Failed

Failed
L

Little_E

Registrant
Just got my results back from semter A. And I failed one modula! This means I have Failed the final year. I'v fucked up again. And this time there is no way out. I have failed my degree, Wasted the last 4yrs of my life trying to complete the impossabile, In a subject I own have a half assed liking to! Want to curl up into a ball a hide away, away from the world. I dont want to go on. Feeling so hurt, and low self estime. I worked so fucking hard this past few months, to pull it out the hat, get it done, and now this, THIS fucking shit, Its stopping me from going on. I'm back to the begining, Hopeless and Insurcure, I feel lost, and out of place. I dont belong here (at uni). I dont understand the world around me any more. I live in my own bubble, and just wish it wud burst. I tired of being the one people come to with problems, ok yeah I know whats what, and been here a long time. The last 2 yrs I have lost my smile. I am no longer smiling on the inside. It hurts to much. And I dont realy trust anyone, I've pushed everyone back to arms length. I'm so depressed right now, All i want to do is screem. I cant see a way out, all my doors are locked and i am traped within. I am Scared.

Am going into uni now to talk to my tutor about what i have to do now. Will report back tonight.

Elliot.
 
Elliot, I can understand your frustration. But this self-blame is something I would like to help you avoid.

It is rather amazing that any of us can do hard core studying at all--and you have done four years of it.

The closer you are to the time of the trauma, the more power the effects of PTSD have on us. Look up David Baldwin's Trauma page. There is a link to it in our links page.

I once attended a workshop by a man names Terry Kellogg. Kellogg is a specialist in trauma. He regularly works with police officers, firefigthers and EMS people who get to a point where the trauma they have observed has debilitatd them. I think one of his books is called something like Broken Boys, Broken Toys--I am not sure.

The point is friend, that you must be very bright and quite motivated to have made it through these last four years.

Personally, I often find myself very distracted, having a difficult time focusing on hard reading, and in general not at all up to my abilities. I am many years away from the time of my rapes. I have done what I did by trying to bury the memories and prove to myself that I am not a useless piece of unattractive flesh. By being succvessful in that I have accomplished somethings. But, if I had tried to be a scholar and work on my rapes at the age you are--I suspect I would be institutionalised early on.

Kudos to you Elliot, you have done well. You will overcome this latest obstacle and will feel even more pride in yourself for having known what a chore it all was for you--and yet you did it.

I'm proud to know you through the marvel of www.

Bob
 
Elliot,

I'm sorry to hear that you are in a rough spot right now. Remember that the reality of things is likely much different from you perception at the moment.

A lot of what you said is familiar to me and i'm sure a lot of the guys here. Being in a bubble,feeling like you keep coming back to the beginning. But try to remember that failures will happen no matter what we do. They are as needed a part of life as triumphs. How we deal with things when they go badly is a major part of becoming interesting, and strong people.

Use this to your advantage. There are no accidents and this may be a turning point that will lead some place all the better.

I hope things go well with the tutor. Good luck.

Em
 
Elliot.... I packed in my education at 16 after just scraping through my GCE (old 'o' levels). I didn't kickstart my education back into action until I was around 30....if you have to do another term/year, you'll still be young. Take some advice from your tutor, but make a decision regarding your education when you can think rationally.

Stick some music on & jump about a bit... it still helps me!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
I am sorry that you struggled so much. I hope that this is not truly 'the end', that you will have another option to continue and finish your education. I hope that your tutor was able to give you some good insight on that. Please try to not put all your self worth into this. You are much more then just how you are doing with school. Try to be good with yourself.

leosha
 
hi guys!

Well spoke wiv my tutor yes2day, and he said i can continue with my final year! I am allowed to fail two 15credit moduals. (30cr in total). And still Pass the year, so not all is lost, and i can sstill pull one out of the bag. At least this has given me time to think and re-evaluate what i want to do with my life! Its been a good thing coming from a bad!! Will talk soon, tired. Just got back from the OFFSPRING gig in LONDON, and am smelly, and tired!!

Elliot!
 
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