Family reunion

Family reunion
M

mark250676

Registrant
I used to have a best friend, no hang on even a soul mate. Then the abuse started. I split off from him because I didn't want it to happen to him. I split off from my family cause I didn't want them to abuse me like the abuser did. I sorry for that. 20 years later I know my family wouldn't have abused me, but I was a scared child. I now know my soul mate was abused as well. Hy maybe I should have kept contact and we could have protected ourselfs like brothers?

I lost my sisters. I lost my mum. I lost my dad.

As a kid I saw my soul mates mum as my second mum. I went to her 60th this weekend. Cause I still love her and my soul mate.

My abusers parents were there and it all came back!

After 20 years of self pity, punishment and hatred I thought I had dealt with it.

But no I'm still a weak vunerable kid. Except now I'm fat and and abhorent. It's taken such a toll on me.

How can that kid recover?
 
Mark,

Yes, the clock can feel like it stops, then it all cranks up again. But there's so much hope! Get a great T, get into some excercise, begin to address the SA. By coming here, by venting these feelings, you've taken such a powerful step. Just keep taking the steps, as much as you can at your own pace. It has taken a toll on you, but not in a way that can't be completely altered with some consistent work. First step, stop thinking of yourself as abhorent. You're not. Self-value and detchment from guilt and self-blame are essential ingredients to moving forward. That's where a lot of the work has to happen.

For me, when I first stuck my head out of the foxhole and realized how much damage was there, it helped to think of myself as a car, once gleaming and powerful, now dinged up and a little broken down. Well the gleaming car is under there still, and bit by bit can be restored. It sounds hokey, hell it IS hokey, but it's true. and proven itself as year by year that car gets shinier and more powerful. I don't even recognize the guy that first woke up to the work ahead. There's been so much progress.

You will do it.

Lotsa love,

Alex
 
I know your car don't change mine but the analogy hit a note with me. Where's yours now? If it's ok to ask.

MARK
 
The exterior is looking great. Which helps the interior a lot. Taken a lot of work, a LOT, but anything to build self-esteem is worth the effort. The interior is coming along. Some days I run great. Some days a little rough. But I think what's important is that I don't think of myself as broken down anymore. That self-view has changed. Just in need of some more work to get back to top nick as you'd say. And that's a very different perspective that inspires action rather than more depression and resignation. And that for me has made all the difference. Now when I have days of utter desperation, and believe me I do, I have the strength to pull out, or at least up enough to not become utterly despondent.

I recommend Turtle Wax for a longer lasting shine. ;>

Alex
 
It's funny I remember as a kid looking in the mirror and thinking please please grow so you can protect yourself mark.

Now I think I'm a fat horrible person.

Maybe i thought it would stop people being attaracted to me and abusing me. But as an adult I need people to find me attractive. And they have done. But I hate them for it.

Mark
 
"But as an adult I need people to find me attractive. And they have done. But I hate them for it."

yes I relate to this. Have found other means to push people away. It's natural, if you've survived SA, to have these intense desires to hold people off and if you hate them for being with you then there's that common demon of self-loathing lurking around. Hope you're in regular therapy. If not, that's stop one on the journey. No question. Controlling and eradicating self-contempt is almost impossible to achieve on one's own. Believe me I tried for most of my life. The progress began when I first stated the problem aloud, as you're doing here. Then it took off whn I got into therapy.

Alex
 
I've treid therapy 5 times now.

First time she joked bout me thinking about suicide.

Second time was through work through 4 sessions.

Third time was a man and couldn't do it.

Fourth time. Tried emdr. The touching just killed it.

Fifthe time. She identified the need for therapy and tried to get me to commit to see her 3 times a week at 45 / $80 a session. I couldn't afford that so left tial between my legs.

Mark
 
There comes a time when you've hit a wall within yourself and will commit to the help, keeping at it until you've found the right person and a way to pay for it. I roamed around therapist's for years myself. Stopped roaming when a change occured within me, not without. Maybe that time has come for you.

Alex
 
Mark,

Looking at your five experiences with therapy I can assure you that ALL of them failed for reasons that have nothing to do with you.

I hope you will give it another try. You have a clearer idea of what kind of therapist you need (not a man, for example), and which procedures just won't work for you. On the costs, you don't have to see a T three times a week for therapy to be effective. We are all different, of course, but I see mine every two weeks and that works fine for me.

Much love,
Larry
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top