Family Denial and what to do

In summary I am a male survivor from the UK. On 19th September this year my Dad was sent to prison for 11.5 years for the rape and sexual assault of me and my sister(and others).

During the trial it came out that my mother knew about our abuse. My sister had told her when she was 4 years old. My mother said that my sisters language was to immature to be understood. For a long time I believed that.

Recently, after Dad was sent to prison I had a chat to my sister for the first time EVER about this subject.

She told me that she told MUM twice that she ws being abused and once that Dad was abusing me.

I have coped very well up to now. But this new knowledge has spun me out.

On top of this my mother now behaves as if I dont exist, she writes and emails my fiancee and my friends but fails to mention me and does not answer any of my communications. She is carrying on like nothing has happened.

My sister on the other hand insists that we forgive Mum and accept her for who she is. She says she wants to move on now Dad is in prison and refuses to discuss the things she told me.

So I have all this new knowledge, Mum knew and did nothing and my sister wants to forgive and forget.

I cant forgive and forget. I dont know how to deal with them.

What should I do? What should I try to do?



Please read my story here

[edited by moderator to shorten link--S]

 

[SAR]

Hi JapanZen,

Welcome to MS.

I put the link to your post in the word "here" to fit everything on the screen, but I hope everyone checks out the article. You did a tremendous thing, if there's anything that this community can do to help you out, please ask.

Anyway, that's not what you're here for-- I am so sorry that your mother was unable to do what needed to be done for you and your sister, and I am sorry that she continues to deny you the things that you need.

Have you thought about what it is that you would like from your mother and sister? What could your mom say to you now that would be supportive of you or help you to deal with what she's done? Is your ultimate goal to be able to accept and build a relationship, or do you just want an opportunity to confront and get some answers?

You (obviously) don't have to answer to me here-- my suggestion to you is that you give yourself some conscious, specific goals-- thinking about it in pieces like this is maybe easier than trying to tackle the issue of "how to deal with them" all at once.

Also, if you can give your sister and mother some clear idea of what you need from them, they might be better able to give it to you-- for example, instead of "why won't you discuss anything with me" you could say "I'd like to be able to share X and Y with you."

In the end, it's not just up to you. If they can't or won't have the kind of interaction with you that you're looking for, you may have to accept it. I wish you luck and strength in this.

SAR

 

MMmm yeah I would like to build a relationship with both of them, but it has to be based on honesty.

I want to know from Mum what really went on, why she didnt do anything to protect us.

Her story and my sisters story dont tie up, they dont match.

How can I get to the bottom of who is telling the truth?

Mum has not got long left to live, a couple of years at most.

I would like some answers before she goes, so I can put that SMALL piece of the jigsaw into place and find a bit more peace.

I have written dozens of mails and letters asking her why? and begging her to speak to someone, a professional but she wont.

I think its because she fears blame.

I dont know.

With regards to my sister, we have a little longer to work on it, shes only 4 years older than me, so we can take our time a bit more.

I welcome any advice

 

[endlessjourney]

Wow, it must have taken a lot of courage to come out and speak out for yourself when it came to your dad's encarceration. It almost angers me to read that your mother made excuses to cover up what happened when you were young. My mother did the same thing. Do you ever think that feeling resentment is there for a reason. I do. It sounds as if your sister is in denial of that and is affraid of dealing directly with the issue. Have you considered confronting your mother once again (when you feel ready). I am a firm believer in that, the issue's aren't gone if your still angry about them. There is more than one kind of abuse. You have direct abuse, and you have the abuse that was done to you by the neglect from the people that were supposed to protect you. Excuses can be made, the abuse can be minimized, and false stories can be told. However, it sounds as if you know what's really going on and you're pissed. That is definitely a good thing. I myself have been through similar issues and I wonder if you have ever looked into any literature around how to confront someone for issues like these. Maybe speaking to a counselor or reading up on confrontations in some books involving sexual abuse. They don't only talk about confronting the abusers but they talk about confronting third parties that are somewhat responsible for the abuse even taking place and the covering up of it. If and when you confront, remember, the person who remains calm is in control of the conversation. If you talk to her, it is likely that she'll get defensive and lash out in different ways so it's important to keep a level head and remain focused. This may take you several times to get it all out but It can be extremely beneficial to you and your relationship with your mom.

 

[shadowkid]

i hope you don't mind if i ask do you still somewhere deep down care about your dad? when i told my dad about what happ[ened to me he got angry and wanted me to lie to the police he said that my cousin hurting me was a family matter and he would deal with it ,like you i found out later that he knew my cousin was a pedophile when he took me to stay with him . when i told the police what happened to me my dad cut me out of his life forever ,the last thing he said to me was i was a little faggot and liked what my cousin did . trouble is i still loved him even after all that ,i wrote to him begging him to come home ,told him i was sorry i screwed up and told the police ,i even offered to tell them i had lied .i got no response why do we care about them ,i know i was only 11 but i needed my dad to be a dad ,i miss all the things we never did together,i hate myself for still wanting him to love me shadow