facing another hurdle

[greenwizard]

Because what happened to me started in a bar I kind of started staying away from those kinds of places. I turned myself into a hermit. My friends both think it's a good idea for me to go with them next time they drive out to Pittsburgh to go clubbing. They go to a gay night club of course, which that part doesn't bother me at all. It's the being in a crowd with alcohol that has me a little on edge. They promised to take care of me. I was supposed to go with them on Saturday, but then my stomach started acting up and I got diagnosed by the doctor with gastritis, so I stayed home because it probably wasn't a good idea for me to go out drinking with stomach issues. Part of me thinks this is a horrible idea. The other part thinks it might be nice to get out for a night.

 

[TeeJayUU]

My opinion.... Maybe you do need a night out, but a SAFE night out for you. I think you did the right thing for you in staying from this exposition.

 

[Chris4TheMill]

That's a tough one. I suppose a huge part of the decision for me would be how well and how far I trusted the friends who were bringing me.
And how protective and attentive I felt they could be during the evening.

Another possibility is - maybe go out drinking beforehand and don't drink much, if at all, at the club.
That way one possible thing that could go wrong is eliminated or at least minimized.

I would actually love to go out dancing. My problem is, my back would not be happy with it at all

 

[dark empathy]

I'm afraid I persoally would suggest staying away from this sort of thing. I used t try and test my own triggers by walking through crowds or the like and never found it wound up well, mostly I just went gnumb, just as I did during the abuse.


Then again I confess as someone who actively dislikes the hole bar and club culture and finds it dehumanising and extremely lonely, I am probably not the right person to advise on this one.

 

[greenwizard]

Well, even though I am pretty much an introvert, I do enjoy going out once in a while. I'm not keen on huge crowds, but I used to go with friends to a small local bar and drink and attempt to play pool. I swear, if it involves a ball and hand eye coordination I really suck.

They suggested this though because I do seem to be doing better. I do trust them to not let anything happen to me. I know one of them will stay relatively sober because that's what they do to drive home. Unlike the people I knew at the bar that night, if they see someone trying to drag me into an alley with me stumbling they'll step in.

I'm still getting a day out this Sunday weather permitting. S' family is having their 4th of July picnic at his parents' house and I always go. That usually ends up being quite a crowd with his 6 siblings and their families. Then some of them bring friends too. But I'm really looking forward to the horseback riding!

You know, I've noticed something too. At this picnic they like to play volleyball, and a few years ago they decided I was playing too. It took a lot of convincing, and they even offered to not keep score, just have a little fun back and forth. The fact that they wanted me to play (instead of cussing that they got stuck with me like in high school) and the lack of pressure, I actually wasn't that bad and kind of enjoyed it. If I screwed up nobody yelled. Nobody cared. I think the pressure back in high school gym class actually made me worse than I really am.

 

[greenwizard]

Well, I had a good time today. I got to ride the horse! I love horses. And there was so much awesome food I really pigged out. Ugh, I still feel like I swallowed a bowling ball.

 

[Chris4TheMill]

...Hopefully it was a very tasty bowling ball

Glad you had a good time and got to do some fun things.

 

[KMCINVA]

Only go when ready. If not the trigger may take hold. You need to feel safe and comfortable. Triggers can set you back. I know and should have left my living environment years before I did--it created a triggering world for me that was destructive to me.

In time your friends will make you feel safe. We all begin to feel safe at different paces. Remember it is your decision and your decision only

I hope you find peace and will be able to re-engage in an environment that was so hurtful to you.

Kevin

 

[greenwizard]

Yesterday I felt very safe. I mean, sometimes I feel like the Hunchback of Notre Dame crashing a model party... The whole family, they are so tall and so gorgeous! There must be some really good genes in that mix. But they are also all very nice. I took a little nap on their couch, which I wouldn't do just anywhere. They treat me like a short white adopted cousin, which I like.

 

[dark empathy]

sometimes I feel like the Hunchback of Notre Dame crashing a model party

Wow lovely description for a feeling I know all too well.

Glad you had a good and felt safe since feeling accepted can be very validating, especially with how rarely it happens.

 

[greenwizard]

I went last night. They don't usually go out there so often, but S is getting his knee replacement replaced again on Tuesday and wanted a fun night out before he's going to be laid up for a while. I was nervous the whole drive over there with them both trying assure me everything would be fine. Then we got there and there was a pretty big crowd. I found out jello shots are deceptive. They don't seem strong, so I downed 3 of them straight off then got a rum and coke. Then they kicked in and holy crap.

It bothers me some that my memory for the rest of the night is a little spotty. I mostly just remember dancing with my friends. I did have a nice conversation with this one woman though. I think a combination of me being really drunk and her being a lesbian kinda took away my usual anxiety.

Toward the end of the night some guy did ask me to dance with him. That was flattering a fun. I had mixed feelings about him kissing me and grabbing my ass, but then N dragged me away. They decided it was time to go home, it was getting late anyway for such a long drive home. I had to be helped into the back of the truck and was told I passed out dead to the world the whole way home. I don't even remember being moved from the truck into bed. I just passed out in the truck and woke up in my own bed next to my sweetheart.

Overall I had fun. I wasn't alone and vulnerable, I was well looked after, which I think helped.

 

[sorryson]

Green wizard great step forward. I am happy you had fun. Life without fun can make one sad.

Paul