Family denial the ultimate tragedy!

Family denial the ultimate tragedy!
R

reality2k4

Registrant
OK, you suffer abuse and all the consequences of what it does to your life, and then your family or parents deny it all, why?

Because it is conveniently forgotten about, yes, it had to be that way because it is unspeakable to have been abused and the family admit it.

So, hey family, did I go through all this shit, for you even to deny it really happened!
Time and time again, I read about survivors not being backed up, by their own flesh and blood.

I wish I could forget, but it makes me into a liar, and not just me but the vast amount of stories I read here about parents and relations blocking out the taboo of the past, and not wanting to be part of the reality of what happened.

Why? They did not suffer, but they must have known about it, or did we mask it so much as to have been nothing back then or even now.

How? Did they manage to put it away in their minds, I do not know, other than to keep it out of converstion, and say, hey, it never really happened.

This is not about me, its about all of us, and how we are treated by family in complete denial.
If I mix this with the denial I put into my own mind, then it cements into the present.

We were only kids right, and when I think about the hurt I went through, and the hurt you guys went through, then I think we need to be at least heard, for the hurt we went through.

I think that you guys deserve a mass, and I mean a mass Huggathon.

Here goes,

((((((((((((((((((Hug)))))))))))))))))))

ste
 
my dad found my brother screwing me...he yelled at us..you dont see bulls in the barn doing that..we were told to go to our rooms..nothing else was said..my mother never came by to see if i was ok.....
 
Ste and Sabata,

That's a tough one to process, but remember above all that this reflects ONLY on those who failed to help you or keep you safe. You deserved so much better.

Much love,
Larry
 
You are not alone with your hurting and frustration. I am in a very similar situation and every day I am fighting to stay proud and to stand up for myself. And I am angry as hell.

I've been trying very hard to communicate with my siblings lately and they have been utter sh*ts. When I told my brother that yes it was a line in the sand that he had to believe me in order for us to have any kind of relationship, he lost his temper and said he'd call me when he was "ready to come over to my side and drink the kool-aid."

So get tough, for yourself. Really, really tough. Your family members would have to really confront themselves in order to deal and I've learned the hard way that sometimes they really would probably rather you just disappeared. If there is a way to put the blame on the messenger of bad news, many people will choose to do just that. It sucks but in the end the shame is theirs, not yours. Don't let anyone take another day of your life man.

And never forget the flip side, as MLK said: "the arc of history is long but it curves towards justice." That one helps me everyday.

Peace and Love.
 
TW,

MLK and all the other renowned preachers give me hope too.

None of my dads kids, my brothers and sister had kids, but is it my fault, NO!
I am glad in a way, because I would not let my kids have to live in the World hijacked by greed and inhumanity.

In the past from when I was a kid, it was always me who broke down barriers they set.
Now its their turn, and they are too weak to even attempt it,

ste
 
r2k4

I share your rage. It is very important that you hold onto that rage and recognize it for what it is. It is like a baby that needs to be attended to and that baby is you. This is something I first heard in the past year and it has helped me very, very much.

I want to let you know you are not alone and I want to share the things that have helped me. First, yes you did hide it that well and that is a testament to your strength. Now you get to focus that strength on creating your own life, not just surviving. This experience sucks ass and it is NOT a lesson. But you have these amazing strengths that you had to learn and you CAN make them healthy in time. Second, I used to despair too because I had no witness and eventually I realized that I am my own witness as soon as I trust myself and let myself grow strong and confident. Why does it matter if your family believes you? What difference does it make to your life? Stand up to them by expecting nothing from them. Don't let them push you around.

And people do do evil things in life, but the world is a good place. The sun rises and sets every single day and people *are* good to one another very, very often. I am not an optimist or naive because I am also well aware of much, much horror, but you just have to tune into the goodness. It is your right as a human being to experience that goodness, and now you need to bear witness to that.

This is probably a little preachy. We're all in different places and there were times when what I just wrote would have only made me more angry. Nonetheless, there are strangers out here who care about your well being very, very much and have been or are going through all of what you describe.

Love and Peace
 
When My Mother found out her ex boyfriend she was letting stay at our house (in me and my brothers bedroom) was molesting me she threw him out. I had crawled into her bed after he had crawled into mine and I ran out. She asked if he had gotten into bed with me and I said yes. There was never one more word spoken about it for the rest of her life. Never what has he done?, how many times or how long was it going on? I got the message that it was to horrible to even acknowledge. She was a very sick alcoholic women. She went to a hearing of some sort to get him off of a charge of child molestation from his prior girlfriend (HELLO! RED FLAG) She told my sister that after she kicked him out and did express regret.
I have been wanting to talk about it with that brother for some time now but have not yet. I think I am ready any day now. He is 8 years older but was there and might know more information. I don't know if he every tried anything on him, I don't think so. I was 4 and 5 so my brother was about 9 when the perp came on the scene. I have recently talked to my older brother and sister about the SA. They are 18 and 20 years older and knew about it but never said anything until I brought it up in the last month or two. The one who was there does not like to talk about anything negative about our mother at all. I not sure if he even knows but probably does.
Tom
 
i tried to talk with my brother once..that was a mistake..so much for that..my mother is gone..my dad would never talk about anything like that.. just get tough and live with..dear old dad would say...steve
 
I was not abused by a sibling or other relative, but I have had my share of VERY toxic relatives. Not parents or siblings, but close enough that it hurt a lot.

One thing I eventually learned is that being my relative doesn't make a bitter selfish person less bitter or selfish - it just makes it harder for ME to cope with him! After one memorable catastrophe I decided that's it and wrote these people off my dance card. I wasn't nasty about it - no ultimatums. I just stopped calling them, asking if I can visit, inviting them around, sending them birthday and Christmas cards, and so on. I left it up to them to decide if they were willing to hold up their half - or at least a tenth - of our relationship. The result was silence, as I expected, but fine - their decision and I am now free from them until the (unlikely) day they want things to change.

I think we need to give some thought to what a family is. For me it ought to be my safe inner circle of loving trustworthy people where I can feel special and appreciated and make the others feel the same way. These people don't have to be blood relatives, and several of those in my "circle" aren't. I just have a second Mom, an honorary little brother and a third sister. :)

In this sense I think we can all have a family even if our blood family is a disaster. We all deserve the ties and feelings that a loving safe family circle provides.

Much love,
Larry
 
one thing i learned is that family can hurt you worse than anyone else ,if i get no attention from a stranger ,so what if i get none from my dad ,problem. a shitty comment from someone on the street no big deal ,a shitty comment from your dad ? big deal.if some kid calls you a faggot ,might piss you off ,if your dad does it? huge damage ? most kids really dont trust strangers ,all kids trust family members,big mistake
 
wow

thanks for all the posts guys: I really thought I was alone with this topic. For the last six years I have been trying to work out a resolution with my family: thought it was me, just had to be less "reactive", not buy into it, "come from a place of love" . . . but the attacks just got worse and worse. Silence from many, a letter to me from my uncle saying that he noticed I had sent him an "e-mail of a personal nature, so he deleted it" Encouragement to be nice to my dad from many.

and then my father "how can you say this and call yourself spiritual"

my father is the one who raped me pretty regularly for four years but my step-mother is the one who keeps attacking me.

I finally told her to fuck off. I said if she had be to be so bloody defensive/offensive she should ask herself what she is protecting! I got some other stuff off my chest too.

I REACTED big time.

And, to quote larry. I wrote her off my dance card! I wish I had done it better, just ignored her, coz she loves it when I get angry but hey I'm human.

I did a little graph of my family with toxic, ok, and hope: i put my sisters under hope even though they haven't spoken to me for 6 years. The rest are toxic for now.

Whoever said be tough was right!!
 
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