Falsely Accused Victim (Possible Triggers)

Celtaf

Registrant
Apologies for writing what may appear to be a novel, but I am trying to sort out some of my thoughts, and I hope no one minds if I share them here. It feels like a very complicated story.

From my late childhood into my early teens, I was abused by the woman my father married a few years after he divorced my mother. When I was in my mid-teens, she accused me of being abusive towards my younger half-sister. I suspect that this was because I had begun to protest against her treatment of me. Anyway, I denied it, because I had not abused my half-sister. No one believed me though, and I was first put into foster care and then into a mental hospital, where I continued to deny it. Finally, my father told me that if I didn't confess I would never be able to come home. I ended up confessing, but the people there didn't believe me, and convinced me that somehow I had done bad things and had simply blotted them out of my mind, perhaps out of guilt. After I got out I had have repeated sessions with people to assess whether or not I still posed a problem. I never did get to go home--why I even wanted to I do not know. The woman my father married divorced him. I continued to live in social services, where I was abused by others.

For many years I avoided anything like marriage, and stayed alive only because I was worried that suicide was a sin and I would go to Hell. Otherwise, I did the bare minimum I needed to survive, neglecting my body, neglecting any possible achievements, working minimum wage jobs. I was afraid to form close relationships with anyone because I believed I was a monster like a werewolf that did not know the evil it did. It was only many years later that I was given access to my psych evaluation, where I noticed repeated words like 'denial', and that I had 'projected' my abusive behavior onto the woman my father married. There had been, in their final estimation, no evidence that I was inclined towards anything abusive with regard to children. However, they never told me that.

For many years I was also haunted by awful nightmares, panic attacks, anxiety driven sleeplessness, and physical pain in my lower body.
I never confronted the woman who abused me. I had noticed things that had deeply troubled me throughout: no one had ever believed my denials. Even though there was evidence my family should have seen that I was being abused, they never interfered. My father, who was oblivious to it, was swift to defend his wife of the slightest criticism. (He feels immensely bad about that now, and has said his only answer to why was his then arrogance and stupidity) Furthermore, I had noticed how shocked and disbelieving people were towards men and boys who claimed to have been abused by women. As for the abuse I endured in social services, I learned to deal with it by becoming hyper aggressive. My father at least apologized and had shown me the psych evaluation. But I don't feel like anyone would believe me if I told of my abuse outside of a very small circle of people.

I was, naturally, afraid of going to see a counselor, because i saw all psychologists, psychiatrists and their assistants as people who would mistreat me. Eventually, however, I realized that my life had come to a standstill and that I had to do something. I got through a year of counseling, attended university at last (as a middle aged man) and got a degree. It has improved my living situation somewhat and given me an achievement.

Right now it is difficult to get more counseling. One thing I am still deeply troubled by is that though I am managing the other parts of my condition, I have discovered that I am extremely sensitive to even the hint of an unfair accusation or any unfairness at all. It does not seem to me that I can handle these things in a normal way, whatever that is, because I notice how often people don't care if you raise complaints or concerns. Because of this, I because furiously angry. I have recognized this as fear that I hide with anger because it makes me feel less helpless and less dependent upon others. I feel as though if I can somehow find a better way to emotionally deal with unfairness I will be less haunted.

Another observation I have is that I am better able to address my concerns if I imagine that I am doing so on behalf of a teenage boy that came to me for help. When I'm focused on it being me I still have a hard time being compassionate towards myself about it, or even seeing my experiences as significant. I spent a lot of time trying to be tough. It's something I can't really do anymore though, because it's destructive. So I guess that's two things.
 
Hi there again @Cetlaf. Thank you so much for writing this. You're living proof that things really CAN get better with hard work and determination and I thank you for reminding me that is IS possible.

I am SO sorry you experienced the false accusations you did. Accused men like us are allowed to be the cannon fodder in the war between the sexes. We're assumed to be guilty simply because we're men. This is wrong and causes so much more pain for those of us who really don't need any more trauma. I'm glad you are able to talk about it.
 

Bornfree

Registrant
Apologies for writing what may appear to be a novel, but I am trying to sort out some of my thoughts, and I hope no one minds if I share them here. It feels like a very complicated story.

From my late childhood into my early teens, I was abused by the woman my father married a few years after he divorced my mother. When I was in my mid-teens, she accused me of being abusive towards my younger half-sister. I suspect that this was because I had begun to protest against her treatment of me. Anyway, I denied it, because I had not abused my half-sister. No one believed me though, and I was first put into foster care and then into a mental hospital, where I continued to deny it. Finally, my father told me that if I didn't confess I would never be able to come home. I ended up confessing, but the people there didn't believe me, and convinced me that somehow I had done bad things and had simply blotted them out of my mind, perhaps out of guilt. After I got out I had have repeated sessions with people to assess whether or not I still posed a problem. I never did get to go home--why I even wanted to I do not know. The woman my father married divorced him. I continued to live in social services, where I was abused by others.

For many years I avoided anything like marriage, and stayed alive only because I was worried that suicide was a sin and I would go to Hell. Otherwise, I did the bare minimum I needed to survive, neglecting my body, neglecting any possible achievements, working minimum wage jobs. I was afraid to form close relationships with anyone because I believed I was a monster like a werewolf that did not know the evil it did. It was only many years later that I was given access to my psych evaluation, where I noticed repeated words like 'denial', and that I had 'projected' my abusive behavior onto the woman my father married. There had been, in their final estimation, no evidence that I was inclined towards anything abusive with regard to children. However, they never told me that.

For many years I was also haunted by awful nightmares, panic attacks, anxiety driven sleeplessness, and physical pain in my lower body.
I never confronted the woman who abused me. I had noticed things that had deeply troubled me throughout: no one had ever believed my denials. Even though there was evidence my family should have seen that I was being abused, they never interfered. My father, who was oblivious to it, was swift to defend his wife of the slightest criticism. (He feels immensely bad about that now, and has said his only answer to why was his then arrogance and stupidity) Furthermore, I had noticed how shocked and disbelieving people were towards men and boys who claimed to have been abused by women. As for the abuse I endured in social services, I learned to deal with it by becoming hyper aggressive. My father at least apologized and had shown me the psych evaluation. But I don't feel like anyone would believe me if I told of my abuse outside of a very small circle of people.

I was, naturally, afraid of going to see a counselor, because i saw all psychologists, psychiatrists and their assistants as people who would mistreat me. Eventually, however, I realized that my life had come to a standstill and that I had to do something. I got through a year of counseling, attended university at last (as a middle aged man) and got a degree. It has improved my living situation somewhat and given me an achievement.

Right now it is difficult to get more counseling. One thing I am still deeply troubled by is that though I am managing the other parts of my condition, I have discovered that I am extremely sensitive to even the hint of an unfair accusation or any unfairness at all. It does not seem to me that I can handle these things in a normal way, whatever that is, because I notice how often people don't care if you raise complaints or concerns. Because of this, I because furiously angry. I have recognized this as fear that I hide with anger because it makes me feel less helpless and less dependent upon others. I feel as though if I can somehow find a better way to emotionally deal with unfairness I will be less haunted.

Another observation I have is that I am better able to address my concerns if I imagine that I am doing so on behalf of a teenage boy that came to me for help. When I'm focused on it being me I still have a hard time being compassionate towards myself about it, or even seeing my experiences as significant. I spent a lot of time trying to be tough. It's something I can't really do anymore though, because it's destructive. So I guess that's two things.
So sorry to what you had to deal with! Though, in some ways very similar to mine. No one believed me when I told them about things others did(not sexual, just being bullied). Even a school principal accused me of starting the school yard fights. I almost laughed at him in disgust. Almost hilarious in some ways but back then that was the reality. I remember one time in particular, guess about 9 yrs old, kids were taunting me and bringing up some extremely embarrassing things I did sexually when I was 4, 5 maybe, and they told all the neighbourhood boys that afternoon. In an act of total frustration, and I don't know what else, I picked up a small stone and meant to throw it down at my feet. somehow it slipped through my fingers and hit another boy just above his eye. I ended up going home, and then my father was on the phone with the parents about what happened, but only got one side of the story. I tried so hard to try to explain what had happened and not bringing up the sexual abuse that I went through by a couple of those tormentors. Instead, I was told to pull my pants down and my underwear and got belted on my bare backside for throwing a rock. I never did get a chance to explain, so I got beaten by my dad once again. It's terrible what some boys have to put up with when growing up. I also have great problems with trust issues too. I don't have any real close friends, except for my wife whom we've been together 30+ years. I just can't trust people anymore. Great news about you getting a university degree. Again, that's something I will never have because once again no one believed me when I said I was having problems, they all thought I was being lazy and not putting effort in. There is more to that story, I guess instead of posting in bits and pieces I should start writing my story out!
 

Celtaf

Registrant
Hi there again @Cetlaf. Thank you so much for writing this. You're living proof that things really CAN get better with hard work and determination and I thank you for reminding me that is IS possible.

I am SO sorry you experienced the false accusations you did. Accused men like us are allowed to be the cannon fodder in the war between the sexes. We're assumed to be guilty simply because we're men. This is wrong and causes so much more pain for those of us who really don't need any more trauma. I'm glad you are able to talk about it.
Thank you for saying this. It is not something I'm glad others experienced, but it is heartening to see someone write "accused men like us". I agree, it does feel like being an acceptable loss or something. It is good to know that others who have experienced this support one another.
 

Celtaf

Registrant
So sorry to what you had to deal with! Though, in some ways very similar to mine. No one believed me when I told them about things others did(not sexual, just being bullied). Even a school principal accused me of starting the school yard fights. I almost laughed at him in disgust. Almost hilarious in some ways but back then that was the reality. I remember one time in particular, guess about 9 yrs old, kids were taunting me and bringing up some extremely embarrassing things I did sexually when I was 4, 5 maybe, and they told all the neighbourhood boys that afternoon. In an act of total frustration, and I don't know what else, I picked up a small stone and meant to throw it down at my feet. somehow it slipped through my fingers and hit another boy just above his eye. I ended up going home, and then my father was on the phone with the parents about what happened, but only got one side of the story. I tried so hard to try to explain what had happened and not bringing up the sexual abuse that I went through by a couple of those tormentors. Instead, I was told to pull my pants down and my underwear and got belted on my bare backside for throwing a rock. I never did get a chance to explain, so I got beaten by my dad once again. It's terrible what some boys have to put up with when growing up. I also have great problems with trust issues too. I don't have any real close friends, except for my wife whom we've been together 30+ years. I just can't trust people anymore. Great news about you getting a university degree. Again, that's something I will never have because once again no one believed me when I said I was having problems, they all thought I was being lazy and not putting effort in. There is more to that story, I guess instead of posting in bits and pieces I should start writing my story out!

You should tell your story. It would help others who are suffering in similar ways, because it is so easy to feel alone. People act like they're hearing a weird story that doesn't make sense when you try to talk about it, and because it doesn't fit typical narratives, you have to explain so much

Being punished for trying to tell the truth is awful. I have experienced that as well. My father, years and years later, said very sadly that he would think back to the time of my abuse and wondered why he didn't ask me more questions or try to believe me, and he admitted he had simply been caught up in the moment and was performing as he thought he ought to. I imagine your father thought he was protecting your family's reputation and trying to teach you a lesson, not realizing that he was being very unjust and contributing to your trauma. Or maybe he didn't care; I don't know.

It's funny--you congratulating me on my degree. Let me congratulate you on your marriage. I've dated women, have had sex with women, but marriage is not something I have done. When I think about it, the sex was performative, as was the dating, to prove that I was a man. It may be too hard for me to trust anyone to that degree. I have an online girlfriend right now, but I have to admit that I like it that way. I don't know if I could ever trust a woman that much.
 

Bornfree

Registrant
You should tell your story. It would help others who are suffering in similar ways, because it is so easy to feel alone. People act like they're hearing a weird story that doesn't make sense when you try to talk about it, and because it doesn't fit typical narratives, you have to explain so much

Being punished for trying to tell the truth is awful. I have experienced that as well. My father, years and years later, said very sadly that he would think back to the time of my abuse and wondered why he didn't ask me more questions or try to believe me, and he admitted he had simply been caught up in the moment and was performing as he thought he ought to. I imagine your father thought he was protecting your family's reputation and trying to teach you a lesson, not realizing that he was being very unjust and contributing to your trauma. Or maybe he didn't care; I don't know.

It's funny--you congratulating me on my degree. Let me congratulate you on your marriage. I've dated women, have had sex with women, but marriage is not something I have done. When I think about it, the sex was performative, as was the dating, to prove that I was a man. It may be too hard for me to trust anyone to that degree. I have an online girlfriend right now, but I have to admit that I like it that way. I don't know if I could ever trust a woman that much.
For a child to have trust broken so many times, it becomes devastating having to relive the details of that particular abuse. The child never regains trust with anyone really afterwards and too often leads to suicide. So very tragic. I have a pit in the bottom of my stomach every time I hear about a child/teen who has taken his/her life because for them, it is the only escape of abuse related issues there is. I was almost a statistic, but I was too exhausted that night to go through with it. I was 14.
 

NewGerasene

Registrant
I totally believe your story and am appalled by how you were treated by your family and the services that should have supported you. I hope things are better for boys today. I would like to think things are changing. I hope so, anyway. As a minister and mental health professional, I try to raise attention to the abuse of boys, too, not just girls. Congratulations on getting a college education--that's a real accomplishment. I really admire how you envision yourself standing up for a teenage boy. If that's what it takes for you to speak up for yourself, more power to you. It means you're willing to advocate for others. Like I said, I admire that. You've been treated so unfairly, by so many people, @Celtaf , and you're showing yourself to be strong in spite of it. Thanks for writing your story.
 

Celtaf

Registrant
For a child to have trust broken so many times, it becomes devastating having to relive the details of that particular abuse. The child never regains trust with anyone really afterwards and too often leads to suicide. So very tragic. I have a pit in the bottom of my stomach every time I hear about a child/teen who has taken his/her life because for them, it is the only escape of abuse related issues there is. I was almost a statistic, but I was too exhausted that night to go through with it. I was 14.
I was studying PTSD, including what is called Complex PTSD, and I was surprised at how many symptoms of it that I have. I hope you are no longer inclined towards suicide and have some idea now of the healing you need. I think you are right, it can't be taken away, the experience of abuse, but I'm hoping from my own progress that a guy can increasingly handle it well.
 

Celtaf

Registrant
I totally believe your story and am appalled by how you were treated by your family and the services that should have supported you. I hope things are better for boys today. I would like to think things are changing. I hope so, anyway. As a minister and mental health professional, I try to raise attention to the abuse of boys, too, not just girls. Congratulations on getting a college education--that's a real accomplishment. I really admire how you envision yourself standing up for a teenage boy. If that's what it takes for you to speak up for yourself, more power to you. It means you're willing to advocate for others. Like I said, I admire that. You've been treated so unfairly, by so many people, @Celtaf , and you're showing yourself to be strong in spite of it. Thanks for writing your story.

I wonder about that. I think society is divided on the subject, and that there is still uncertainty about how to handle it. When it comes to female on male abuse, in particular, while it is discussed more there is still a tendency for the average person to find it so odd that it scarcely seems credible. I'm glad you are doing the work you are doing, it's important. Thank you for being so supportive.
 

Bornfree

Registrant
I was studying PTSD, including what is called Complex PTSD, and I was surprised at how many symptoms of it that I have. I hope you are no longer inclined towards suicide and have some idea now of the healing you need. I think you are right, it can't be taken away, the experience of abuse, but I'm hoping from my own progress that a guy can increasingly handle it well.
I don't think of the sexual abuse so much now, except for the one doc who raped me when doing a rectal exam which at age 12 is almost never done, (very unusual circumstances for one needed on a 12 yr old) and that was because he did not "listen" to me when I was trying to tell him how I felt, so that he could diagnose my illness. He just did the usual palpitations, stethoscope, and then stuck his fingers up my butt. After that, he turned to my father standing there and said bluntly, "Oh, he JUST has the flu. We will keep him here for a week until he feels better. Well, that week in an old victorian era ward (almost) 12 boys to a room, it was horrible. kids crying all the time, boy next to me 15 yr old had pneumonia and I had "flu" which decades later diagnosed as encephalitis. I should have been put in an isolation room to make sure that either I did not pass the illness on to others, such as the boy beside me, or that I could get complications on top of what I had such as pneumonia or whatever else was floating around! As it was, I started having seizures, and it got scary! I did not know what was going on, nobody would come over and listen to me, there I am in a ward full of boys feeling abandoned! and very much all alone.
 

Bornfree

Registrant
I don't think of the sexual abuse so much now, except for the one doc who raped me when doing a rectal exam which at age 12 is almost never done, (very unusual circumstances for one needed on a 12 yr old) and that was because he did not "listen" to me when I was trying to tell him how I felt, so that he could diagnose my illness. He just did the usual palpitations, stethoscope, and then stuck his fingers up my butt. After that, he turned to my father standing there and said bluntly, "Oh, he JUST has the flu. We will keep him here for a week until he feels better. Well, that week in an old victorian era ward (almost) 12 boys to a room, it was horrible. kids crying all the time, boy next to me 15 yr old had pneumonia and I had "flu" which decades later diagnosed as encephalitis. I should have been put in an isolation room to make sure that either I did not pass the illness on to others, such as the boy beside me, or that I could get complications on top of what I had such as pneumonia or whatever else was floating around! As it was, I started having seizures, and it got scary! I did not know what was going on, nobody would come over and listen to me, there I am in a ward full of boys feeling abandoned! and very much all alone.
sorry me again! I still think about suicide, because I am not able to take proper financial care for my wife, and grown kids and though I would then be out of the picture, my wife and kids would feel bad. When I was 6, I knew a boy whose father hung himself in the basement. I felt sorry form him, but I think he was partly native (indian?), not sure, but when one sees how many of those boys were sexually abused and physically beaten, I'm surprised more did not take their lives, for those who live on with rebuilding their torn cultures, I applaud them and wish them well. I'm not native indian, but in some ways, sure would like to live like one from a thousand yrs ago before europeans came over! I think it would have been a better life than now, though perhaps colder winters! I just wish I could get rid of that feeling in my stomach that so much has gone wrong in my life, because of other people during my childhood years. very detrimental, and no help offered. PTSD for sure! and thus leads to suicide in many cases
 

Celtaf

Registrant
sorry me again! I still think about suicide, because I am not able to take proper financial care for my wife, and grown kids and though I would then be out of the picture, my wife and kids would feel bad. When I was 6, I knew a boy whose father hung himself in the basement. I felt sorry form him, but I think he was partly native (indian?), not sure, but when one sees how many of those boys were sexually abused and physically beaten, I'm surprised more did not take their lives, for those who live on with rebuilding their torn cultures, I applaud them and wish them well. I'm not native indian, but in some ways, sure would like to live like one from a thousand yrs ago before europeans came over! I think it would have been a better life than now, though perhaps colder winters! I just wish I could get rid of that feeling in my stomach that so much has gone wrong in my life, because of other people during my childhood years. very detrimental, and no help offered. PTSD for sure! and thus leads to suicide in many cases

Are you getting any help? Any on the horizon?

Part of why I wrote this post is that I have had to realize that I've reached the end of my tether. I'm not drawn to suicide anymore, but it has sometimes occurred to me that if my departure from this world did not involve leaving others to pick up any mess I left behind me, or did not unduly grieve them, I would not be sorry to leave it. However, in part this is because I am a middle aged man and I feel I still have a long way to go.

Part of my troubles right now are coming into full acceptance of the idea that I would like to be treated well by others and by myself. it is also that I need to find a healthy way to deal with my anxiety about being treated unjustly.
 
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