falling ,big trouble

falling ,big trouble
S

shadowkid

WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shado
why is it when i fall off the wagon the damn thing always runs over me!! no not the meth wagon ,the recovery wagon. i went to the mall today about 20 miles away ,to voulnteer to help at local churchs for christmas ,great idea right ,well i thought so .a friend from work went with me .as we were leaving i noticed a group of people in the parking lot watching something ,i could here a man screamming ,so we walked over ,i still can't believe any of this happened . so there is this guy and he is trying to get into his car ,i mean he is freaking out screaming and yelling at a boy about 13 or 14 who is in the car with the doors locked ,he is pounding on the window the kid won't let him in ,gotta wonder why, i asked the man whats going on ,he says it's none of my fucking buissness ,my friend says we should leave ,the man promises the boy he won't hurt him .now he's got my attention ,the boy finally unlocks the door ,so the asshole gets in and slaps the boy a bunch of times ,ok from here on i had no control at all ,i gotta help that kid ,i went to the car and opened the guys door i tried to drag him out as he is grabbing the kid and he hit me in the mouth .from that point on i don't remember much but all those people just stood there watching .the next clear thought i had is my friend dragging me off the guy he is laying on the ground bleeding pretty bad ,i felt like it was a dream my friend says man where the hell did that come from ,you would have killed him if someone didn't stop you . and the kid is screamming at me for hurting his dad!!!!i didn't intend to hurt anyone i don't know how i could do that and not remember ,security came and we both agreed to forget what happened only because they threatened to call child services on the guy . by the way i called them anyway . what if my friend wasn't there to stop me ? being that mad scares me ,but the asshole deserved it .i am no way proud of what i did but i can't feel i did anything wrong, all those people just watching doing nothing ,what the hell is wrong with people? the scary part is it felt good damn good to give him a taste of what the kid got .i'm so worried about him his dad might take it out on him.the strange part is those people looked at me like i was crazy ,not the idiot in the car .when he hit me it was like my cousin busting me in the mouth ,i wanted so much to hit him back .when i hit the guy i saw my cousins face and i wanted to make him pay . is it my fault i lost it ? my friend acts like his is freaked out by me now .he said he never saw anybody go off like that ,he said it was like i wasn't there and someone else took over . so i have a fat lip and two very sore hands ,and i feel like shit because all i showed the kid was more of what his dad does .don't tell but deep down it felt so good to make one of them pay just one time ,maybe the guy won't hit his son anymore ,at least not in public .you just can't do that you know ?it aint right to hit kids and it ain't right for those people to stand there and watch but do nothing ,it was like at a car wreck you know ,even though it's bad people just have to look.guess this stuff is why i need the therapy to get control .but i gotta say even if i had not been abused ,you better not hit a kid if i'm around ,i swear when he hit the boy it was like he hit me ,.the strangest thing is i am a runt ,not big not strong ,in fact most people assume i am 15 or 16 when they see me .but i whipped that macho mans ass ,i still think he believes a kid beat him up. guess i still got lots of stuff to work on .. shadow
 
Shadow,

You said "but the asshole deserved it .i am no way proud of what i did but i can't feel i did anything wrong".

Sorry, but you don't get to decide what someone else deserves. You don't know that what you did to the dad won't come around to be visited on the boy at a later date. If he really beats up that boy how much responsibility are you going to take?

The immediate objective in a situation like this is to get the person who's lost control to a place where he can regain it in a way that saves face. A calm and steady voice can sometimes do the trick. "I'm sorry but it is my business. Think about what you're about to do in front of a whole bunch of people. You can't hit a minor. It is against the law and I've no problem calling the police right now. Is that what you want to happen? Is it worth it? Stop and think because I already have and am ready to act. If the police come, what's going to happen to you? I know you're mad right now but you've got to think here because there's nothing but bad coming your way."

You can't curse or yell when you do this. You have to get the person thinking again.

Just my opinion.

Zipser
 
your right what if the guy took the boy home and beat him even worse .i am doing therapy and maybe that will help me hold back ,but there was no reasoning with this guy and he did hit me first ,the worst part is i had no control, none,i didn't make a choice to hit the guy my body just did it .when he hit me there was no way i could just take it and try to talk to him .i swore i would never hurt another person ,but it was wrong place wrong time . i learned in detention and foster care if you stop to think it is already too late .when the bigger boys would corner me and try to rape me or take something from me .i had to fight back without thinking ,if i thought i would think no way i can beat this big kid ,he is too big ,by that time i would be on the floor getting my clothes ripped off .if you hesitate at all you will be marked as easy ,if you fought like hell and won they would leave you alone ,there was no choice ,even if you didn't win they respected you for fighting .this happened to every new kid who came in ,some fought some didn't. i guess i need to un learn some of the things that kept me alive back then .when faced with fight or run situtations i never ran .all i had to do was imagine i was hitting my abuser and i was like a tasmanian devil ,i won a lot of fights for a little guy .and eventuly no body messed with me . in foster care every kid who gets placed has to prove himself with every family ,the first thing the bio kids would try was to whip your ass or make you do things ,.i learned to fight first .then talk later
 
Shadow,

I think I understand where you're coming from and the link between what you witnessed and your survival response. No judgments. Just another viewpoint.

I think you did the absolute right thing in notifying protective services. Now there's a record on this guy and that action may help the boy in the long run.

Zipser
 
Adam,

I too say, never take it upon yourself to mete out violence, but to get to the bottom of what is happening.

He may well be an abusive parent, but the boys natural instinct is to protect his father, even if he is being badly treated.

We live in a sad world, were people just watch these things happening before their very eyes.

It is not worth getting yourself locked up, which may have happened in this case, even if the police felt empathy with you.

I too, would hate to see any child beaten for any reason at all, and would fly into a rage inside my head, but I can control anger, unless it is unleashed by somebody who wants to abuse me.

I turn into somebody else when they do it, as I learned from a child by being taken advantage of by bullies for so many years, and yes, I have had to sort a few guys out, who were a whole load bigger than me.

Yes, the boy may have been beaten again at home, or verbally abused, who knows, but the best thing would have been to take his license plate, and report him.

Try and find a positive way to deal with anger, it took me years to do it, but I find time to relax with music and incence and do artwork etc.

Find a hobby of work out in the gym,

ste
 
Well................if someone is being beaten, and they are defenseless, I feel that one is morally obligated to help as well.

I've never been in that situation. But, trying not to use hindsight, I think I would have simply stared at him through the windshield with my arms crossed and give a stern look.

I'm glad that you called protective services.

At least you were trying to help, and it wasn't for selfish reasons or grandstanding. You were trying to help, I hold you in higher esteem than any of those passive onlookers, especially since he hit you first.
 
Shadow,there are ocassions we act out sexually and then there are those when we act out emotionally, play up our abuse.
When we find ourselves in situations that recreates the senarios from our abuse, we tend to respond in a way we should have, and in that moment all that repressed energy gets unleashed. So we get taken over by the energy of abuse and it acts out.
But this phase can be damaging as it might perpetuate the abuse. Because you made that man a symbol of your abuse and beaten him. It is still the abuse that is winning, and not you.
 
Shadow,

I just want to encourage you not to let anything you've heard make you judgmental about yourself or get down on yourself. One of the results of abuse, from my own experience, is that you sometimes turn the anger and rage on yourself and take any excuse to feel bad about what you've done.

If you start to tell yourself how badly you behaved, then what I think happens is that some kind of cycle starts, unconsciously, where you feel bad about yourself because of what you did, what you did flows from the abuse, which means the abuser is partly to blame which renews or adds to the anger you feel, which increases the anger, adding to anger that you have to either manage or go off again - either when viewing abuse or maybe even in some situation that doesn't appear related to the abuse.

Like I say, I don't think this has to be a conscious process; I think it probably goes on unconsciously.

It sounds like you recognize that what you did might not bring about the best possible result and I agree that some of the suggested responses might have been better.

But give yourself credit for being in therapy and for being able to admit a) what you did, and b)that this is something you need to work on.

Keep working on it; you'll get there. If you keep working, you'll someday reach the point where the anger lessens so much that you no longer have to worry about it taking control of you.

I'm so sorry for all that you have suffered. It wasn't your fault and you're doing all you can to get over it - including recognizing when it makes you do something unwise.

Hang in. It will get better; you will find the healing you deserve.
 
tresheridas,thanks for your take on this i think i need a little of both ,i must take some responsibility for myself ,but i do know why i acted the way i did ,the hard part is taking just enough so i don't start the cycle you described .i didn't tell the therapist about the violence in my past yet ,guess that will be next time . the really bad part is i feel like my abuser ,i acted like him ,i hurt another human being ,how could i do that ,i know so well what it feels like to be beaten ,i swore i would never hurt anyone .but detention and foster care changed all of that .there is so much crap like this in me how can i ever beat all the shit this has done to my mind. there is not just one problem to fix in me seems like hundreds i'm still finding out how bad this has made me when it comes to the normal world ,i didn't grow up in that world and i can't use my old defenses in it now . shadow
 
Adam,

when I read your stuff, I see this totally nice guy in there.
Believe me, you are a really good guy to know, and would not hurt anyone unless they threaten to hurt yourself.

When you went through this shit as a kid, There was no way OUT
You had to rely on the people who had so called care responsibilities.

There is a whole mass of anger that builds up, with nowhere to go, so we either take it out on ourselves or maybe others.

It took me many years to deal with anger, and my old friend pops back some times, but I deny my anger to take over me.

Talk to your T about it, that is what they are there for, and hey, dont beat yourself down, get to finding yourself and feel better about YOU.

ste
 
Adam,

What you did, is what you did, I can understand why you did it, I too would have had a very hard time controling myself. Now the thing to do is to learn form what happened, and it looks to me like you have already made a good start in that direction. I think that you have done a good job fo figuring out why you reacted the way you did. So you know where your anger was coming from and that is a very good start. You've looked at suggestions from friends as to more positive reactions.

What you did was not the best response, but don't beat your self up about it, learn from it and move on.

Hang in there and remember you are loved

Darrel
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top