Family death, and the grieving process

[BFree27]

What is the grieving process when you can barely feel your emotions as it is? Is this a good time to try and regulate them, because you can't help but be bombarded? What do you do if it's too much?

He's gone now. So unfair, a young heart's beat crushed so early when he had such potential. Such a vast amount of knowledge he held, even for his 18 years. How does one move on?
Memories flood back of houses I haven't remembered in years; his tiny baby fingers curling around mine. Cuddling and watching cartoons back when my parents didn't have a TV. Laughing at how his geckos felt running across our arms. All of us piling into his living room on Christmas Eve, opening the presents the "night before" because that's the night I would be there. Stuffing ourselves with junk food, running around the house like maniacs. One year stands out in particular, when I was able to stay the night. He wanted to sleep next to me because my visits were getting shorter and farther apart.
In the middle of the night he started crying, because he'd eaten too much, and he felt like he was going to barf. We got him a bowl but he missed, which made him feel bad, but we took care of it as best as we could at that age, because that's what you do for your younger siblings. You go to the end of the Earth for them if you have to.
Even when I wasn't able to visit anymore, we were in contact. At least once a month. I was so proud of the man he was becoming; he had so much love for the world, spent every waking moment gathering and spreading as much love and joy as he could. I miss him so much.

Rest in peace, little brother. I know you'll be waiting for me with some amazing stories to tell.

 

[Sterling]

Mine ,as well as other survivors grieve here with you.
luv.
James

 

[BFree27]

Thank you for being the one who seems to always be listening.

 

[Bluedogone]

The Kubler-Ross model of the five stages of grief become meaningless when we view them through the loss of such a dear, beloved brother. We join you, but can only share a small part of your grief.

Your shared memories are a great memorial to him.

We see through a glass, darkly. But then, face to face...

 

[bluesky]

(((((BFree)))))

 

[30something]

Feeling tender-hearted for you in your loss, brother.

Asa

 

[Jay1946]

I share your sense of loss and grief. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Two days ago a 16 year old nephew died of complications from Leukemia. My wife and I are devastated.

It just seems so unfair. There just seems to be no way of making sense of a loss like this. It hurts so much to see his parents and younger brother in so much pain and grief. A pain that will accompany them for the rest of their lives.

What can one tell them? How can one console them?

 

[BFree27]

It is entirely unfair. Honestly the best thing for me so far is when someone actually lets me talk about my pain, lets me cry, lets me shout and scream about how unfair it actually is. Because I know that the first instinct is to say "I'm sorry" and "everything's going to be okay" but it's not okay and it's not going to be for a long time so don't tell me it is.

Other than that I would suggest keeping an eye on your family members, make sure they're not displaying any worrisome things for too long (which in the professional scheme of things is about 2 weeks but is totally understandable if you get worried and reach out before then). Really make sure they're processing; if they're not talking to you make sure they're talking to SOMEONE. Maybe try and get some one-on-one time with the younger brother, take him out to a movie or something, to distract him and give the parents some room to process without having to "perform" as happy for their child.

In the grand scheme of things, when there's such a significant family death the best thing you can do for the family is try and keep to the schedule you've already established with loads of self-care and counseling. That way anything that starts to slip and seem extremely out of the ordinary will be very apparent and you'll be able to get that living family member help as soon as possible.

Hope any of this helped.

 

[30something]

It's helpful, BFree. I'm keeping an eye on (and both ears open for) a close family member now. Thank you for generously offering advice when you're suffering from a loss yourself.

Asa

 

[BFree27]

Of course. Anytime, please reach out if you need it. One of the best forms of self-care for me is helping others.

I went to my brother's viewing today. It was very surreal, open "casket" as I guess he's getting cremated and his mother wanted to make sure everyone got a last chance to see him, interact with him, before he's fully gone from this world.

Death is a strange thing. It can push people apart, bring them together, trigger someone beyond believe, or bring one of the most serene calms I've ever felt in my life.

His mother... She's the only woman I've ever called my step mom and I had so much anxiety about seeing her. But she was exactly as I remembered her, just this tiny firecracker that can get through anything with her sick but beautiful sense of humor. We haven't seen each other for literally a decade and I've become a man since then, yet we instantly recognized each other from across the room and were attached at the hip. I'll be visiting her again in two weeks; I'm honestly extremely excited and almost a little high off of the love and energy that we built up for Alex today. I know in my heart he was there.

I left a gift for him, too. A small stuffed raccoon.

The weekend I'm visiting my step mom, it's going to be a full celebration for him. Camping, music, lights, good food... I'm excited. This is definitely the right way to process a death. It shouldn't have happened, but it did. There's nothing that can be done to change that. All you can do is try to move forward with as much love and understanding for yourself as you can, and know that each day is a different battle.

 

[Sterling]

You have incredible strength BFREE27.

I am a little jealous b/c I haven't processed or allowed all
my memories.
I feel I can't let go ; not all at once.
I feel you have inspired me.
Sorry about your loss ; and thanks for assisting in
putting things in perspective - to enjoy life!
Never knowing what is going to happen.
Thanks again; and congrats to giving such love to him and
showing your brother how much he deserved to have you!
xo
J

 

[30something]

I hope celebrating his life this weekend was magical and healing.

Asa

 

[BFree27]

Thank you! I've gained so much positive energy and perspective, even from a bad situation like this. I miss him so much but I can't not love the people who are still here right? I need to be here for you all, for my chosen family, for his mother. Chaos is part of life after all.