a weather vane, when your unhappy I'm unhappy" which unfortunately had the opposite affect to what she wanted meaning I just want to be alone when things get bad and not bother other people, indeed one ironic thing about my relationship with L is that somehow I know! she loves me, I don't just assume she's a nice person who tolerates me or loves me because she has to because I'm related to her.
It's actually one of the few major differences between us, where as somehow i'm certain she loves me, she will sometimes become shy, or worried about sharing part of herself, or afraid she'll offend me and indeed that is something I can in my turn help her recover from, sinse I just don't behave like that, when I love someone, I love someone and placing conditions or being arbitrary would be alien to me.
Suicide is difficult. I had a very strong desire during my abuse, indeed I'm fairly sure if I'd had access to any morphine based drugs or a high enough place to jump from I'd not be hear now, however I'm afraid I can't really discuss that at the moment sinse it's so radically different from where I am now that it literally is unthinkable, like the way when your an adult if you remember throwing your dinner on the floor as a very young child, you had that impulse, but it's not one you could ever imagine having again sinse it's so hard to communicate with.
As to pain, well as I believe I have said previously, for such a long time I walked around with a literal void inside me, I could feel it in my chest and upper arms, it was as though someone had taken a drill and drilled a hole into me. The fact that the closest, the most intimate I'd been with anyone was so disgusting literaly hurt! I'd look down at my body or someone would say something casual about relationships, still worse when I saw people who loved each other. It physically hurt! and I know that often made me an unpleasant person to be around.
Now however that has simply gonee, indeed however things work out with L, whether we can live together or not, that isn't the same anymore, sinse now the most intimate, the closest I've been to anyone was when we kissed.
The physical pain of separation by comparison to that is something I almost welcome. There is a verse in a shuman song that begins "you my soul, you my heart, you my joy, you my pain!" I always assumed when I first learnt this that this referd to something negative, to an inappropriate relationship where the singer was being emotionally tormented by his or her beloved (the song can be sung by either gender).
I didn't realize until now what it means.
L and I will be speaking on the phone, and we'll just get to a point where words literally fail and we just want to touch each other, to be together, indeed I find it hard to think about anything or anyone else at the moment. I just ache to be with her, in my skin, my hands, like when you've been out in the rain and just want to be warm.
the odd thing though is I'd rather feel this than anything else, for all I do hope for actually getting anything practical done that this will at least abate a little, indeed the intensity of this frightens me, and I don't even speak of anything to do with s/x, (sinse that is just something we'll have to deal with). Just the amount my emotions, my thoughts, everything are full of her! and yet when I've explained this she's said herself the feeling is mutual, indeed she will express disbelief, or say "where did you come from" or similar, and the odd thing is those are all things I would say myself.
And yet it's not just about attraction or our feelings, sinse we can have discussions about books or music or words that go on for hours, for that aspect of things we are still just friends and likely always will be even if the other side doesn't work out, ---- we're trying to be sensible, though we've both had our moments.
It's actually one of the few major differences between us, where as somehow i'm certain she loves me, she will sometimes become shy, or worried about sharing part of herself, or afraid she'll offend me and indeed that is something I can in my turn help her recover from, sinse I just don't behave like that, when I love someone, I love someone and placing conditions or being arbitrary would be alien to me.
Suicide is difficult. I had a very strong desire during my abuse, indeed I'm fairly sure if I'd had access to any morphine based drugs or a high enough place to jump from I'd not be hear now, however I'm afraid I can't really discuss that at the moment sinse it's so radically different from where I am now that it literally is unthinkable, like the way when your an adult if you remember throwing your dinner on the floor as a very young child, you had that impulse, but it's not one you could ever imagine having again sinse it's so hard to communicate with.
As to pain, well as I believe I have said previously, for such a long time I walked around with a literal void inside me, I could feel it in my chest and upper arms, it was as though someone had taken a drill and drilled a hole into me. The fact that the closest, the most intimate I'd been with anyone was so disgusting literaly hurt! I'd look down at my body or someone would say something casual about relationships, still worse when I saw people who loved each other. It physically hurt! and I know that often made me an unpleasant person to be around.
Now however that has simply gonee, indeed however things work out with L, whether we can live together or not, that isn't the same anymore, sinse now the most intimate, the closest I've been to anyone was when we kissed.
The physical pain of separation by comparison to that is something I almost welcome. There is a verse in a shuman song that begins "you my soul, you my heart, you my joy, you my pain!" I always assumed when I first learnt this that this referd to something negative, to an inappropriate relationship where the singer was being emotionally tormented by his or her beloved (the song can be sung by either gender).
I didn't realize until now what it means.
L and I will be speaking on the phone, and we'll just get to a point where words literally fail and we just want to touch each other, to be together, indeed I find it hard to think about anything or anyone else at the moment. I just ache to be with her, in my skin, my hands, like when you've been out in the rain and just want to be warm.
the odd thing though is I'd rather feel this than anything else, for all I do hope for actually getting anything practical done that this will at least abate a little, indeed the intensity of this frightens me, and I don't even speak of anything to do with s/x, (sinse that is just something we'll have to deal with). Just the amount my emotions, my thoughts, everything are full of her! and yet when I've explained this she's said herself the feeling is mutual, indeed she will express disbelief, or say "where did you come from" or similar, and the odd thing is those are all things I would say myself.
And yet it's not just about attraction or our feelings, sinse we can have discussions about books or music or words that go on for hours, for that aspect of things we are still just friends and likely always will be even if the other side doesn't work out, ---- we're trying to be sensible, though we've both had our moments.
