Family Reactions and Denial.

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Family Reactions and Denial.

:confused:

In summary I am a male survivor from the UK. On 19th September this year my Dad was sent to prison for 11.5 years for the rape and sexual assault of me and my sister(and others).

During the trial it came out that my mother knew about our abuse. My sister had told her when she was 4 years old. My mother said that my sisters language was to immature to be understood. For a long time I believed that.

Recently, after Dad was sent to prison I had a chat to my sister for the first time EVER about this subject.

She told me that she told MUM twice that she ws being abused and once that Dad was abusing me.

I have coped very well up to now. But this new knowledge has spun me out.

On top of this my mother now behaves as if I dont exist, she writes and emails my fiancee and my friends but fails to mention me and does not answer any of my communications. She is carrying on like nothing has happened.

My sister on the other hand insists that we forgive Mum and accept her for who she is. She says she wants to move on now Dad is in prison and refuses to discuss the things she told me.

So I have all this new knowledge, Mum knew and did nothing and my sister wants to forgive and forget.

I cant forgive and forget. I dont know how to deal with them.

What should I do? What should I try to do?

:confused:

Please read my story here https://www.thisislincolnshire.co.uk/displayNode.jsp?nodeId=156153&command=displayContent&sourceNode=156136&contentPK=13211034&moduleName=InternalSearch&formname=sidebarsearch
 
Ask yourself what kind of relationship you really desire with your family members - especially the ones who deny or minimalize what happened. You might be confused about this for awhile and it may take time for you to figure out what it is you truly desire.

If your mother denied the abuse was taking place and did nothing to stop it she probably was inadequate in other ways. I'd suggest you take a bit of time to look at your real relationship with her over the years.

Seek out people who will strengthen you. Avoid people who diminish you. You're a good chap. Don't let the bastards grind you down.

Take care.
 
JapanZen - I'm so sorry to hear of what you've been through. It's early here and my wife and daughter are home for the day so I can't take time to read your full story right now, but I will.

You say you've coped well until now. I can't imagine how. It's such a terrible thing when those who are supposed to protect us as children end up being those who do the most damage.

Even though your mother and sister are in denial (for some this is the only way to cope) it's good that you are not. Looking to them for help would be fruitless at this point, as you've discovered. If you haven't already, I would strongly suggest that you seek professional help. I have benefited from therapy in ways I can't explain.

Welcome to our community. I'm sure you'll be impressed by the people here, the wisdom they hold and the compassion they share.

Wishing you the best - John
 
Duncan,

I hope you won't mind me alerting the rest of the community to read your story on the link you provided. Guys, Duncan was abused by his father age 4 to 14 and as an adult came forward and pressed charges against his father when he say him walking down the street holding a 5 yo boy by the hand. Well done Duncan.

First of all, I would say - this is just my opinion - that you can safely put forgiveness out of your mind for the time being. You don't owe your father forgiveness or anything else. If at some time you feel that your recovery would be helped if you could forgive him, then you might want to think about it, otherwise you have no obligation to torture yourself over this.

Duncan, you say you have coped well until now, but remember that coping is just holding things together however you can; it isn't recovery. Finally it all just falls apart; it won't be stuck together again and that's when a lot of survivors find that they have to start looking at things seriously. I remember it well! It looks like that is where you are now.

I agree totally with John's advise that you seek professional help. This doesn't mean that you are failing in anyway. A therapist's job is to get you through the minefields with the minimum of pain and distress, like a guide.

I would agree with Defiant's suggestions concerning your family. If they will not take you seriously or refuse to talk about the issues you feel you want to work on, then you just have to seek support elsewhere. Your mother, for example, may not be ready or able to cope with what her role was in all this, but there is no reason why you should be obliged to wait around for her so you can reclaim your own life.

This is a great community and I am glad you found us. Just set your own pace, read around the site, and proceed however you feel comfortable.

Much love,
Larry
 
Hi

I read your story, well done and very brave of you to have sent your dad to prison, and to have protected more children from abuse. That must have been very far from easy, I greatly admire what you did.

I would find your sisters forgiving and forgetting very hard to take too, there isnt much you can do about her position. That is her way of coping with what happened right now and for her to face the reality of your mothers behaviour would involve a lot of painful feelings.

I told my mother about my dad when I was five, she didnt believe me and always treated me as a liar afterwards. I am not sure if she really didnt believe me, either way her denial meant that she never was going to protect us or deal with what was happening in the family.

As you say your Mum is carrying on as if nothing happened just as she did when you were children. You have made doing that more difficult for her and I imagine that is why she is behaving as though you dont exist. Its very unfair of her and another betrayal, she would have a lot to face having known and failing to protect her children.

In my own family the denial is so deep that most of my family will have nothing to do with me, and for me its better that way, much as I miss them, unless they are willing to do their own healing around this they are not good for me and I cant do anything to change them. Its true for me at least that I never did have a family in any real sense, and I have had to let them go as much as I can. I have seen one brother a few times in the last couple of years, its hard meeting him, seeing his suffering and his refusal to do anything about it.

I dont know what you should do, you are being more real than your sister by not forgiving and forgetting. It sounds like you want them to get real about what happened, that may or may not happen, from my own experience I wouldnt be too optimistic about it. I could only take care of myself and find support outside the family, family members choose denial rather than face the pain of the truth, nothing I can do would change that, much as I wish it were otherwise.

What I do is go to therapy, come here and try and heal and improve my own life.

This site has been helpful for me, hope it is for you too.

Take care,
Peter.
 
Duncan - I just read the article. Thank you for sharing. You are, indeed, a very courageous man. You may have prevented countless other children from being hurt by that monster. And I'm so sorry for what you have suffered. I hope to see you returning here to read and learn and share with us all. I wish you peace in your heart and soul - John
 
Hi Duncan.

I'm pleased that you have decided to have a look at MS so to that I say welcome, you will find here guys that have been through what you are going through at present and have come out the other side, you will find strength and hope in this forum and hope is perhaps the strongest feeling we all need as sometimes it appears impossible to get all through this crap, but it can be done.

The guys here have proved to me that we ALL can be WINNERS so stick with them, I have and I win day by day and so can we all.

There is nothing like experience to show others.

Kirk
 
Bravo,

I feel so bad for you, I am shocked by your story.
Please keep working on your recovery. Some people like to be in denial as they donot want to feel the pain.

Be strong and recover fully.
God bless you. Some time i wonder why god creates monsters like your perp.
 
Duncan
Welcome to MS, and thank you for your bravery. I find it truly inspirational.

What you do regarding your mother is difficult, and ultimately something only you can decide upon I think.
But it does need thinking about and discussing, that way we see all the angles and think outside our usual framework.

I think many partners of abusers live in fear, especially after they discover or begin to suspect their partner is abusing.
Suddenly their whole world disintigrates, or they come face to face with the prospect of the disintigration of their relationship.
Whatever, they see that the person they love or loved is / might be something they despise, and their own values and judgement are suddenly questioned.
"surely I didn't marry a pervert?" is a question nobody wants to face.

How they deal with that question is a different issue, but surely the initial shock and horror of discovering something as awful as the abuse of children within your own family is an experience that's so far out of 'normal' experiences that most people just wouldn't have a clue how to deal with it initially?

Having said that, "if" she did nothing about it for a long time then I'd ask "why?" - and expect answers.
If you didn't get answers, then maybe other angles need to be looked at.

I might not seem very positive here, but I am towards you as a survivor. Perhaps I'm playing 'devils advocate' a bit here?
I'm not making excuses for her, just giving food for thought.

I hope MS becomes a good place for you, there's great support and friendship here and a place for every survivor.

Take care
Dave
 
Duncan, I can relate to your story. I was also raped by my father. You have worked hard to protect yourself and now you are safe from his abuse. During your recovery surround yourself with people who will support you help you develop your inner peace. It is important to find a good therapist who is skillfull in treating male victims of sexual abuse.

My family is unable to accept that my father was a sick, evil monster. I have not tried to tell them of the sexual abuse as they cannot accept his verbal abuse, mistreatment and physical abuse.

Slow and steady steps! I wish good health, love and peace.

All the best,
JAAY
 
I expected my parents to care about me and love and accept me completely and unconditionally, just as I thought God would.

But I forgot they were mere mortals, just trying their best, they were and are as fallible as me.

Years later I realized that the only God that I would ever find would be in me. So in a way my parents unknowingly pushed me on to my spiritual path. And lessons learnt thru pain are seldom forgotten. So Thanks!

Today I think I have found a place called home.

Besides that Universe helped me meet so many people who not only inspired me and nurtured me instead. Above all, now I have chosen to enhance me!

Many Thanks to all the people who have brought me to this point and to JapanZEN for turning his life into an inspiration.

:)
 
Thank you to everyone who replied to my message, I didnt think I would get such good advice.

I will have to read through some of it again and again as this is the 1st time I have had so many opinions on the subject.

I find normally when i speak to someone about it, they usually disappear from view.

I did have therapy for 2 years (gestalt psychotherapy)which I feel gave me training in mind control. Currently I am unable to seek out therapy again because I can't speak the language well enough for the country I am in.

Also I am a psychology graduate, my therapist recommended me to do a degree in psychology as a means to an end, to understand myself and my attacker. I studied the abnormal sexualities course, unfortunately they barely mentioned paedophillia.

I went for therapy once before the trial, it was a joke.

I outlined my story, my problems and my life and the guy looks at me and says "I sense a lot of anger in you?"

Which chapter of therapy for dummies did you get that from??

I hope that I can talk with people here, for me talk is therapy.

When I was in the UK I was surrounded by supportive friends. In Japan I have only my fiancee.

Again, thank to all who replied.

Youve made a difference already.

:)
 
My opinion is that if the abuser denies what they have done, then they have absolutely no right to forgiveness. If abusers admit what they have done, then it is our decision whether or not we forgive them. Those that support the abuser are as the abuser!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
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