falling from numbness

falling from numbness
K

Kid A

Registrant
My depression seems weak and fake like its only there to prevent me from continuing in my recovery. Though the pain is often hard to take when I'm not feeling depressed, which to me feels like numbness, I'd rather feel the pain of the memories than to be closed off to the entire world. When my heart is able to let go of its trauma even a little, I feel great sadness and anger, but I also feel the wind sweep through me for the first time in my life. When my numbness lets down its protective but annoying presence I get flooded with many bad feelings and memories, but I ultimately would choose the flood of emotions than the numbness. Unfortunately it seems to not be my choice compleleletely. I'd rather not be numb and depressed right now, but I just have to have faith that I will soon begin falling once again.
"Everybody's got something to hide except for me and my monkey." -The Beatles
 
Kid A,

I was numb for 40 years. When the emotion and the pain started to come I was so scared. I ran screaming from it but I couldn't get away. I was a wreck for several months, barely able to function well enough to stay out of trouble with my boss, etc.

Eventually I gave up running and decided since it wouldn't go away I'd better face it. That was a little over 2 years ago now. It still hurts but the intervening months have educated me in therapy, coping skills, and loving myself, etc.

Hang in there with us Bro, we'll try to help you through this. You've taken a big step in coming here and asking for help. Welcome. Sorry for the reason your are here, but glad you found us.

Be good to yourself my friend,

Courage,

John
 
Kid A,

The numbness is something we learned as kids; it was our way of protecting ourselves from the horror of what was happening to us. The problem is that we carry it on into adult life.

I remember when I was a student in Beirut one of my flatmates, a really great friend from the Maldives, said to me, "Don't you ever get angry?" What he should have said was, "Don't you ever feel anything?" No rage, but also no joy. I think it was meeting the woman who would become my wife that first taught me how to be happy again.

It takes time and effort bro. But eventually you will see that the ability to feel returns bit by bit, in exactly the same way you shut it down.

One big step forward is to say to yourself, "I can't do this alone." That is what you have done by coming here. Stick with us and you will see how much your feelings and thoughts are shared by others here.

Much love,
Larry
 
My first breakthrough with pain came, when I stopped fighting with it and allowed it to just pass through me. It was then that I realized that pain is just an emotional response to a situation that we cannot accept. So if we accept it, the pain goes away. That moment the situation no longer has the power over us, and then we can respond wisely.

Like when I am unhappy about something in me or someone else, I accept that part of him in me completely. And that moment it is gone completely.
Today I give validation to my pain, but I dont allow it to take over me.
Here I make a correction, I am not my pain, it is pain. That way I dont become my pain.

We are not our emotions; they happen to us when we go through life, but that doesnt mean allow them to take over us completely, so we are just our emotions, we are so much more than that. We are the steady light that shines thru the lighting storm.
 
I felt the same way during depressions, numb and disconnected from reality. It's probably our body / mind defences saying "enough!"

There is certainly a sense that the raw emotions we feel are sometimes better as well, it's as though we've got something 'real' to focus on then - however painful. It's one of the reasons I came off Prozac, I felt that I needed to continue feeling my emotions and dealing with them rather than sweeping them away behind the drugs.
It's what I'd done for over 30 years, hide and subdue my emotions and feelings by using any method available, so I chose to face them.

It was a difficult decision, and one that I knew had risks, but with my support in place I somehow managed.

Dave
 
Thanks for your kind responses. This week I've actually begun letting feelings in such as shame and guilt that I always blocked at the door. While sometimes the emotions feel huge, I need to face them because running and hiding from emotions has only caused me pain. I like what was said about no rage but also no joy. I blocked out the good and the bad. I'm realizing I even blocked feelings like being tired. I was on in the morning and off in the evening kind of like a robot. by letting rage and sadness in i'm escaping my straight jacket. well, i'm glad to know this site is here. i'm still a little nervous posting, I have boundary issues i guess, but thanks again.
 
Kid A,


You said
well, i'm glad to know this site is here. i'm still a little nervous posting,
Click to expand...
Just know that you are welcome here to post, lurk, or engage us in conversation in the chat room. It's up to you. We'll be here if and when you need us.

Courage my Friend,

John
 
Kid A,

I've been on this path we call recovery for 16 years and one of the most important things i've learned is this. Tears are my friends. I've cried with feelings of shame, guilt, anger, physical pain, emotional pain, happyness, and joy. For me, they are a form of release. Just let it go and let the tears flow.

I'm with you, numbness is worse, I haven't felt numb since about 3 hours ago. I hate it. It means i have built some sort of wall around myself for protection. most of the time not a good thing. Talking about it helps me break through the numbness. Come here and post, find a friend, talk to God, yell and scrream if you have to, what ever it takes, just get it out.

Kid A, you hang in there, it will get better. See my sig line, I mean that from the bottom of my heart. If you shed even one tear, you can get a cyber hug here. ahh heck, you can probably get one even without shedding a tear.

((((((((((((((((Kid A))))))))))))))))))


Darrel
 
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